Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.
Sample Response
In today’s world childhood obesity is one of the most pressing problems. There are many reasons for this issue and many effects have been associated with it. However, I believe that several steps could be followed to improve this situation.
There are two main factors that are contributed to children obesity. One is bad eating habits: eating junk foods like MacDonald’s and drinking sugary soft drinks. Another possible factor could be that children nowadays tend to have a sedentary lifestyle, they play computer games, chat on the internet rather than doing sport or playing outside.
As a consequence, of these factors, children these days are becoming obese. They are overweight, unhealthy and unfit to play or to do any physical exercise. Another devastating effect is that, the higher risk of heart diseases, diabetes and cancer. These diseases put a strain on hospitals and they are going to be a heavy burden in the future.
On the other hand, I think there are several measurements can be done by parents, governments and schools. Firstly, giving children healthy food, control what they eat and ensure that they have a healthy diet. For example, the diet that includes more vegetables and less fat contents. Secondly, governments can limit junk food advertisements or prohibit those which are directed to children. Finally, restrict the time they spend on computer and video games, and encourage them to do regular exercise.
In conclusion, it is true that obesity among children with its negative impacts, is growing at an alarming rate but it seems to me that there are many solutions to tackle this problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Missing comma Original: In today’s world childhood obesity Suggested revision: In today’s world, childhood obesity Why it matters: Add a comma after the introductory phrase.
- 2. Wrong passive Original: factors that are contributed Suggested revision: factors that contribute Why it matters: Contribute is not passive in this structure.
- 3. Noun form Original: children obesity Suggested revision: childhood obesity Why it matters: Use the standard noun phrase.
- 4. Informal phrase Original: bad eating habits Suggested revision: unhealthy eating habits Why it matters: This is more precise and academic.
- 5. Brand spelling Original: MacDonald’s Suggested revision: McDonald’s Why it matters: The brand name is misspelled.
- 6. Comma splice Original: sedentary lifestyle, they play Suggested revision: sedentary lifestyle: they play Why it matters: Use a colon, semicolon, or separate sentence.
- 7. Natural collocation Original: doing sport Suggested revision: playing sports Why it matters: Playing sports is more natural here.
- 8. Extra comma Original: As a consequence, of these factors Suggested revision: As a consequence of these factors Why it matters: Do not place a comma between consequence and of.
- 9. Incomplete clause Original: Another devastating effect is that, the higher risk Suggested revision: Another devastating effect is the higher risk Why it matters: Remove that and the comma to complete the noun phrase.
- 10. Common term Original: heart diseases Suggested revision: heart disease Why it matters: Heart disease is usually uncountable as a general condition.
- 11. Wrong transition Original: On the other hand Suggested revision: To address this problem Why it matters: This paragraph gives solutions, not an opposing view.
- 12. Wrong word choice Original: several measurements can be done Suggested revision: several measures can be taken Why it matters: Measures are taken; measurements are amounts or dimensions.
Suggested Rewrites
- In today’s world childhood obesity In today’s world, childhood obesity
- factors that are contributed factors that contribute
- children obesity childhood obesity
- bad eating habits unhealthy eating habits
- MacDonald’s McDonald’s
- sedentary lifestyle, they play sedentary lifestyle: they play
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers all three parts of the task: causes, effects, and solutions. The ideas are relevant and organised, though some points are briefly developed and would benefit from more specific explanation or examples.
For each cause, add one sentence explaining how it leads to obesity, and for each solution, specify who should take the action.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is clear, with separate paragraphs for causes, effects, solutions, and conclusion. Cohesion is generally effective, but several sentences are fragments and some transitions, especially On the other hand, are not logical.
Use transitions that match the function of the paragraph, such as To address this problem for solutions.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant and fairly varied, including sedentary lifestyle, devastating effect, heart diseases, advertisements, and regular exercise. There are some word-choice and word-form errors such as measurements, fat contents, and doing sport.
Replace inaccurate word forms with natural collocations: measures, fat content, playing sports, and childhood obesity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentences, but grammar errors with clauses, articles, plurals, and fragments are frequent. Meaning is clear overall.
Check that every list item has the same grammatical form, especially in solution sentences beginning with Firstly and Finally.