The graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children.
Sample Response
The bar graph gives information about the leisure activities of Australian children between the age of 5 - 14 years. At a first glance it is noticeable that irrespective of sex, Australian kids like to watch TV or videos.
To begin with, TV watching is the most common leisure activity among Australian children. However, about 75% to 80% of boys prefer to do bike riding and play electronic and computer games. On the contrary, nearly 60% of the girls prefer to do the same. On the other hand, more than 50% Australian young girls who are 5 - 14 years old, spend their time for art and craft. Meanwhile, just under 40% of boys spend their time for it. However, 20% to 40% of the children only spend their time for skateboarding or rollerblading and this leisure activity is also popular among boys than the girls.
In short, boys spend more time for leisure activities than girls except in art and craft while TV watching is their favourite pastime activity.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Plural age range Original: between the age of 5 - 14 years Suggested revision: aged 5 to 14 years Why it matters: Use aged for an age group.
- 2. Fixed phrase Original: At a first glance Suggested revision: At first glance Why it matters: The fixed expression does not use a.
- 3. Natural comparison Original: irrespective of sex Suggested revision: regardless of gender Why it matters: This is more natural here.
- 4. Add exact feature Original: like to watch TV or videos Suggested revision: all watch TV or videos Why it matters: The chart shows 100% for both boys and girls.
- 5. Use chart wording Original: TV watching Suggested revision: watching TV or videos Why it matters: This matches the chart category.
- 6. Natural collocation Original: prefer to do bike riding Suggested revision: participate in bike riding Why it matters: Do bike riding is unnatural.
- 7. Better contrast Original: On the contrary Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: This is more suitable for chart comparison.
- 8. Specify activities Original: prefer to do the same Suggested revision: participate in these activities Why it matters: The phrase the same is vague.
- 9. Missing preposition Original: more than 50% Australian young girls Suggested revision: more than 50% of Australian girls Why it matters: Use of after a percentage.
- 10. Wrong preposition Original: spend their time for art and craft Suggested revision: spend their time on art and craft Why it matters: Use on after spend time.
- 11. Wrong preposition Original: spend their time for it Suggested revision: spend their time on it Why it matters: Use on after spend time.
- 12. Comparative structure Original: popular among boys than the girls Suggested revision: more popular among boys than girls Why it matters: The comparative needs more before popular.
Suggested Rewrites
- between the age of 5 - 14 years aged 5 to 14 years
- At a first glance At first glance
- irrespective of sex regardless of gender
- like to watch TV or videos all watch TV or videos
- TV watching watching TV or videos
- prefer to do bike riding participate in bike riding
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response identifies the main features: TV/videos are universal, boys participate more in biking, electronic games and skateboarding, and girls lead in art and craft. Most percentages are approximate but accurate enough, though the conclusion wrongly refers to time spent.
Report participation percentages rather than time spent, and include the 100% figure for watching TV/videos.
Coherence and Cohesion
The organisation is clear, with an overview followed by comparisons by activity. Linking is sometimes repetitive, especially however and on the other hand.
Group activities by universal TV viewing, boy-dominated activities and the girl-dominated art and craft category.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate but sometimes imprecise, such as do bike riding, spend their time for and pastime activity.
Use participate in, prefer, choose, watching TV/videos, bike riding and art and craft.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The grammar is generally understandable, but article use, prepositions and comparative forms need work.
Check prepositions after spend time and compare boys and girls with more popular among boys than girls.