The bar charts below show the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014. Prevalence of obesity among boys aged 12-19 years, by ethnicity; United States, 2004 and 2014. Prevalence of obesity among girls aged 12-19 years, by ethnicity; United States, 2004 and 2014. Source: www.cdc.gov
Sample Response
The bar graphs reveal data on obesity rates among the US boys and girls between 12 and 19 years in 2004 and 2014 based on their demographics. Overall, more Hispanic boys suffered from obesity while this rate was higher among the Non-Hispanic black girls. According to the first column graph, more than one out of ten Non-Hispanic white boys who aged between 12 and 19 were corpulent in 2004. A similar percentage of boys who were Hispanic or Non-Hispanic blacks suffered from the same problem. On the contrary, 9% girls of this age group from the Non-Hispanic US citizens were overweight, slightly less than that of boys from the same ethnicity. However, the obesity rate among Non-Hispanic black girls was the highest, 16% in this year, which was 5% higher than that of boys from the same ethnic group and 7 and 4 percent higher than that of white and Hispanic girls respectively. After a decade, the percentage of obese Hispanic boys increased to 27% which was a 14% rise. Every one in five Non-Hispanic boys were overweight in 2014 which was slightly more than that of while boys. Finally, the rate of obesity among Non-Hispanic girls swelled to 29%, a 13% rise, which was higher than that of other ethnic girls. Evidently, more Hispanic boys and Non-Hispanic girls, 27 and 29% consecutively, were obese in the US in 2014 than boys and girls of other ethnicity.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Specify category Original: based on their demographics Suggested revision: by ethnicity Why it matters: This directly names the grouping shown.
- 2. Clarify overview Original: more Hispanic boys Suggested revision: Hispanic boys had the highest rates in both years Why it matters: State the precise pattern across time.
- 3. Relative clause Original: boys who aged between 12 and 19 Suggested revision: boys aged between 12 and 19 Why it matters: Aged functions as a reduced relative clause.
- 4. Use chart term Original: were corpulent Suggested revision: were obese Why it matters: Corpulent is unnatural and less precise here.
- 5. Inaccurate comparison Original: A similar percentage of boys Suggested revision: The rates were 11% for Black boys and 13% for Hispanic boys Why it matters: The three 2004 values are not all the same.
- 6. Percentage phrase Original: 9% girls Suggested revision: 9% of girls Why it matters: Of is required before the group noun.
- 7. Wrong measure Original: were overweight Suggested revision: were obese Why it matters: The charts measure obesity, not the broader overweight category.
- 8. Percentage points Original: which was a 14% rise Suggested revision: an increase of 14 percentage points Why it matters: The rate rose from 13% to 27%.
- 9. Agreement and scope Original: Every one in five Non-Hispanic boys were Suggested revision: One in five non-Hispanic Black boys was Why it matters: Specify Black boys and agree the verb with one.
- 10. Typo Original: while boys Suggested revision: white boys Why it matters: While is a typographical error.
- 11. Missing ethnicity Original: Non-Hispanic girls swelled to 29% Suggested revision: the rate among non-Hispanic Black girls rose to 29% Why it matters: Only the Black category reaches 29%.
- 12. Wrong connector Original: 27 and 29% consecutively Suggested revision: 27% and 29%, respectively Why it matters: Respectively matches two values to two groups.
Suggested Rewrites
- based on their demographics by ethnicity
- more Hispanic boys Hispanic boys had the highest rates in both years
- boys who aged between 12 and 19 boys aged between 12 and 19
- were corpulent were obese
- A similar percentage of boys The rates were 11% for Black boys and 13% for Hispanic boys
- 9% girls 9% of girls
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response identifies the leading groups for boys and girls and includes many relevant figures from both years. However, several comparisons are inaccurate or ambiguously labelled, including the 2004 boys and the description of 2014 non-Hispanic girls, while obesity is repeatedly replaced by the broader term overweight. Improve by organising data systematically by gender and year and checking every percentage-point comparison.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
Key trends are recognised and many data points are used, but inaccurate comparisons and category labels weaken reliability.
Check every value against both charts and distinguish percentage points from percentage change.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has an overview and a generally logical sequence, but shifts between boys, girls, years, and ethnicities are sometimes abrupt.
Use one detail paragraph for 2004 and another for 2014, comparing boys and girls consistently.
Lexical Resource
There is some range, but several words are imprecise or inappropriate for statistical reporting.
Use obesity consistently and choose neutral verbs such as rose or increased.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning remains clear, but article, agreement, modifier, and comparison structures contain frequent errors.
Practise percentage noun phrases and clauses comparing one group with another.