In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
Sample Response
Aggressive student behaviour is a major cause of concern in many countries. This article addresses the reasons behind such behaviour and the measures that can be taken to prevent it.
Violent student behaviour can be attributed to a bad family atmosphere, a competitive school environment and lifestyle/dietary habits. A student’s behaviour in society depends upon the atmosphere at his/her home. If the parents of student don not devote enough time for him/her, the adolescent mind goes wayward. Research and study have shown that major acts of violence were committed by people who have had abusive mother or father in their childhood. Another factor that influences student behaviour is the environment at school. A competitive and comparison-based education structure adds fuel to fire. The last but less acknowledged factor in violent behaviour is their lifestyle/dietary habits. Excess meat consumption and lack of adequate physical exercise results in an unhealthy body and mind which leads to violent acts.
The behaviour of a student reflects the society we live in. Although violent student behaviour is a matter of grave concern, there are adequate and simple measures to prevent it. Parents and teachers must devote enough time for the student and understand his/her strengths and weaknesses. They must never compare one student with another. A great deal of emphasis must be placed by schools in physical activities like swimming, running and other sports. These help to channelize the great energy of the students in a better manner. Students should also be encouraged to take up activities like gardening and caring for domestic animals. These help in providing opportunities for them to appreciate nature and the other living creatures on this planet.
Violent student behaviour, although on the rise, can be purged at the grass-root level if proper preventive measures are taken. The youth are the future of our society and it is our solemn duty to guide and make them compassionate human beings.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collocation Original: a major cause of concern Suggested revision: a major cause for concern Why it matters: Cause for concern is the standard phrase.
- 2. Essay register Original: This article addresses Suggested revision: This essay addresses Why it matters: Article is not the right label for an IELTS essay response.
- 3. Natural preposition Original: depends upon the atmosphere at his/her home Suggested revision: depends on the atmosphere at home Why it matters: This is more concise and natural.
- 4. Add article Original: the parents of student Suggested revision: the parents of a student Why it matters: Student is a singular countable noun here.
- 5. Fix verb and preposition Original: don not devote enough time for him/her Suggested revision: do not devote enough time to him or her Why it matters: This corrects the typo and the preposition after devote.
- 6. Natural phrasing Original: the adolescent mind goes wayward Suggested revision: adolescents may become less disciplined Why it matters: The original phrase is understandable but awkward.
- 7. Article needed Original: people who have had abusive mother or father Suggested revision: people who had an abusive mother or father Why it matters: A singular countable noun needs an article.
- 8. Complete idiom Original: adds fuel to fire Suggested revision: adds fuel to the fire Why it matters: The idiom requires the article the.
- 9. Clear transition Original: The last but less acknowledged factor Suggested revision: A final, less acknowledged factor Why it matters: This transition is smoother and more academic.
- 10. Agreement Original: lack of adequate physical exercise results Suggested revision: a lack of adequate physical exercise results Why it matters: The noun phrase needs an article.
- 11. Natural verb Original: channelize the great energy Suggested revision: channel students' energy Why it matters: Channel is the natural verb here.
- 12. Avoid extreme wording Original: purged at the grass-root level Suggested revision: addressed at the grass-roots level Why it matters: Purged is too strong and less natural in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- a major cause of concern a major cause for concern
- This article addresses This essay addresses
- depends upon the atmosphere at his/her home depends on the atmosphere at home
- the parents of student the parents of a student
- don not devote enough time for him/her do not devote enough time to him or her
- the adolescent mind goes wayward adolescents may become less disciplined
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses both causes and solutions with relevant ideas about family environment, school competition, physical activity, and parental or teacher involvement. Some causes are asserted rather than convincingly explained, especially diet and meat consumption.
Develop the strongest two causes in more detail and make each solution clearly respond to one of those causes.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is well organised into introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion. Progression is generally clear, though the causes paragraph becomes list-like and some transitions are mechanical.
Use clearer internal signposting inside the causes paragraph so each cause is introduced, explained, and linked to behaviour before moving on.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally appropriate and includes topic words such as aggressive behaviour, atmosphere, competitive environment, and preventive measures. However, several collocations and word forms are unnatural.
Revise common collocations such as cause for concern, devote time to, place emphasis on, and channel energy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is used, but there are errors with articles, prepositions, agreement, and word forms. These do not usually block meaning.
Check articles before singular countable nouns and prepositions after verbs such as devote, depend, and place.