People nowadays are not fit and active than the people from the olden days. Discuss the causes for this situation and suggest some possible solutions.
Sample Response
Ever since the genesis of industrialisation, human beings have gone through many different changes. This is evident from the fact that people are no longer as physically fit and active as they used to be. It is argued that increasing use of technology and removal of many physically demanding jobs are the two cardinal reasons for this. To tackle these problems, educational programs and establishment of health facilities will be analysed for viability.
To begin, many individuals have adopted television and internet browsing as their hobbies, which has led to them adopting sedentary lifestyles. To counter this, educational programs aimed at these people can educate them about the hazards such a lifestyle poses to the health of an individual. For instance, the government of Pakistan has run many infomercials in the past few year to increase the awareness about the importance of exercising among the geriatric population. Which in turn, resulted in lower number of elderly people reporting joint related problems in the coming years. Therefore, the effectiveness of such targeted campaigns can be clearly seen.
In addition, due to industrialisation, the nature of jobs around the world has moved from being physically demanding to service oriented. Consequently, a large chunk of people does not get the necessary physical activity required to have a sound body. For this, establishment of more health facilities around the residential areas is a plausible solution. For example, a psychological study, recently conducted, found that people are generally less likely to exercise if they have to travel a long distance to get to the exercise location. As this shows, the establishment of such facilities near people’s residences is an effective method to address lifestyle-related problems.
As is clear, targeted educational campaigns and setting up more health clubs are two effectual ways to make people form healthy habits and become healthy individuals. It is thus hoped that these strategies are put into practice by the masses the world over.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Direct opening Original: genesis of industrialisation Suggested revision: beginning of industrialisation Why it matters: Genesis is unnecessarily ornate.
- 2. Natural emphasis Original: two cardinal reasons Suggested revision: two main reasons Why it matters: Main is clearer and more natural.
- 3. Missing article Original: increasing use of technology Suggested revision: the increasing use of technology Why it matters: The specific trend needs the definite article.
- 4. Missing article Original: removal of many physically demanding jobs Suggested revision: the disappearance of many physically demanding jobs Why it matters: The article and noun choice improve the phrase.
- 5. Avoid template phrase Original: analysed for viability Suggested revision: considered as possible solutions Why it matters: This states the essay purpose directly.
- 6. Natural activity phrase Original: adopted television and internet browsing as their hobbies Suggested revision: made television and internet browsing their main leisure activities Why it matters: The original collocation is awkward.
- 7. Concise health phrase Original: hazards such a lifestyle poses to the health Suggested revision: health risks of such a lifestyle Why it matters: The revision is more concise.
- 8. Plural time noun Original: in the past few year Suggested revision: in the past few years Why it matters: Few requires a plural noun.
- 9. Uncountable noun Original: increase the awareness Suggested revision: increase awareness Why it matters: Awareness does not need the here.
- 10. Sentence fragment Original: Which in turn, resulted Suggested revision: This, in turn, resulted Why it matters: Which cannot begin this standalone sentence.
- 11. Missing article Original: lower number of elderly people Suggested revision: a lower number of elderly people Why it matters: Number is a singular countable noun.
- 12. Hyphenate compound Original: joint related problems Suggested revision: joint-related problems Why it matters: The compound modifier needs a hyphen.
Suggested Rewrites
- genesis of industrialisation beginning of industrialisation
- two cardinal reasons two main reasons
- increasing use of technology the increasing use of technology
- removal of many physically demanding jobs the disappearance of many physically demanding jobs
- analysed for viability considered as possible solutions
- adopted television and internet browsing as their hobbies made television and internet browsing their main leisure activities
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay clearly identifies two plausible causes of declining fitness and pairs each with a relevant solution, using well-organised paragraphs and concrete examples. The main weakness is that one example makes an unsupported causal claim and several grammar and collocation errors interrupt otherwise fluent expression. Make examples more credible and cautious, and proofread articles, agreement, plurals, hyphenation, and sentence fragments.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The causes and solutions are directly addressed and well matched, though the infomercial example is asserted rather than convincingly demonstrated.
Explain practical implementation and use plausible evidence rather than claiming a campaign directly caused a medical outcome.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is highly clear, with each body paragraph linking one cause to one solution and a logical conclusion; only a fragment and some mechanical signalling weaken flow.
Integrate examples grammatically and avoid stock phrases when a direct logical link is clearer.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, but several phrases are inflated or inaccurate, such as cardinal reasons, analysed for viability, and sound body.
Prefer direct health-policy language such as main causes, assess, physical health, awareness, and accessible exercise facilities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex forms is used effectively, but errors remain in articles, agreement, plurals, hyphenation, and one sentence fragment.
Check each sentence for a finite main verb and proofread countable nouns and compound modifiers.