Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing videogames. To what extent to you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Many believe that children today play too many videogames and should instead spend more time outdoors. In my opinion, though the former diversion is more educational than in years past, the full scope of the latter makes it preferable.
Advocates of gaming point out their recent evolution. This goes beyond more realistic graphics and includes the topics and types of games now available. Many games today are essentially a cinematic experience, with fully realised characters and themes that rival other great works of art. In this way, games are as educational as more respected art forms such as novels and films. Moreover, not all games are passive. There are more and more games every year that require creative and logical thinking, such as puzzles and text based mysteries. The developers of the newest apps available for phones now take advantage of improving hardware to push forward the medium and engage the mind.
Nonetheless, the games mentioned above are the exceptions and the benefits of outdoor play are greater in general. The most obvious advantage is the effect on heath. The world is facing an obesity epidemic that is at least partly driven by more sedentary lifestyles centered around consumer electronics and gaming. Going outside is a natural antidote and can instill in children good habits that will promote a healthy life later. Additionally, outdoor activities offer the opportunity for children to engage in a social activity. Most games are, to varying degrees, an individual experience but playing with others outside will foster teamwork and improved interpersonal skills.
In conclusion, games can be worthwhile but they rarely have more value than going outside. It is therefore important that parents strive to limit children’s screen time.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural activity wording Original: play too many videogames Suggested revision: spend too much time gaming Why it matters: The replacement expresses excessive time spent on the activity more naturally.
- 2. Fix the pronoun reference Original: their recent evolution Suggested revision: the medium’s recent evolution Why it matters: Their incorrectly appears to refer to the advocates rather than to gaming.
- 3. Match the plural subject Original: a cinematic experience Suggested revision: cinematic experiences Why it matters: The plural subject many games requires a plural complement in this statement.
- 4. Refine the comparison Original: other great works of art Suggested revision: established works of art Why it matters: Established makes the comparison with recognised art forms clearer and less subjective.
- 5. Use concise terminology Original: apps available for phones Suggested revision: mobile apps Why it matters: Mobile apps is the standard concise term for applications designed for phones.
- 6. Clarify the hardware change Original: improving hardware Suggested revision: increasingly powerful hardware Why it matters: The replacement specifies the relevant kind of improvement more clearly.
- 7. Use a natural collocation Original: push forward the medium Suggested revision: advance the medium Why it matters: Advance the medium is a more concise and natural formal collocation.
- 8. Correct the spelling Original: heath Suggested revision: health Why it matters: Heath is a spelling error in this context.
- 9. Add the clause comma Original: an individual experience but Suggested revision: an individual experience, but Why it matters: A comma is needed before but when it joins these two independent clauses.
- 10. Restore verb parallelism Original: improved Suggested revision: improve Why it matters: Using two coordinated verbs creates a grammatically parallel structure.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: In my opinion, though the former diversion is more educational than in years past, the full scope of the latter makes it preferable. Suggested revision: In my opinion, although video games are more educational than they were in the past, outdoor activities offer broader benefits and are therefore preferable. Why it matters: Naming both activities directly removes the vague former-latter references and clarifies the comparison.
Suggested Rewrites
- play too many videogames spend too much time gaming
- their recent evolution the medium’s recent evolution
- a cinematic experience cinematic experiences
- other great works of art established works of art
- apps available for phones mobile apps
- improving hardware increasingly powerful hardware
Why this response received Band 8.5
The response is strongest in its clear, nuanced position and well-organised comparison of gaming with outdoor activity. Its main limitation is that the gaming discussion occupies substantial space while some benefits of outdoor play remain general, reducing the depth of the case for the preferred option. The highest-priority improvement is to develop one outdoor benefit with a specific causal example and tighten occasional awkward lexical choices.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly addresses the question with a clear preference and relevant discussion of both activities, although support for outdoor play could be more fully extended.
Develop one outdoor benefit through a concrete example that clearly shows why it outweighs the educational value of gaming.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically sequenced, clearly paragraphed, and cohesively guided through concession and contrast with little strain for the reader.
Tighten the balance between the two body paragraphs so the preferred position receives slightly more sustained development.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is broad and generally precise, though occasional awkward wording and the misspelling of health prevent completely polished lexical control.
Replace strained phrases such as full scope with more exact wording and proofread carefully for isolated spelling slips.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only very minor punctuation or formulation lapses.
Add a comma before but where it joins substantial independent clauses and continue checking the clarity of densely layered sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing videogames. To what extent to you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.