Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.
Sample Response
In recent years, children, like adults, have become increasingly exposed to computers. While some child psychologists have claimed that this is a good thing, others have claimed that it has an overwhelmingly detrimental impact on children. In this essay, I shall draw upon a number of studies in cognitive science and industrial psychology that reveal the positive and negative aspects of this phenomenon.
To begin with, there are clearly reasons why computers do not allow children to develop long attention spans. This is because computers are packed with many supposedly child-friendly games that require minimal levels of concentration in order to be enjoyed.
For example, a study by the New York Child Learning Association found that children who read from picture books were 50% less likely to get distracted than children who played educational computer games. Therefore computers almost certainly have a negative impact on young children.
However, since the world has become heavily reliant on computers, there are also clearly advantages to exposing children to computers. This is because children with such exposure will stand a better chance of finding employment.
For example, after being interviewed by Yale psychologists, over 70% of young office workers admitted that they had spent long hours on computers in their middle and late childhood years. Therefore it is clear that computer exposure can be beneficial to children.
In conclusion, there are advantages and disadvantages to early computer exposure. However, if, in the future, the quality of educational gaming is increased, there is good reason to believe that these negative consequences will fall entirely away.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: computers are packed with many Suggested revision: computers offer many Why it matters: This is a more natural way to describe the availability of games on computers.
- 2. Tighten the phrase Original: minimal levels of concentration Suggested revision: minimal concentration Why it matters: The shorter form expresses the same meaning more naturally.
- 3. Use formal wording Original: get Suggested revision: become Why it matters: Become distracted is more appropriate for a formal academic essay.
- 4. Add introductory comma Original: Therefore computers Suggested revision: Therefore, computers Why it matters: A comma should follow this introductory linking adverb.
- 5. Use adjective form Original: clearly Suggested revision: clear Why it matters: The noun advantages requires the adjective clear rather than the adverb clearly.
- 6. Improve age phrasing Original: middle and late childhood years Suggested revision: middle and later childhood Why it matters: This is a more natural expression for stages within childhood.
- 7. Add introductory comma Original: Therefore it Suggested revision: Therefore, it Why it matters: A comma should follow this introductory linking adverb.
- 8. Improve the collocation Original: the quality of educational gaming is increased Suggested revision: the quality of educational games is improved Why it matters: Quality is normally improved, and educational games is clearer in this context.
- 9. Use natural wording Original: fall entirely away Suggested revision: disappear entirely Why it matters: Fall away is not a natural collocation for the disappearance of consequences.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: To begin with, there are clearly reasons why computers do not allow children to develop long attention spans. Suggested revision: To begin with, prolonged computer use can prevent children from developing long attention spans. Why it matters: This version removes wordy framing and states the existing claim more directly.
- 11. Join claim and evidence Suggested revision: Merge this example with the preceding paragraph so the evidence follows the claim it supports. Why it matters: Separating the example into its own short paragraph weakens the connection between the claim and its support.
- 12. Link the example Suggested revision: Combine this paragraph with the preceding advantage paragraph so the employment example develops that point directly. Why it matters: Keeping the claim and its supporting example together would create smoother progression.
Suggested Rewrites
- computers are packed with many computers offer many
- minimal levels of concentration minimal concentration
- get become
- Therefore computers Therefore, computers
- clearly clear
- middle and late childhood years middle and later childhood
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its fluent, controlled presentation of one clear advantage and one clear disadvantage, each supported by a relevant example. Its main limitation is that the discussion remains narrow and the final prediction about educational gaming is insufficiently justified. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each side with more careful causal reasoning and make the conclusion follow directly from the arguments presented.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both sides are addressed with a clear central idea and relevant support, although the development is somewhat narrow and the final claim is speculative.
Develop each advantage and disadvantage through fuller causal explanation, then derive the conclusion directly from that discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through clearly separated stages, though the repeated reason-example-conclusion pattern is somewhat mechanical.
Vary the way supporting points are connected and combine closely related short paragraphs into more fully developed units.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately academic, with only occasional awkward phrasing such as the final prediction that consequences will fall away.
Refine less natural collocations and favour precise, restrained wording when expressing predictions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor punctuation lapses that do not affect clarity.
Polish comma use after introductory linking expressions while maintaining the existing variety of sentence structures.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Is it good for children to start using computers from an early age and spend long hours on them? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.