Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Mobile phones have become widely used in recent years. However, these days scientists want to know the reasons for the alarming trend of increased consumption of smartphones by many youngsters, and explore its ramifications on youths experiencing this. I believe that using mobile phones at a very young age could have detrimental effects on family relationships and children’s mental health as well.
To embark on, one of the main reasons why young generations use smartphones on a wide range is because of parents’ preoccupation. In other words, when fathers and mothers are crowded with hectic work, they do not have enough time to communicate with their offspring. This can be witnessed in Egypt where many single mothers work at more than one job in order to secure a better life standard for their children. Thus it is recommended that guardians should dedicate more time to their offspring to avoid family relationship gaps.
Nevertheless, mobiles could have deleterious effects on juveniles’ cognitive skills. To illustrate, if young children use smartphones for a long time, they might develop mental problems. For example, research conducted by some psychologists at Cairo University, in Egypt, stated that 30 per cent of children who consumed mobile phones at a young age suffered from Autistic Spectrum. Hence, it can be said that phones could be of a damaging impact on youths’ mentality.
In conclusion, after this essay has manifested the points above, it can be reiterated that busy caretakers might lead to the over-consumption of mobiles by their children, and this could have a negative effect on their mental status as well as the family relationship.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant ending Original: mental health as well Suggested revision: mental health Why it matters: As well is unnecessary because the sentence already joins the two effects with and.
- 2. Use correct opener Original: To embark on Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: To embark on requires an object and cannot function alone as this paragraph opener.
- 3. Use natural noun Original: generations Suggested revision: people Why it matters: Young people is the natural term for the group described here.
- 4. Fix usage phrase Original: on a wide range Suggested revision: extensively Why it matters: On a wide range does not describe the extent of smartphone use correctly.
- 5. Complete cause clause Original: because of parents’ preoccupation Suggested revision: because their parents are preoccupied Why it matters: The revised clause states the causal relationship clearly and grammatically.
- 6. Correct collocation Original: crowded with hectic work Suggested revision: overwhelmed by demanding work Why it matters: People can be overwhelmed by work, while crowded does not collocate with work in this sense.
- 7. Use standard collocation Original: better life standard Suggested revision: higher standard of living Why it matters: Higher standard of living is the conventional expression for improved material conditions.
- 8. Clarify the outcome Original: avoid family relationship gaps Suggested revision: prevent family relationships from deteriorating Why it matters: The original phrase is unclear and uses an unnatural collocation.
- 9. Correct transition Original: Nevertheless, mobiles could Suggested revision: Moreover, mobile phones could Why it matters: This paragraph adds another negative consequence rather than contrasting with the previous point.
- 10. Use precise wording Original: juveniles’ cognitive skills Suggested revision: children’s cognitive development Why it matters: Cognitive development more accurately describes the broad mental effects discussed next.
- 11. Use precise term Original: mental problems Suggested revision: mental health problems Why it matters: Mental health problems is clearer and more specific in this context.
- 12. Use research verb Original: stated Suggested revision: found Why it matters: Research findings are more naturally reported with found than stated.
Suggested Rewrites
- mental health as well mental health
- To embark on To begin with
- generations people
- on a wide range extensively
- because of parents’ preoccupation because their parents are preoccupied
- crowded with hectic work overwhelmed by demanding work
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response has a clear negative position and a conventional structure that makes its main line of argument easy to follow. Its principal weakness is uneven development: the explanation for heavy smartphone use is narrow, while the claimed link with autism is insufficiently credible and several ideas are expressed through inaccurate collocations. The priority is to support both parts with more convincing causal reasoning and precise, natural language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered and the position is clear, but the causes and negative effects are developed somewhat narrowly and unconvincingly.
Explain the causal chain more fully and replace the unsupported autism claim with a credible, directly relevant example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear paragraph structure and overall progression, although some linking expressions are mechanical or logically imprecise.
Use transitions that accurately signal the relationship between the cause paragraph and the effects paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonably broad vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations reduce precision and naturalness.
Prioritise accurate combinations such as smartphone use, busy parents, and harmful effects instead of forcing less familiar wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates meaning clearly, though recurring article, preposition, and clause-level weaknesses remain.
Edit complex sentences for cleaner clause relationships and more accurate use of articles and prepositions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.