The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants.
Sample Response
The figures illustrate the number of male and female students who attended four different evening courses at an adult education institution in 2009, and proportions of the attendances based on age.
It is clear that there were more women than men in the drama, painting and languages classes, while in sculpture class men participants outnumbered the women. It can also be seen that the majority of the students were the senior people (aged 50 years and above), while the lowest was those whose aged below 20 years. It is noticed that in the language class, the number of female students had reached 40 people, which was twice as the population of the males. In the painting and drama class, populations of men’s students were accounted for around 25 and 10 people, which were lower than the women’s figure which stood at 30 and 20 people. As for the sculpture class, the number of men participants reached 10 people, while the women’s figure was halved of the men’s.
Based on the age group, it is obvious that the highest proportion of the participants were the senior age people, accounted for approximately 42%. It was then followed by the figures of two middle age group (40-49 years and 30-39 years old) which stood at 26% and 16%. As for those who were between 20 and 29 years and below 20 years, their proportions were around 11% and 5% each respectively.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong noun Original: proportions of the attendances Suggested revision: the proportions of attendees Why it matters: Attendance is usually uncountable; attendees refers to people.
- 2. Natural phrase Original: based on age Suggested revision: by age group Why it matters: This matches the pie chart more directly.
- 3. Word order Original: sculpture class men participants Suggested revision: the sculpture class, male participants Why it matters: The original noun phrase is awkward.
- 4. Chart wording Original: senior people Suggested revision: people aged 50 or over Why it matters: This is more precise.
- 5. Fix clause Original: the lowest was those whose aged below 20 years Suggested revision: the smallest group was those aged under 20 Why it matters: The original clause is ungrammatical.
- 6. Direct opening Original: It is noticed that Suggested revision: In the language class, Why it matters: A direct category opening is clearer.
- 7. Simpler tense Original: had reached 40 people Suggested revision: reached 40 Why it matters: Simple past is enough.
- 8. Comparative structure Original: twice as the population of the males Suggested revision: twice as many as the number of men Why it matters: The phrase twice as needs many as here.
- 9. Unnatural phrase Original: populations of men’s students Suggested revision: the numbers of male students Why it matters: This is clearer and more accurate.
- 10. Wrong verb Original: were accounted for around 25 and 10 people Suggested revision: were around 25 and 10 respectively Why it matters: People do not account for a number in this structure.
- 11. Natural noun Original: men participants Suggested revision: male participants Why it matters: Male is the adjective form before participants.
- 12. Correct comparison Original: was halved of the men’s Suggested revision: was half the men’s figure Why it matters: This is the correct comparative expression.
Suggested Rewrites
- proportions of the attendances the proportions of attendees
- based on age by age group
- sculpture class men participants the sculpture class, male participants
- senior people people aged 50 or over
- the lowest was those whose aged below 20 years the smallest group was those aged under 20
- It is noticed that In the language class,
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response covers both visuals and identifies the main trends accurately: women outnumber men in most courses except sculpture, languages has the highest female attendance, and people aged 50 or over form the largest age group. Most figures are correct.
Add the exact course figures in a cleaner order and avoid vague phrases such as the lowest was those.
Coherence and Cohesion
The organisation is effective, with one paragraph for gender/course patterns and one for age groups. Some sentences are long and could be streamlined.
Keep the overview separate, then report course numbers in descending order of total attendance.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient but sometimes unnatural: attendances, population of the males, senior age people and men participants.
Use participants, attendees, men, women, aged 50 or over and the under-20 group.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar errors occur in agreement, articles and comparative phrases, but the data remains clear.
Check noun phrases after number of, proportion of and twice as many as.