Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
In today's digital age, children are exposed to a significant amount of screen time, spending hours watching TV and playing video games. Some people say that it has harmful psychological impacts on young minds. This essay agrees on the notion that these activities can be detrimental to a child's mental well-being.
One of the major concerns associated with excessive TV watching and video game playing is the sedentary lifestyle it promotes. Children who spend prolonged periods sitting in front of screens are at risk of developing psychological problems as a result. A sedentary and indoor lifestyle increases the risk of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety. For example, a study conducted by the World Health Organization found a correlation between excessive screen time and an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety.
Another significant drawback of excessive TV watching and video game playing is the potential for social isolation and impaired social skills. Children who spend excessive time engaged in these activities may miss out on real-world interactions and face difficulties developing meaningful relationships. Face-to-face communication and social engagement are vital for a child's social and emotional development. Without these experiences, children may struggle to develop essential social skills, such as empathy, communication, and conflict resolution. For instance, research conducted by the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that excessive screen time during early childhood can lead to delayed social skills and difficulties in forming interpersonal relationships.
In conclusion, excessive TV watching and video game playing can have negative effects on a child's mental health. The sedentary nature of these activities hampers a child's emotional development and hinders their social skills while also increasing their mental problems.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify plural reference Original: it has harmful psychological impacts Suggested revision: these activities have harmful psychological effects Why it matters: The plural activities need an explicit plural subject, and “effects” is the natural noun.
- 2. Correct agreement phrase Original: agrees on the notion Suggested revision: agrees with the view Why it matters: The verb “agree” takes “with” when accepting a view.
- 3. Match plural activities Original: sedentary lifestyle it promotes Suggested revision: sedentary lifestyle they promote Why it matters: The two activities require the plural pronoun “they.”
- 4. Use direct modal form Original: at risk of developing psychological problems as a result Suggested revision: may develop psychological problems as a result Why it matters: The modal expresses the potential outcome more directly.
- 5. Remove unnecessary conjunction Original: A sedentary and indoor lifestyle Suggested revision: A sedentary indoor lifestyle Why it matters: Both adjectives can directly modify “lifestyle” without “and.”
- 6. Use concise prevalence phrase Original: an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety Suggested revision: a higher prevalence of depression and anxiety Why it matters: “Higher prevalence” is the standard concise comparative phrase.
- 7. Use natural quantity phrase Original: spend excessive time Suggested revision: spend too much time Why it matters: “Too much time” is the natural expression for an excessive duration.
- 8. Use uncountable difficulty Original: face difficulties developing Suggested revision: have difficulty developing Why it matters: The fixed expression is “have difficulty” followed by a gerund.
- 9. Use development collocation Original: skills Suggested revision: development Why it matters: Development can be delayed, whereas individual skills are more naturally underdeveloped.
- 10. Use concise difficulty phrase Original: difficulties in forming interpersonal relationships Suggested revision: difficulty forming interpersonal relationships Why it matters: The uncountable singular form and direct gerund are more concise.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: In today's digital age, children are exposed to a significant amount of screen time, spending hours watching TV and playing video games. Suggested revision: In today's digital age, children spend significant amounts of time watching TV and playing video games. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the illogical claim that children are “exposed to screen time” and avoids a dangling participle.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: The sedentary nature of these activities hampers a child's emotional development and hinders their social skills while also increasing their mental problems. Suggested revision: The sedentary nature of these activities can hinder children's emotional and social development while increasing their risk of mental health problems. Why it matters: The rewrite removes repetition, fixes pronoun consistency, and uses the correct mental-health collocation.
Suggested Rewrites
- it has harmful psychological impacts these activities have harmful psychological effects
- agrees on the notion agrees with the view
- sedentary lifestyle it promotes sedentary lifestyle they promote
- at risk of developing psychological problems as a result may develop psychological problems as a result
- A sedentary and indoor lifestyle A sedentary indoor lifestyle
- an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety a higher prevalence of depression and anxiety
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay's strongest feature is its direct, well-structured support for a clear position, with two developed pathways from excessive screen use to poorer mental and social well-being. Its main limitation is some repetition and a few imprecise expressions, especially where correlation is treated as straightforward causation. Prioritise qualifying the evidence and varying repeated references to excessive television and gaming use.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response fully addresses the question with a clear position and two relevant, well-developed arguments supported by examples.
Add a brief qualification about the amount or type of screen use so the causal claims are more nuanced and defensible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices and referencing used effectively despite some repetition.
Vary sentence openings and use concise references to screen-based activities to reduce repeated wording across the body paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A broad and generally precise vocabulary conveys the psychological and social arguments clearly, with a few awkward collocations and repeated terms.
Prefer natural phrases such as agrees with the view and mental health difficulties, while varying repeated uses of excessive screen time.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response demonstrates a wide range of accurate complex structures, and the few minor errors do not impede meaning.
Check pronoun reference and verb-preposition combinations to eliminate isolated slips in otherwise controlled sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.