Competition for university study is becoming increasingly strong. Why are universities becoming more competitive? Is this a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
In recent years, it has been noticeable that the university entrance exam is getting increasingly competitive, and some have questioned why or whether this is a positive development. I believe there are two main reasons for this, and I don’t think this is either an entirely positive or negative phenomenon.
The first reason why attending tertiary education nowadays is more competitive than ever is due to the vast investment of parents into their children’s education. In the past, it was acceptable for a child to drop out of school to help with farming. However, most parents now want to ensure a better future for their kids, so they urge them to compete for a slot in the most prestigious university possible. The second reason why universities are getting harder to get into is simply because of the rising population of high schoolers. More universities should have been built to accommodate this demand from upcoming generations. However, because the rate of opening new colleges cannot compete with that of population rise, children would have to compete against one another for college admissions.
Regardless of the reason for this development, I do not see this as entirely positive nor negative. On the one hand, there are some benefits to this. Future generations will be more knowledgeable than the current ones. With an influx of fresh graduates equipped with high-level knowledge, the country can expect more technological developments. This can be seen from the growth of entrepreneurship in the technology industry. On the other hand, however, this intense competition will take a toll on both students and parents. More time will be spent studying for the exam, which equates to deteriorating physical and mental health of high schoolers. Parents are also affected by the mental and financial pressure of finding and paying for tutoring centers.
In conclusion, getting into colleges is more competitive due to children being more competitive and the population rising. Although I think this is a positive development for society, some measures are needed to prevent the ultimate burnout.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Generalise with plural Original: university entrance exam is getting Suggested revision: university entrance exams are becoming Why it matters: The plural form suits a general trend, and becoming is more formal.
- 2. Restore parallel meaning Original: questioned why or whether this is a positive development Suggested revision: questioned why this is happening and whether it is a positive development Why it matters: The two questions need separate complements joined in a parallel structure.
- 3. Correct collocation Original: attending tertiary education Suggested revision: gaining admission to tertiary education Why it matters: People attend institutions or courses, while admission is what becomes competitive.
- 4. Correct investment phrase Original: vast investment of parents into Suggested revision: substantial investment by parents in Why it matters: Investment by someone in something is the natural grammatical pattern.
- 5. Use precise wording Original: rising population of high schoolers Suggested revision: growing number of high school students Why it matters: Number is more precise for a countable group, and students is more formal.
- 6. Correct modal timing Original: should have been built Suggested revision: should be built Why it matters: The argument proposes a present response rather than regretting an unrealised past action.
- 7. Improve rate expression Original: rate of opening new colleges Suggested revision: rate at which new colleges are opening Why it matters: This is the natural structure for describing the speed of an ongoing process.
- 8. Clarify comparison Original: that of population rise Suggested revision: the rate of population growth Why it matters: Naming the compared rate removes the vague reference and fixes the collocation.
- 9. Use present consequence Original: children would have to compete Suggested revision: children have to compete Why it matters: The surrounding argument describes a current reality, so the present tense is needed.
- 10. Express consequence accurately Original: equates to deteriorating physical and mental health of high schoolers Suggested revision: can lead to deteriorating physical and mental health among high school students Why it matters: Can lead to expresses a consequence more accurately than equates to.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: the ultimate burnout Suggested revision: severe burnout Why it matters: Severe is a natural modifier for the uncountable noun burnout.
- 12. Use formal wording Original: kids Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Children is more appropriate than the informal kids in an academic essay.
Suggested Rewrites
- university entrance exam is getting university entrance exams are becoming
- questioned why or whether this is a positive development questioned why this is happening and whether it is a positive development
- attending tertiary education gaining admission to tertiary education
- vast investment of parents into substantial investment by parents in
- rising population of high schoolers growing number of high school students
- should have been built should be built
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay responds to both questions with a clear two-part structure and develops the effects of competition through relevant discussion of students, parents, and society. However, the stated position shifts from neither entirely positive nor negative in the introduction to positive with safeguards in the conclusion, and parts of the causal reasoning are imprecise. Establish one consistent judgement and explain each cause with a tighter causal chain.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both causes and positive and negative effects are addressed and developed, but the final judgement is inconsistent with the introduction and some causal links are loose.
Choose one nuanced overall judgement and show more explicitly how parental investment and population growth intensify admissions competition.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically divided and generally progresses smoothly, with clear internal sequencing of causes and effects.
Integrate shorter supporting claims more tightly so that each paragraph advances one continuous line of reasoning.
Lexical Resource
A broad academic vocabulary conveys the argument effectively, despite several awkward collocations and imprecise word choices.
Replace expressions such as vast investment into, population rise, and ultimate burnout with more natural, exact phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex sentences are mostly accurate and meaning remains clear, although a few structures and reference choices are imperfect.
Check conditional forms, comparison structures, and pronoun reference to improve consistency across complex sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Competition for university study is becoming increasingly strong. Why are universities becoming more competitive? Is this a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.