Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree.
Sample Response
It is irrefutable that every field of the world is covered by media. Media is a great source of information and keeps us up to date with national and international news. However, most of the individuals think that it has a more downward effect on children’s lives and I agree with that, it put some bad impact on kids.
First of all, children indulging in activities such as drinking, smoking, crime and so on because they saw their favorite start to performing such kind of things in movies. So as a result of it, they just start to imitate them. For instance, in the movie “SHARABI” a well-known celebrity ‘Amitabh Bachchan’ had shown to taking alcohol in the whole film so he influences the youth and they start to follow them.
Furthermore, printing media as well as, electronic media show the personal life of film stars in which they show how they live a luxurious life and their family relationships. Because of it, kids attract most with their life so they spend a lot of money on buying expensive clothes and accessories which they do not really need it. Sometimes, for fulfilling this desire they go as try and enter in the world of crime.
To conclude, media is quite useful for information but nowadays it has some adverse effect as well, such as harm the moral values, high crime rate, uneducated and so on.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural expression Original: every field of the world Suggested revision: every aspect of life Why it matters: 'Every aspect of life' expresses the intended broad reach of media naturally.
- 2. Use concise wording Original: most of the individuals Suggested revision: most people Why it matters: 'Most people' is the natural general expression when no defined group precedes it.
- 3. Choose correct adjective Original: downward Suggested revision: negative Why it matters: 'Negative' describes a harmful effect, whereas 'downward' does not fit this meaning.
- 4. Fix tense and article Original: it put some bad impact Suggested revision: it has a negative impact Why it matters: The singular subject needs 'has', and 'impact' requires an article in this phrase.
- 5. Add finite verb Original: indulging Suggested revision: indulge Why it matters: The main clause requires the finite verb 'indulge'.
- 6. Keep list parallel Original: smoking, crime and so on Suggested revision: smoking, criminal activity, and so on Why it matters: 'Criminal activity' is parallel with the other activities in the list.
- 7. Repair verb structure Original: they saw their favorite start to performing Suggested revision: they see their favourite stars performing Why it matters: The general claim needs present tense, the plural noun 'stars', and a participle after 'see'.
- 8. Use precise reference Original: such kind of things Suggested revision: such activities Why it matters: 'Such activities' refers clearly and concisely to the listed behaviour.
- 9. Remove redundant linker Original: So as a result of it Suggested revision: As a result Why it matters: 'So' and 'as a result' duplicate the same causal relationship.
- 10. Use direct present verb Original: start to imitate them Suggested revision: imitate them Why it matters: The simple present directly describes the habitual reaction and avoids unnecessary wording.
- 11. Fix passive structure Original: had shown to taking alcohol Suggested revision: is shown drinking alcohol Why it matters: The passive construction requires 'is shown' followed by the participle 'drinking'.
- 12. Use natural time phrase Original: in the whole film Suggested revision: throughout the film Why it matters: 'Throughout the film' is the standard expression for something occurring across the film.
Suggested Rewrites
- every field of the world every aspect of life
- most of the individuals most people
- downward negative
- it put some bad impact it has a negative impact
- indulging indulge
- smoking, crime and so on smoking, criminal activity, and so on
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response states a clear agreement and offers two relevant lines of argument, including an illustrative example. However, development is uneven, the final paragraph adds unclear claims, and frequent grammatical and word-choice errors sometimes make the reasoning difficult to follow. Focus first on building each main idea through accurate cause-and-effect sentences, then use the conclusion only to restate the established position and key reasons.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear agreeing position is supported by relevant ideas about imitation and materialism, but development is uneven and the under-length conclusion introduces vague effects.
Explain each claimed effect in a fuller cause-and-effect chain and restate only those developed ideas in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and basic sequencing provide overall progression, although faulty referencing and loosely connected clauses disrupt local coherence.
Use clear noun references instead of repeated or ambiguous pronouns, and give each sentence one logically complete step in the argument.
Lexical Resource
The response uses some relevant and less common vocabulary, but frequent spelling, word-form, and collocation errors sometimes obscure the intended meaning.
Prioritise accurate topic collocations, such as negative effect, print media, and children are attracted to, before attempting more ambitious wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but frequent errors in verb forms, agreement, clause construction, and pronouns sometimes make sentences difficult to follow.
Build reliable complete sentences with accurate subjects and finite verbs before combining ideas into longer complex structures.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.