The pie chart below shows the results of a survey of the causes of poor learning outcomes in schools in a particular country in 2011.
Sample Response
The pie chart presents a survey result that outlines why pupils in schools poorly performed in a country in 2011. Categorically speaking, inexpert teachers and family issues were the main reasons they had wretched outcomes in learning.
In short, unskilled educators, family issues like working parents, improper upbringing or children, insufficient facilities and lack of study and revision were the main reasons schoolgoers' learning, in this country, was not up to the mark. As the data suggests, unskilled masters in schools were the primary ground for young students’ inadequate performance as 35% attribution was made to unskilled teachers. The second most protuberant reason, denoted as 27%, was indicated towards the upbringing of the children which is related to the family issue. Working-class parents were attributed to influence students learning negatively as 20% of poor learning results was linked to the bad performance of pupils in schools. Inadequate facilities and lack of revision were pointed out to cause 10 and 8 percentages of this unsatisfactory performance based on the outcomes of the survey.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use chart terminology Original: inexpert Suggested revision: unskilled Why it matters: Use the category label shown in the chart for precise reporting.
- 2. Use formal wording Original: wretched outcomes in learning Suggested revision: poor learning outcomes Why it matters: This phrase is unnatural and overly emotive for an objective report.
- 3. Signal detail accurately Original: short Suggested revision: detail Why it matters: The paragraph presents detailed figures rather than a brief conclusion.
- 4. Correct preposition Original: or Suggested revision: of Why it matters: The preposition must show that the upbringing concerns the children.
- 5. Add relative adverb Original: reasons schoolgoers' learning Suggested revision: reasons why schoolgoers' learning Why it matters: Use "why" after "reasons" to introduce the following clause.
- 6. Use academic wording Original: not up to the mark Suggested revision: poor Why it matters: The original idiom is too informal for an academic data report.
- 7. Choose precise noun Original: masters Suggested revision: teachers Why it matters: "Masters" does not accurately name the teacher category in this context.
- 8. Correct collocation Original: ground Suggested revision: cause Why it matters: "Primary cause" is the natural collocation for the largest reason.
- 9. Use active structure Original: 35% attribution was made to unskilled teachers Suggested revision: unskilled teachers accounted for 35% Why it matters: The replacement expresses the proportion clearly and grammatically.
- 10. Use correct adjective Original: protuberant Suggested revision: prominent Why it matters: "Protuberant" describes something physically protruding and is incorrect here.
- 11. Report proportion clearly Original: denoted as 27% Suggested revision: accounting for 27% Why it matters: This participle phrase correctly states the category's share.
- 12. Correct verb pattern Original: was indicated towards Suggested revision: was attributed to Why it matters: "Indicated towards" is not a valid verb pattern for assigning a proportion.
Suggested Rewrites
- inexpert unskilled
- wretched outcomes in learning poor learning outcomes
- short detail
- or of
- reasons schoolgoers' learning reasons why schoolgoers' learning
- not up to the mark poor
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response accurately reports all five proportions and clearly identifies unskilled teachers and family-related causes as the dominant factors, giving it solid task coverage. Organisation is generally clear, but comparisons remain limited. Its main weakness is strained, sometimes imprecise wording and awkward grammar, which make several points harder to process; prioritise natural collocations, direct comparisons, and precise percentage expressions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response provides a clear overview and accurately reports every category and percentage, though comparisons are not developed much beyond identifying the leading causes.
Group and compare the larger family-related shares with the two smallest causes more explicitly instead of mainly listing figures.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overview and details follow a generally logical order, but the long second paragraph becomes dense and some links between ideas are repetitive.
Divide the detailed information into clearer comparison groups and use shorter sentences to make the progression easier to follow.
Lexical Resource
There is a reasonably wide vocabulary, but frequent unsuitable choices such as “wretched outcomes,” “protuberant reason,” and “unskilled masters” reduce precision and naturalness.
Prefer straightforward academic collocations such as “poor performance,” “second-largest cause,” and “unskilled teachers.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms is attempted and meaning remains clear, although errors in articles, possession, verb patterns, and percentage expressions recur.
Review noun phrases and verb complements, and write proportions in forms such as “accounted for 10% and 8%.”
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The pie chart below shows the results of a survey of the causes of poor learning outcomes in schools in a particular country in 2011.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.