In many countries, the law says that people must attend school until they become 18 years old. Does the advantage outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
It has been observed that in several nations, either developed or underdeveloped, the constitution focus on the compulsory attendance of masses in school till they become adult. In my perspective, it is more lucrative for individuals to get employment and ameliorate their living standards.
To commence with, looking at its advantageous aspects, if people get education till they become mature; then, they can get the desired job. To exemplify it, education assists the masses in acquiring knowledge about basic mathematical skills such as basic subtraction, addition and also improving communication skills in the language. It prepares the masses for future jobs. After completing their secondary education, they will be able to earn bread and butter, and their small earning also help them to get territory education get more wages after getting a degree. Moreover, they also can make their lifestyle better as they will be aware of tidiness, moral values, and kind gestures. In this way, they will be able to lead a prosperous life.
On the other hand, some persons opine that attending a school will not help them to make both ends meet. It takes a lot of time to collect the knowledge. Besides, paying school fees is an expensive affair. They only focus on their present, and they are entirely unaware of the future outcomes. However, in reality, such kinds of people always get lower wages than literate people. They are neither capable of getting an education nor white-collar jobs. As a matter of fact, they are unable to upgrade their living standards. Thus, initial education helps masses alot to make them up to date and have a balanced personality.
To conclude, in consideration of the above analysis, it is ostensible that attending school is mandatory for the persons to upgrade their lifestyle and to make both ends meet. It has other additional benefits, namely acquiring moral values, a kind gesture, and to name but a few. Certainly, the benefits are greater than the demerits.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a concise opener Original: To commence with, looking at its advantageous aspects Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: The shorter transition introduces the advantages without redundant wording.
- 2. Add the article Original: get education Suggested revision: receive an education Why it matters: Education needs an article in this countable expression.
- 3. Fix clause punctuation Original: till they become mature; then, Suggested revision: until they reach adulthood, Why it matters: The conditional clause should be followed by a comma rather than a semicolon and then.
- 4. Use natural wording Original: the desired job Suggested revision: a suitable job Why it matters: A suitable job is a more natural general expression here.
- 5. Use a clear example marker Original: To exemplify it Suggested revision: For example Why it matters: For example introduces the illustration directly and naturally.
- 6. Remove the faulty collocation Original: knowledge about basic mathematical skills Suggested revision: basic mathematical skills Why it matters: People acquire skills directly rather than knowledge about skills in this sentence.
- 7. Make the list parallel Original: such as basic subtraction, addition and also improving communication skills in the language Suggested revision: such as subtraction and addition, while also improving communication skills in the language Why it matters: The revision separates the mathematical examples from the additional communication benefit.
- 8. Correct adverb position Original: they also can Suggested revision: they can also Why it matters: Also normally follows the modal verb can.
- 9. Use a precise verb Original: make their lifestyle better Suggested revision: improve their lifestyles Why it matters: Improve expresses the intended change more directly and agrees with the plural subject.
- 10. Correct the word choices Original: be aware of tidiness, moral values, and kind gestures Suggested revision: understand cleanliness, moral values, and kindness Why it matters: The revised nouns form a coherent list of qualities people can understand.
- 11. Use natural wording Original: some persons opine Suggested revision: some people believe Why it matters: Some people believe is clearer and less awkwardly formal.
- 12. Remove the article Original: attending a school Suggested revision: attending school Why it matters: School is used without an article when referring to education generally.
Suggested Rewrites
- To commence with, looking at its advantageous aspects To begin with
- get education receive an education
- till they become mature; then, until they reach adulthood,
- the desired job a suitable job
- To exemplify it For example
- knowledge about basic mathematical skills basic mathematical skills
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response states a consistent view and organizes the discussion into recognizable advantages, disadvantages, and a conclusion. Its main limitation is that the disadvantage analysis becomes confused and is often replaced by claims about the consequences of being uneducated, while frequent collocation and grammar problems weaken clarity. The highest-priority improvement is to develop genuine drawbacks of compulsory schooling before rebutting them, using simpler, more accurate language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear conclusion and relevant advantages, but its treatment of disadvantages is limited and partly diverted from the question.
Explain at least one genuine drawback of compulsory schooling to age eighteen before showing why the benefits outweigh it.
Coherence and Cohesion
The broad paragraph structure is clear, but vague references and weak logical connections disrupt progression within the body paragraphs.
Build each body paragraph as a controlled chain from topic sentence to explanation, example, and explicit link to the position.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts varied vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate word choices and collocations sometimes make ideas difficult to follow.
Use familiar words accurately and verify collocations instead of relying on less common vocabulary that does not fit the context.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is an attempt to vary sentence forms, but frequent errors with agreement, articles, and clause construction reduce accuracy.
Simplify overloaded sentences and systematically check subject-verb agreement, articles, and clause boundaries.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, the law says that people must attend school until they become 18 years old. Does the advantage outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.