Some claim that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Men are stereotypically considered to be more competitive than women. In my opinion, though this is ostensibly true, in fact, competitiveness just finds different expression in females.
The traditional argument in favor of this claim is that men are predisposed genetically to aggressive traits. Men have elevated levels of the hormone testosterone. This is supposedly an evolved adaptation as males in human pre-history had to battle one another for dominance and required a surplus of strength to hunt and provide for the whole family. In the modern world, this translates to a heightened aggressiveness often reflected in the number of ambitious men, driven to excel in their chosen field. Numerous studies and tests have confirmed the surface-level validity of this argument.
However, this ignores the fact that women simply have different outlets for their competitive qualities. In the past, societal prejudices often discouraged women from expressing an interest in competitive sports and ambitious career paths. It is now more common for females to embrace their competitive drive and strive for goals similar to men. However, this is merely a redirection of innate desires that were already present. Instead of competing in traditionally competitive fields, women in past generations focused their energies towards more domestic matters. These might not have been as seemingly competitive but women nonetheless had to compete against each other to gain the highest possible position in society available to them at the time.
In conclusion, despite the evolutionary evidence to support the natural competitiveness of males, I feel that the sexes are generally equal in this area though women express this desire more subtly. Such narrow stereotyping of both genders is often overly simplistic.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add article Original: finds different expression Suggested revision: finds a different expression Why it matters: The singular count noun ‘expression’ requires an article here.
- 2. Improve word order Original: predisposed genetically Suggested revision: genetically predisposed Why it matters: Placing the adverb before the participle produces the natural adjective phrase.
- 3. Use standard spelling Original: human pre-history Suggested revision: human prehistory Why it matters: ‘Prehistory’ is conventionally written as one word.
- 4. Clarify meaning Original: a surplus of strength Suggested revision: sufficient strength Why it matters: ‘Sufficient strength’ clearly conveys the amount needed for the activities described.
- 5. Use natural collocation Original: translates to a heightened aggressiveness Suggested revision: translates into heightened aggression Why it matters: ‘Translates into’ and the noun ‘aggression’ form the more natural expression.
- 6. Clarify relationship Original: number Suggested revision: prevalence Why it matters: ‘Prevalence’ better expresses how commonly this trait is observed among men.
- 7. Use concise wording Original: surface-level validity Suggested revision: apparent validity Why it matters: ‘Apparent validity’ conveys that the claim seems credible only initially.
- 8. Complete comparison Original: goals similar to men Suggested revision: goals similar to those of men Why it matters: Goals must be compared with men’s goals rather than with men themselves.
- 9. Improve word choice Original: a redirection of innate desires Suggested revision: a new expression of innate desires Why it matters: ‘Expression’ better matches the claim that the underlying competitive desire already existed.
- 10. Correct collocation Original: towards Suggested revision: on Why it matters: The verb ‘focus’ takes ‘on’ when identifying the object of attention.
- 11. Use precise noun Original: matters Suggested revision: pursuits Why it matters: ‘Pursuits’ more precisely describes activities into which people direct their energy.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: These might not have been as seemingly competitive but women nonetheless had to compete against each other to gain the highest possible position in society available to them at the time. Suggested revision: These pursuits might not have seemed as competitive, but women nonetheless competed with one another for the highest social position available to them at the time. Why it matters: The rewrite clarifies the pronoun reference, removes the awkward double comparison, and makes the contrast easier to follow.
Suggested Rewrites
- finds different expression finds a different expression
- predisposed genetically genetically predisposed
- human pre-history human prehistory
- a surplus of strength sufficient strength
- translates to a heightened aggressiveness translates into heightened aggression
- number prevalence
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay offers a clear, nuanced position and develops a coherent comparison of how competitiveness may be expressed differently by men and women. Its main limitation is reliance on broad evolutionary and historical generalisations rather than sharply qualified evidence. The most useful refinement would be to make those claims more precise while reducing minor repetition and occasional awkward phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is fully addressed through a clear position and well-developed consideration of apparent and underlying differences.
Qualify the broad historical and biological claims with more precise reasoning or concrete support.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses smoothly from the conventional view to the counterargument and a consistent conclusion.
Make the internal progression of the second body paragraph slightly tighter by consolidating overlapping points.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and flexible, with only minor repetition and a few slightly strained combinations.
Reduce repetition of competitive and refine occasional phrases such as surplus of strength.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are handled accurately and flexibly, with errors rare and non-impeding.
Polish the few densely qualified sentences so their punctuation and contrasts read even more cleanly.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some claim that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.