As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways.What are the main differences between young children’s social behaviour and that of adults? To what extent the changes that take place are good?
Sample Response
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that the children’s social conduct is changing significantly in some ways as they are becoming adults. There are manifold alterations between the adults and young’s behaviour. In this essay, I will cite some appropriate points about this issue and give my opinion that whether these changes tend to negative or positive direction. Actually, people's behaviours are contingent upon their ages. The young people are more energetic and of course, it influences to their life perspectives. As bad luck would have it, sometimes the young are being self-righteous despite their wrong manners. Most time their attitudes become obdurate, as a repercussion of it, they squabble with each other over the trivial peccadillos. On the other hand, the adults' characters differ from the young utterly. They are much more sophisticated in terms of the life experience. That is why they fathom everything thoroughly. It behoves the young to get advice from the adults in order to comprehend the life in depth. At the same time, the grown-up’s behaviour are more tranquil and congenial in the society and it is undoubtfully true that in the essence of each stupendous achievement belonging to any young person stands the old’s aid and advice. Sometimes as children are getting older, the changes which are encompassed their behaviour tend to the bad way. They feel so that they can do everything and as a result, it contributes to the generating of the feeling of tremendous brash. However, as they become adults, this process inculcates them to garner the new life experiences in the mankind. Taking all things into account, it seems to me that the changes related to children’s attitude depend on their trait much more than their age. Because each individual is represented with his character and this personality qualification starts with the time he is born and terminates via the death.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unnecessary article Original: the children’s social conduct Suggested revision: children’s social behaviour Why it matters: The general plural noun does not take 'the' here, and 'behaviour' matches the topic more naturally.
- 2. Fix comparison structure Original: alterations between the adults and young’s behaviour Suggested revision: differences between adults’ and young people’s behaviour Why it matters: The replacement forms a grammatical comparison between the behaviour of the two groups.
- 3. Fix direction phrase Original: tend to negative or positive direction Suggested revision: are positive or negative Why it matters: The original phrase lacks an article and uses 'tend' incorrectly.
- 4. Use uncountable noun Original: people's behaviours Suggested revision: people's behaviour Why it matters: 'Behaviour' is normally uncountable when referring generally to how people act.
- 5. Remove wrong preposition Original: influences to their life perspectives Suggested revision: influences their outlook on life Why it matters: 'Influence' takes a direct object, and the revised noun phrase is idiomatic.
- 6. Use concise transition Original: As bad luck would have it Suggested revision: Unfortunately Why it matters: A concise transition makes the relationship to the negative example clearer.
- 7. Choose accurate wording Original: wrong manners Suggested revision: poor behaviour Why it matters: 'Poor behaviour' accurately describes objectionable conduct, whereas 'wrong manners' is not idiomatic.
- 8. Add missing words Original: Most time Suggested revision: Most of the time Why it matters: The fixed expression requires 'of the'.
- 9. Fix result link Original: as a repercussion of it Suggested revision: and as a result Why it matters: This connector links the result grammatically without the vague pronoun 'it'.
- 10. Avoid strained wording Original: trivial peccadillos Suggested revision: minor issues Why it matters: The simpler phrase conveys the meaning clearly without an unnecessarily obscure word.
- 11. Keep comparison consistent Original: the adults' characters Suggested revision: adults' behaviour Why it matters: The discussion compares behaviour rather than people's entire characters.
- 12. Fix article and link Original: in terms of the life experience Suggested revision: because of their life experience Why it matters: The revision provides the intended cause and removes the unnecessary article.
Suggested Rewrites
- the children’s social conduct children’s social behaviour
- alterations between the adults and young’s behaviour differences between adults’ and young people’s behaviour
- tend to negative or positive direction are positive or negative
- people's behaviours people's behaviour
- influences to their life perspectives influences their outlook on life
- As bad luck would have it Unfortunately
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response presents a recognizable comparison between younger people and adults and attempts to evaluate whether maturation is beneficial. Its position becomes inconsistent, ideas are only loosely developed, and persistent awkward wording and grammar often obscure the intended relationships. The priority is to organize the two task parts clearly, support each comparison with specific explanation, and state a consistent judgment about the value of the changes.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses differences and attempts an evaluation, but its claims are generalized, insufficiently supported, and inconsistent with the conclusion.
Develop specific behavioural comparisons and maintain one clear judgment about how beneficial the changes are throughout the response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas follow a loose comparison-and-evaluation sequence, but the single-paragraph presentation and mechanical linking weaken progression and clarity.
Use an introduction, separate body paragraphs for comparison and evaluation, and a conclusion that clearly reflects the developed position.
Lexical Resource
There is considerable lexical ambition, but frequent misuse of sophisticated words and unnatural collocations often obscures precise meaning.
Choose familiar, context-appropriate vocabulary and verify collocations instead of relying on ornate words whose meanings do not fit.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, prepositions, possession, and clause construction regularly strain comprehension.
Build accurate main clauses first, then add controlled subordinate clauses while checking agreement and article use sentence by sentence.
Use this task for your next draft
Feedback is more useful when you actively apply it in a draft, rather than only recognising improvements on the page.
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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