The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city.
Sample Response
The bar graph exhibits how many people from two age groups (25-35 and 55-65) joined different clubs aimed for leisure activities in a small urban area. It is obvious that elder people preferred gardening while cycling was mostly taken up by youngsters. The diagram suggests that over 500 people between 25 and 65 years old enrolled one of the six clubs in this municipal. Youth mostly preferred cycling as more than 65 of them registered for this association compared to 10 elder members. On the contrary, gardening was picked up by roughly 55 elder people who were between 55 and 65 years old while only 25 youths took this. Photography was equally preferred as roughly 45 people from each age group joined the photography club. Fitness centres enlisted over 100 members and 50 of them were aged inhabitants. Arts are crafts clubs collected 60 young members while only 20 elders enrolled there. Finally, music clubs got over a hundred members and young members’ number was slightly higher than that of people over 54 years old.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix club description Original: aimed for leisure activities Suggested revision: offering leisure activities Why it matters: Clubs offer activities; ‘aimed for’ is not natural in this context.
- 2. Use correct age term Original: elder people Suggested revision: older people Why it matters: ‘Older people’ is the standard neutral expression for this age group.
- 3. Match age group Original: youngsters Suggested revision: younger adults Why it matters: The group is aged 25–35, so ‘younger adults’ is more accurate than ‘youngsters’.
- 4. Add required preposition Original: enrolled one of Suggested revision: enrolled in one of Why it matters: The verb ‘enrol’ requires ‘in’ before the club or programme joined.
- 5. Name the location Original: in this municipal Suggested revision: at this leisure centre Why it matters: ‘Municipal’ is an adjective and cannot refer to the venue as a noun.
- 6. Use consistent group label Original: Youth mostly preferred Suggested revision: Younger adults mostly preferred Why it matters: This wording accurately identifies the 25–35 age group.
- 7. Correct cycling value Original: more than 65 Suggested revision: about 65 Why it matters: The cycling bar for the 25–35 group reaches approximately 65, not more than 65.
- 8. Use precise category Original: this association Suggested revision: this club Why it matters: ‘Club’ matches the category named in the graph more directly than ‘association’.
- 9. Use neutral age wording Original: 10 elder members Suggested revision: 10 older members Why it matters: ‘Older members’ is the natural term for the 55–65 group.
- 10. Use comparison linker Original: On the contrary Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: ‘By contrast’ introduces the opposite age pattern without implying that a claim is being contradicted.
- 11. Use chart verb Original: gardening was picked up Suggested revision: gardening was chosen Why it matters: ‘Chosen’ is more precise and appropriately formal for reporting club preferences.
- 12. Match singular category Original: Fitness centres Suggested revision: The fitness club Why it matters: The graph presents one fitness club category, not multiple centres.
Suggested Rewrites
- aimed for leisure activities offering leisure activities
- elder people older people
- youngsters younger adults
- enrolled one of enrolled in one of
- in this municipal at this leisure centre
- Youth mostly preferred Younger adults mostly preferred
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response covers all six clubs and highlights the clearest age-group contrasts, with generally accurate values and comparisons. Its main limitation is imprecise expression and presentation: the account is compressed into one paragraph, and awkward choices such as municipal, association, and collected weaken clarity. The highest-priority improvement is to group similar and contrasting clubs into focused detail paragraphs while using conventional chart-description language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The overview identifies the strongest age preferences, and all six clubs are covered with comparisons that are generally faithful to the chart.
Use the chart scale precisely when reporting values, particularly describing cycling as about 65 younger members rather than more than 65.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information follows a comprehensible club-by-club sequence, but the single paragraph and repetitive linking make the organisation feel mechanical.
Create two detail paragraphs that group clubs with large age differences separately from those with similar memberships.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient range for the task, though several word choices and collocations, including elder people, municipal, and clubs collected, are unnatural.
Use precise terms such as older participants, leisure centre, joined, and attracted members consistently throughout the report.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response shows some controlled complex sentences, but errors with prepositions, noun forms, and phrasing recur without seriously obscuring meaning.
Review verb-preposition patterns and noun phrases, especially enrolled in a club and the number of younger members.
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