The table shows the proportions of pupils attending four secondary school types between 2000 and 2009.
Sample Response
The table data illustrates changes in students' choices of secondary schools throughout a nine-year period commencing from 2000.
Overall, it can be seen that voluntary-controlled schools and community schools were the most popular in 2000 and 2009, respectively.
To begin with, more than half of the total pupils went to voluntary-controlled schools in 2000. The figure regarding community schools was just 12 percent - equal to that of specialist schools. At the same time, grammar schools represented just under one-fourth of students.
After five years, the proportion of learners attending community schools increased by 20 percent and further surged to well over 50% in the year 2009. An opposite trend could be observed in the case of voluntary-controlled schools as their figure dipped to 38% in 2005 and 20% in 2009.
Grammar and specialist schools also saw declines in attendance but it is less noticeable. The percentage of pupils in grammar schools dropped marginally as time went by, becoming 11 percent in 2005 and then exactly 10 percent by the end of the given period. Meanwhile, the figure decreased by half in specialist schools throughout the years, standing at 12 percent in 2009.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundancy Original: The table data Suggested revision: The table Why it matters: A table already denotes data, so the extra noun is unnecessary.
- 2. Describe attendance Original: students' choices of secondary schools Suggested revision: the proportions of pupils attending four types of secondary school Why it matters: The table reports attendance proportions rather than directly measuring personal choices.
- 3. Use concise phrasing Original: commencing from 2000 Suggested revision: beginning in 2000 Why it matters: 'Beginning in' is the more natural construction for the start of a period.
- 4. Fix noun phrase Original: the total pupils Suggested revision: all pupils Why it matters: 'The total pupils' is not a natural determiner pattern in this context.
- 5. Use an em dash Original: 12 percent - equal Suggested revision: 12 percent—equal Why it matters: An em dash without surrounding spaces cleanly introduces the comparison.
- 6. Use precise measure Original: represented just under one-fourth of students Suggested revision: accounted for just under one-quarter of pupils Why it matters: 'Accounted for' is a more precise collocation for proportions in a table.
- 7. Use percentage points Original: increased by 20 percent Suggested revision: increased by 20 percentage points Why it matters: A rise from 12% to 32% is twenty percentage points, not twenty percent.
- 8. Use neutral wording Original: further surged Suggested revision: then rose further Why it matters: The neutral verb better suits an objective description of tabulated data.
- 9. Clarify the reference Original: their figure dipped Suggested revision: the proportion fell Why it matters: Naming the measure directly is clearer than the possessive reference 'their figure'.
- 10. Fix agreement and tense Original: but it is less noticeable Suggested revision: although these declines were less pronounced Why it matters: The clause refers to two past declines, so it needs a plural subject and past tense.
- 11. Correct 2005 value Original: becoming 11 percent in 2005 Suggested revision: falling to 19 percent in 2005 Why it matters: The table gives 19% for grammar schools in 2005.
- 12. Correct final value Original: exactly 10 percent Suggested revision: 12 percent Why it matters: Grammar-school attendance is shown as 12% in 2009.
Suggested Rewrites
- The table data The table
- students' choices of secondary schools the proportions of pupils attending four types of secondary school
- commencing from 2000 beginning in 2000
- the total pupils all pupils
- 12 percent - equal 12 percent—equal
- represented just under one-fourth of students accounted for just under one-quarter of pupils
Why this response received Band 7.5
The report is well organized, concise, and linguistically controlled, with a clear overview of the change from voluntary-controlled to community schools. However, the final paragraph seriously weakens factual accuracy by assigning the specialist-school figures to grammar schools and the grammar-school endpoint to specialist schools. The key improvement is to verify every series against the table so that accurate trend language is matched with the correct categories and values.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The main overall shift and the two dominant school types are accurately described, but the grammar- and specialist-school figures are transposed in the final paragraph.
Check each row carefully and report grammar schools as 24%, 19%, and 12%, and specialist schools as 12%, 11%, and 10%.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear paragraphing, logical grouping, and well-managed linking produce an easy-to-follow progression from overview to detailed trends.
For even tighter cohesion, make the final paragraph's references explicitly name each school type before giving its figures.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, with effective trend language such as surged, dipped, marginally, and standing at.
Refine occasional imprecision by using percentage points for absolute changes and avoiding broad wording such as students' choices when the table shows attendance proportions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence structures is used accurately, with only isolated lapses such as the singular reference in it is less noticeable.
Maintain agreement when referring to plural trends, for example by writing these declines were less noticeable.
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