In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of aging populations.
Sample Response
With the advancement of healthcare and social welfare, people now live longer than in the past. This phenomenon would cause some adverse effects on both individuals and society. Fortunately, there are some ways to tackle this problem.
The longer life span detrimentally affects individuals’ mental and physical health and causes stagnation in our society. From an individual perspective, the longer people live, the weaker they become. The degradation in health results in a plethora of diseases that older people have to painfully withstand. Not to mention that the inability to continue working for the elderly makes them feel left out or redundant. As a consequence, there are high chances that they are prone to negative feelings, thereby adversely affecting their mental health. On a societal level, stagnation on a national scale is an ultimate issue caused by having too many old people. A great proportion of governmental fund and social welfare would be allocated to health care which most elderly requires. Thus, there would be an imbalance in investment in other sectors, namely education or transportation, which play a pivotal role in developing the country.
Fortunately, the government and businesses can and have carried multiple solutions to lessen the effects of this issue. The first measure is gradually lifting the retirement age. The government is implementing this solution by increasing the retirement age by a few months every year. This would ensure that people can still be a contributor to society when they reach their old age. A second solution is to offer fitness facilities that would encourage the elderly to do regular physical exercises. As a result, they would find their own happiness in their later years of life. In addition, once old people have good health, the demand for health care and social welfare would significantly reduce.
In conclusion, having a large percentage of old people is causing pressure on those individuals and society. However, there are many solutions to this problem that governments can adopt.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use present tense Original: would cause some adverse effects Suggested revision: causes some adverse effects Why it matters: The essay presents population ageing as a current reality, so the present tense is appropriate.
- 2. Correct verb collocation Original: painfully withstand Suggested revision: endure Why it matters: Endure naturally expresses experiencing the hardship caused by illnesses.
- 3. Clarify possession Original: the inability to continue working for the elderly Suggested revision: elderly people's inability to continue working Why it matters: The possessive structure clearly identifies older people as those unable to continue working.
- 4. Remove double probability Original: there are high chances that they are prone to Suggested revision: they are highly likely to experience Why it matters: The original combines two probability structures and uses prone to unnaturally with feelings.
- 5. Choose natural modifier Original: an ultimate issue Suggested revision: a major issue Why it matters: Major naturally describes the seriousness of an issue, whereas ultimate does not fit here.
- 6. Fix quantifier and number Original: A great proportion of governmental fund Suggested revision: A large proportion of government funds Why it matters: Large is the natural modifier for proportion, and funds should be plural in this general reference.
- 7. Fix relative clause Original: health care which most elderly requires Suggested revision: healthcare, which most elderly people require Why it matters: The revision supplies the missing noun after elderly and makes the verb agree with the plural subject.
- 8. Correct solution collocation Original: can and have carried multiple solutions Suggested revision: can implement, and have implemented, multiple measures Why it matters: Measures are implemented rather than solutions being carried.
- 9. Use standard collocation Original: lifting Suggested revision: raising Why it matters: Raise the retirement age is the conventional expression for increasing this limit.
- 10. Match plural subject Original: a contributor to society Suggested revision: contributors to society Why it matters: The complement should be plural because it refers back to people.
- 11. Use natural expression Original: do regular physical exercises Suggested revision: exercise regularly Why it matters: Exercise regularly is the idiomatic way to express this activity.
- 12. Use intransitive decrease Original: would significantly reduce Suggested revision: would decrease significantly Why it matters: Demand decreases by itself; reduce would require an object or a passive construction.
Suggested Rewrites
- would cause some adverse effects causes some adverse effects
- painfully withstand endure
- the inability to continue working for the elderly elderly people's inability to continue working
- there are high chances that they are prone to they are highly likely to experience
- an ultimate issue a major issue
- A great proportion of governmental fund A large proportion of government funds
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response covers problems for individuals and society and offers two relevant measures, with clear paragraph-level organisation and generally sustained development. Its main weakness is recurrent awkward phrasing and grammatical imprecision, especially in collocations, articles, agreement, and clause construction. The highest priority is to express the same ideas in more natural, controlled sentences and to develop the societal consequences with greater specificity.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
All parts of the task are addressed with relevant problems and feasible measures, although some claims remain general or overstated.
Explain the societal impact and the mechanism of each solution more precisely instead of relying on broad claims about stagnation or happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a clear overall progression, and each body paragraph follows a readily identifiable central purpose.
Use cohesive devices less mechanically and strengthen the logical connection between each proposed measure and the specific problem it resolves.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient range for the topic, but recurring inaccurate or unnatural collocations reduce precision and flexibility.
Revise combinations such as governmental fund, carried solutions, and most elderly requires into natural academic collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses both simple and complex forms, but agreement, article, and clause-structure errors recur across the essay.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clause structure and subject-verb agreement, especially around relative clauses and plural nouns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of aging populations.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.