Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. To what extent to you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
We live in a world which is full of advertisement and these adverts are consciously and subconsciously shaping our purchasing habits. Adverts that target children, be it on TV, billboards or the internet, should be completely banned as their marketing strategies to target children are totally unethical and have detrimental effects on our young generation. In the first place, children are not decision makers and not matured enough to differentiate quality products from low-grade ones. Adverts that are primarily intended for young fail to comply with the very fundamental norm of ethical advertising - to inform people. For instance, many chocolate companies make advertisements to allure children and their adverts have more fantasy than facts. Though they know that parents would be the potential purchaser, they try to use the sentiments of children and their desires to trap parents to buy their products. Since this is quite obvious that advertisements made for children have an immoral and unacceptable objective, these adverts should not be allowed to be shown on mass media. Furthermore, children these days watch TV more than ever before. This is why allowing fabricated and immoral adverts would expose them to a pseudo-real world where they would be brainwashed. Childhood is the most precious time for the proper psychological development and that is why adverts that target children are detrimental to their cognitive development. To conclude, all campaigns and adverts that target children have only one thing common - mislead the young, allure them and force their parents to purchase products that they otherwise would not have purchased. Those unethical and heinous advertisement must be prohibited on TV by all means.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use uncountable noun Original: advertisement Suggested revision: advertising Why it matters: Advertising is the uncountable noun for promotional content in general.
- 2. Use parallel adjectives Original: not decision makers and not matured enough Suggested revision: neither decision-makers nor mature enough Why it matters: Neither...nor creates parallel coordination, and mature is the required adjective.
- 3. Improve comparison wording Original: differentiate quality products from low-grade ones Suggested revision: distinguish high-quality products from low-grade ones Why it matters: Distinguish is the natural verb, and high-quality provides a parallel contrast with low-grade.
- 4. Complete noun phrase Original: intended for young Suggested revision: intended for young people Why it matters: Young needs a head noun when referring generally to children in this structure.
- 5. Remove redundant intensifier Original: the very fundamental norm Suggested revision: the fundamental norm Why it matters: Fundamental already expresses the strongest degree, so very is redundant.
- 6. Use an em dash Original: advertising - to inform Suggested revision: advertising—to inform Why it matters: An em dash is more appropriate than a spaced hyphen for introducing the explanatory phrase.
- 7. Use natural verb Original: allure Suggested revision: entice Why it matters: Entice is the natural verb for attracting children toward a purchase.
- 8. Balance comparison nouns Original: facts Suggested revision: fact Why it matters: Both sides of this abstract comparison should use uncountable nouns.
- 9. Match plural subject Original: purchaser Suggested revision: purchasers Why it matters: The complement should be plural because it refers to parents.
- 10. Use precise expression Original: use the sentiments of children Suggested revision: exploit children's emotions Why it matters: Exploit someone's emotions expresses the intended manipulation more naturally.
- 11. Correct verb pattern Original: trap parents to buy Suggested revision: pressure parents into buying Why it matters: Pressure someone into doing something is the natural pattern for the intended coercion.
- 12. Correct dummy pronoun Original: this Suggested revision: it Why it matters: The anticipatory subject before a that-clause is it, not this.
Suggested Rewrites
- advertisement advertising
- not decision makers and not matured enough neither decision-makers nor mature enough
- differentiate quality products from low-grade ones distinguish high-quality products from low-grade ones
- intended for young intended for young people
- the very fundamental norm the fundamental norm
- advertising - to inform advertising—to inform
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay takes an unequivocal position and supports it with a relevant example of child-targeted chocolate advertising, explaining both manipulation of purchasing decisions and possible developmental harm. Its main limitation is language control: repeated overstatement and several awkward word choices and grammatical forms reduce the authority of the argument, while no paragraph breaks are used. The priority is to organise the two reasons separately and express claims in more precise, measured language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and supported with relevant reasons about manipulation and cognitive development, although some claims are overstated or insufficiently evidenced.
Explain the developmental harm more specifically and distinguish why a complete ban is preferable to strict regulation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically from children's limited judgment to manipulation and developmental harm, but the one-block presentation weakens organisation.
Separate the introduction, consumer manipulation, psychological effects, and conclusion into focused paragraphs with distinct topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied for advertising and child development, though several choices are unnatural, emotive, or imprecise.
Use measured phrases such as 'persuade children', 'influence parents', and 'misleading advertising' instead of 'allure', 'trap', and 'heinous'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is attempted with reasonable control, but article, agreement, parallelism, and noun-form errors recur.
Correct forms such as 'advertisements', 'mature enough', and 'one thing in common', and keep list structures grammatically parallel.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. To what extent to you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.