In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

Sample Response

Over the past few decades childhood obesity has become a growing concern for both parents and governments globally. To overcome an issue like childhood obesity, I believe that a combination of controlling consumption of the child, along with ensuring that they recieve the necessary hours of physical activity is vital.

The cause for the spike in childhood obesity in the last few decades can be linked back to various improvements we have achieved within society, namely the access to cheap ultra-processed foods, and the variety of home entertainment available to us in this day and age. Children nowadays prefer not to play outside, but to stay at home, mainly because of the devices available to them at home provides them more enjoyment than playing outside. With the development of TV, smartphones, video games, and social media, children are now given countless options to stay at home and have a goodtime without completing anything physical. Therefore, they do not use the energy they consume which then is converted into fat, which leads to obesity. To complement this behaviour, breakthroughs in the food industry have created adictive flavours like "Honey Mustard" and even "Cool Ranch". These flavours are added into a diverse range of snacks which children nowadays consume frequently, providing them with much more calories than they need, when this is combined with the lack of activity mentioned earlier, it creates the perfect environment for a child to develop obesity.

However, there are multiple ways to combat this problem which governments and individuals can both apply. The most obvious improvement to be made is to promote physical activity, a parent could achieve this by simply going outside with their children and playing with them, or they could simply go to the pool for a swim, maybe even send them to a camp, anything to get their bodies moving and burning the fat they have. Governments should promote physical movement through holding awarness days, competition, and building parks and playgrounds to encourage children to go outside and play. The next step is limit their screen time. Parents should be responsible by ensuring that their child does not exceed the recommended amount of screen time, which is around 2 hours for children. Governments can achieve this by banning social media for children, which has already been achieved by countries like Austrailia and the UK. Finally, governments and parents should ensure that their children eat healthy. Governments should be subsidising healthy alternatives to ultra-processed foods, and add additional taxes to unhealthy food. Parents should avoid purchasing unhealthy foods to prevent a child's temptation to eat unhealthy.

Obesity is a growing problem. But that does not mean that we do not have the means to solve this problem. As long as governments and parents ensure that children maintain a healthy lifestyle, child obesity can be overcome.

IELTS Writing Correction

  • 1. Missing comma Original: decades childhood Suggested revision: decades, childhood Why it matters: Add a comma after an introductory prepositional phrase.
  • 2. Unnatural phrasing Original: controlling consumption of the child Suggested revision: controlling a child's diet Why it matters: Refer to managing a child's diet rather than controlling their consumption.
  • 3. Spelling error Original: recieve Suggested revision: receive Why it matters: Correct the spelling of receive.
  • 4. Subject-verb agreement Original: provides Suggested revision: provide Why it matters: Use a plural verb form to agree with the plural subject devices.
  • 5. Spelling error Original: goodtime Suggested revision: good time Why it matters: Write good time as two separate words.
  • 6. Missing comma Original: energy they consume which then is converted Suggested revision: energy they consume, which then is converted Why it matters: Insert a comma before a non-defining relative clause.
  • 7. Spelling error Original: adictive Suggested revision: addictive Why it matters: Correct the spelling of addictive.
  • 8. Quantifier error Original: much Suggested revision: many Why it matters: Use many instead of much before the countable noun calories.
  • 9. Comma splice Original: it Suggested revision: this Why it matters: Fix the comma splice by starting a new clause or sentence appropriately.
  • 10. Comma splice Original: activity, a parent could Suggested revision: activity. A parent could Why it matters: Separate these two independent clauses with a period.
  • 11. Spelling error Original: awarness Suggested revision: awareness Why it matters: Correct the spelling of awareness.
  • 12. Plural form required Original: competition Suggested revision: competitions Why it matters: Use the plural noun competitions to match the other items in the list.

Suggested Rewrites

  • decades childhood decades, childhood
  • controlling consumption of the child controlling a child's diet
  • recieve receive
  • provides provide
  • goodtime good time
  • energy they consume which then is converted energy they consume, which then is converted
Overall assessment

Why this response received Band 7.5

The essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the prompt with well-developed causes and realistic, multi-layered solutions for both individuals and governments. Ideas flow logically through cohesive paragraphs with strong paragraph-level organisation and clear main points. To raise the writing to an even higher level, focus on eliminating minor mechanical slips such as spelling errors and comma splices.

Band score breakdown

IELTS Writing Criteria Scores

Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.

TR

Task Response

8.0
Feedback

The response fully answers the prompt by clearly explaining the causes of childhood obesity and detailing relevant actions for both individuals and governments.

Next step

Ensure all proposed solutions remain fully realistic and well-supported with precise real-world examples.

CC

Coherence and Cohesion

8.0
Feedback

Paragraphing is logical and progression is smooth throughout the response, supported by clear topic sentences and effective cohesive devices.

Next step

Vary cohesive transitions slightly to avoid occasional repetitive sequencing patterns across long paragraphs.

LR

Lexical Resource

7.0
Feedback

A wide range of topic-specific vocabulary is used naturally, though minor spelling mistakes slightly reduce precision.

Next step

Proofread carefully to eliminate spelling errors such as 'recieve', 'adictive', 'awarness', and proper noun typos like 'Austrailia'.

GRA

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.5
Feedback

A good variety of complex sentence structures is controlled effectively with high overall grammatical accuracy.

Next step

Avoid comma splices when linking independent clauses, ensuring clauses are joined with appropriate conjunctions or semi-colons.

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IELTS Writing Task 2

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

Your response

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