The diagram below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan for the changes to the school site in 2024
This response is estimated at Band 6.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The two maps illustrate the layoutillustrates layout of a school in 2004 and future modifications 20 years later.
Overall, the site is planned to undergocamp undergoes substantial redevelopment, which means 400 more students are allowed to study in the school campus. However, the greengrean area remains almostalmost remains unchanged.
To be more specific, in 2004, living and study area was situatedsitted at the northern part, with a west-east path in the middle. To the north of that path was School Building 1 surrounded by trees and plants while School Building 2 lay on the opposite side. The sports field was at the end of the path. The entrance of the study area was on the left, which was adjacent to the carcark park at the top left corner of the sitecamp. People could have access to that car park through a north-south road. In addition, the remaining area wasBesides, the rest was green space which covered the southern and western partssouthern and western part and accounted for two-thirdstwo thirds of the school site.
In 2024, most changes will occur in the northern part. Notably, School BuildingsBuilding 1 and 2 are going to be linked, which will cut throughwhich cut through the original path. The sports field will be convertedSports field is converted into School Building 3a new school construction. A new road along the living and study area will be introduced, which allows people to use a new car park. Moreover, the sports field is going to be relocated to the south of Car Park 2the second newly constructed car park.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response effectively highlights the key changes between the two site maps, including student numbers and building additions, supported by a clear overview. The main limitation lies in minor grammatical inaccuracies and vocabulary slips, such as spelling errors and incorrect word choices like 'camp' instead of 'campus'. Prioritizing accurate spatial preposition use and proofreading word forms will further refine the clarity of the description.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear overview comparing student capacity and major structural developments while accurately covering key site features across both years.
Ensure all factual details, such as the exact nature of the green space changes, are described precisely without overgeneralization.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically by year with clear paragraphing and appropriate linking expressions that guide the progression.
Vary cohesive devices slightly more to avoid overly mechanical transition phrases at the beginning of paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A sufficient vocabulary range is used to describe map changes, though noticeable spelling errors and word choice slips occur.
Eliminate simple spelling and lexical errors, such as replacing 'cark park' and 'grean' with correct forms and using 'campus' instead of 'camp'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of structures is demonstrated, including appropriate future and passive forms for planned changes, despite occasional grammatical mistakes.
Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and past tense verb forms, such as correcting 'maps illustrates' and 'sitted'.