In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The argument over the use of animals to provide food, medicine, and clothing has been ongoing for years. Some people consider the killing of animals to produce food and other products to be unnecessary. In my view, I agree with this idea and will discuss several compelling reasons in this essay.
These days, we are faced with many public health challenges regarding poor health conditions, including cancer and heart disease, caused by excessive consumption of meat on a regular and long-term basis. (1) Experts are calling for a change in human diets so that people can enjoy better health. Fortunately, many alternative meat products are available on the market. In fact, vegetarian diets are being favored by a growing number of people and can provide the same amount of nutrients for consumers. In particular, mushrooms and tofu contain high levels of protein, a kind of nutrient presumably only found in meat, and can therefore be used as a substitute. (2)
Furthermore, medical experiments on animals and medicines manufactured from animals’ body parts received little endorsement in the past. Nowadays, herbs and many other types of plant-based medicines, such as ginseng, can cure many diseases, prolong human life expectancy, and aid medical practitioners in the treatment of many illnesses. More seriously, thousands of wild animals, such as tigers and minks, are killed each year, with their fur taken to produce coats and accessories for the fashion industry. (3) There are now similar products made from plants and artificial materials that can fulfill our needs. Animals do not have to suffer for our needs anymore.
In conclusion, I think that our needs and desires do not justify the suffering of animals and animal products are no longer necessary. We can choose a different source of nourishment, medicine and clothing without any toll on wild animals.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant framing Original: In my view, I agree Suggested revision: I agree Why it matters: The replacement states the position directly without repeating the same viewpoint marker.
- 2. Remove stray marker Original: (1) Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This numbered marker has no corresponding note and interrupts the flow of the paragraph.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: the same amount of nutrients for consumers Suggested revision: similar nutritional value Why it matters: Nutritional value is a more natural and precise expression than an amount of nutrients.
- 4. Clarify the description Original: a kind of nutrient presumably only found in meat Suggested revision: a nutrient often associated with meat Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended comparison more clearly and avoids the awkward phrase “a kind of nutrient.”
- 5. Match plural referent Original: used as a substitute Suggested revision: used as meat substitutes Why it matters: The plural foods “mushrooms and tofu” require a plural complement, and naming meat clarifies what they replace.
- 6. Remove stray marker Original: (2) Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This unexplained numbered marker disrupts cohesion at the end of the paragraph.
- 7. Correct the time reference Original: received little endorsement in the past Suggested revision: receive little endorsement today Why it matters: The present tense and current time reference align this claim with the essay’s argument about modern alternatives.
- 8. Remove stray marker Original: (3) Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This isolated marker has no explained function and breaks the connection between the sentences.
- 9. Separate independent clauses Original: animals and animal products are Suggested revision: animals, and animal products are Why it matters: A comma is needed before “and” because it joins two independent clauses.
- 10. Use plural sources Original: a different source of nourishment, medicine and clothing Suggested revision: alternative sources of nourishment, medicine and clothing Why it matters: Several distinct replacements are being discussed, so the plural noun “sources” is required.
- 11. Use precise phrasing Original: without any toll on wild animals Suggested revision: without harming wild animals Why it matters: The replacement conveys the intended effect directly and uses a natural collocation.
- 12. Use concise wording Original: The argument over the use of animals to provide food Suggested revision: The debate over using animals for food Why it matters: The revision introduces the controversy more directly and removes the wordy sequence of prepositions.
Suggested Rewrites
- In my view, I agree I agree
- (1) Delete
- the same amount of nutrients for consumers similar nutritional value
- a kind of nutrient presumably only found in meat a nutrient often associated with meat
- used as a substitute used as meat substitutes
- (2) Delete
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear position and supports it across food, medicine, and clothing, with logical paragraphing and generally varied language. Its main limitation is that several claims are broad or weakly substantiated, particularly those about health and plant-based medicines, while some phrasing is awkward. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each reason with more precise evidence and careful qualification.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and all three product areas are addressed with relevant reasons, though some support is generalized or questionable.
Develop each central claim with a specific, credible explanation and qualify sweeping statements about health and medicine.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through distinct reasons, with clear paragraphing and generally effective linking.
Remove the unexplained numbered markers and use subtler connections within paragraphs to make progression feel less mechanical.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied and topic-appropriate, although several collocations and claims lack precision.
Choose more exact expressions for health effects, nutritional equivalence, and alternatives to animal products.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentence structures is used with generally strong control and only occasional non-impeding problems.
Refine article, preposition, and clause choices in longer sentences to improve naturalness and precision.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.