Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
In this sophisticated contemporary world, computers and electronic entertainment have become phenomenal entertainment factors and nowadays everyone has started using these devices. Technology is being used in the daily life of children and they are very much depending on it. This kind of attitude drains the enthusiasms which we get from outdoor games. I totally agree with the idea of playing outside for children. Many children spend hours on computers and electronic entertainment because they are addicted to such games and it reduces their interest in playing games outdoors. This trend can eliminate the playing of games and sports as children are not participating in it. In recent years, many online games have started and there we can see all kind of games. Social media are also supporting and developing new games, which many got addicted to. Furthermore, this kind of enthusiastic enjoyment would affect the children’s health and fitness. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mind and helps young kids to study and perform well in life. These days technology brings many play station games like football, cricket etc. These games should be played in a playground, not on a digital screen. Playing on computers and other media comes a lack of exercise and it would make them weak and from childhood obesity. These kinds of trend become problems in social life also. Children playing outside with friends can easily mingle with social life. They will make good friends and able to understand society very well, so they can behave as responsible human being. Outdoors games help them to work in groups and show the spirit of teamwork. To sum-up, I believe that playing games on grounds help children more than playing games depending on technologies. We should be in touch with the technology and so keeping a certain time for playing games on computers would not harm. But total dependency on computer games is harmful. Indeed playing outdoors helps children to be healthy and fit. It also entertains them and helps to refresh their mind and body.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise opening Original: sophisticated contemporary world Suggested revision: modern world Why it matters: The original phrase is inflated and does not describe the world precisely.
- 2. Use natural noun phrase Original: phenomenal entertainment factors Suggested revision: major sources of entertainment Why it matters: “Entertainment factors” is not a natural collocation for devices and activities.
- 3. Use possessive form Original: daily life of children Suggested revision: children's daily lives Why it matters: The possessive plural form is more natural for a general reference.
- 4. Fix dependency expression Original: very much depending Suggested revision: highly dependent Why it matters: “Be dependent on” is the correct construction for a continuing state.
- 5. Use natural expression Original: enthusiasms which we get Suggested revision: enthusiasm that children gain Why it matters: “Enthusiasm” is normally uncountable here, and the revision keeps the subject focused on children.
- 6. Fix word order Original: playing outside for children Suggested revision: children playing outside Why it matters: The revised order clearly identifies children as the people who should play outside.
- 7. Repair pronoun link Original: such games and it reduces Suggested revision: such games, which reduces Why it matters: A relative clause correctly links the reduced interest to the preceding addiction.
- 8. Match plural reference Original: it Suggested revision: them Why it matters: The pronoun must agree with the plural “games and sports.”
- 9. Fix plural form Original: kind Suggested revision: kinds Why it matters: “All” requires the plural form “kinds” in this expression.
- 10. Fix relative clause Original: which many got addicted to Suggested revision: to which many children have become addicted Why it matters: The revision supplies a clear subject and uses the correct present-perfect construction.
- 11. Choose accurate noun Original: enthusiastic enjoyment Suggested revision: entertainment Why it matters: “Enthusiastic enjoyment” is an unnatural phrase for electronic games.
- 12. Use suitable modal Original: would Suggested revision: can Why it matters: “Can” appropriately expresses a general possible effect rather than a hypothetical one.
Suggested Rewrites
- sophisticated contemporary world modern world
- phenomenal entertainment factors major sources of entertainment
- daily life of children children's daily lives
- very much depending highly dependent
- enthusiasms which we get enthusiasm that children gain
- playing outside for children children playing outside
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a consistent opinion and gives relevant reasons involving exercise, health, friendship, and teamwork, so its central message remains easy to follow. Development is fairly general, while awkward wording and frequent grammatical errors repeatedly reduce precision and fluency. The most valuable improvement would be to build each main idea with a specific explanation or example and then edit sentences for accurate agreement and natural collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and relevant reasons are presented, but support is mostly general and some claims are insufficiently explained.
Extend each principal benefit of outdoor activity with a concrete example or a clearer cause-and-effect explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from technological dependence to physical and social benefits, though linking is sometimes mechanical and paragraphing is limited.
Use distinct body paragraphs for health and social development, with clearer topic sentences and less repetition.
Lexical Resource
The response uses sufficient vocabulary for the topic, but inaccurate collocations and word forms frequently make the expression unnatural.
Replace forced phrases with precise everyday academic wording and check noun forms, plurals, and verb combinations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Both simple and complex structures are attempted, but frequent agreement, article, preposition, and clause errors remain noticeable throughout.
Focus editing on complete clause structures and subject-verb agreement before adding more complex sentence patterns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.