These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Nowadays, many children spend the majority of their time playing computer games and hardly engage in any sport or exercise. Overall, I believe this is definitely a negative trend and will discuss the reasons in the following essay.
To begin with, most computer games these days are highly interactive and allow players to immerse in a complex storyline and control characters at their own will. For instance, Mortal Kombat 11 allows players to easily change the outcomes of the story based on the character chosen, which can trigger the imagination and curiosity of children, and encourage them to spend the whole day playing to discover all the story endings. (1) The second reason for the popularity of computer games over sports is the sedentary lifestyle favoured by a large number of children, especially those living in big cities. Compared to sports, computer games are less physically demanding, and therefore draw much more attention from these lazy, inactive children.
From my perspective, computer games can have many detrimental effects on children. Firstly, spending too much time on computer games without doing any physical exercise will reduce children’s calorie expenditure as they only sit at home and play games. This can make children more prone to many health problems, such as obesity or cardiovascular diseases when they grow older. Secondly, playing games excessively also causes children to lose their communication skills. As a result, it can be very difficult for game-addicted children to develop the ability to establish connections with others in real life which are normally developed through participation in team sports, like football or basketball. (2)
In conclusion, playing computer games is becoming more popular than sports due to the interesting and interactive content, together with the low demand for physical strength. I personally believe that this trend does more harm than good and should be prevented to ensure the proper development of children.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: engage in any sport or exercise Suggested revision: take part in sports or exercise Why it matters: This phrasing is more natural when referring generally to physical activities.
- 2. Add reflexive pronoun Original: immerse in a complex storyline Suggested revision: immerse themselves in a complex storyline Why it matters: The verb “immerse” needs a reflexive object when the players perform the action on themselves.
- 3. Use idiomatic phrasing Original: at their own will Suggested revision: as they wish Why it matters: “As they wish” expresses free choice more idiomatically here.
- 4. Refine noun phrase Original: change the outcomes of the story Suggested revision: change the story's outcome Why it matters: The singular possessive phrase is more concise and natural in this context.
- 5. Use concise possessive Original: curiosity of children Suggested revision: children's curiosity Why it matters: The possessive form is the more natural way to express this relationship.
- 6. Remove unnecessary comma Original: , and encourage them Suggested revision: and encourage them Why it matters: The two coordinated verbs share the same subject, so a comma is unnecessary.
- 7. Remove source marker Original: (1) Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This unexplained marker interrupts the paragraph and has no function in the response.
- 8. Choose natural verb Original: favoured Suggested revision: preferred Why it matters: “Preferred” more naturally describes a lifestyle that children choose.
- 9. Improve collocation Original: draw much more attention from Suggested revision: are much more appealing to Why it matters: Games are appealing to children, whereas “draw attention from” is awkward in this comparison.
- 10. Use precise risk phrase Original: more prone to many health problems Suggested revision: at greater risk of health problems Why it matters: This collocation states the increased health risk more precisely.
- 11. Use concise phrasing Original: low demand for physical strength Suggested revision: low physical demands Why it matters: The revised phrase expresses the same idea more naturally and concisely.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: As a result, it can be very difficult for game-addicted children to develop the ability to establish connections with others in real life which are normally developed through participation in team sports, like football or basketball. (2) Suggested revision: As a result, game-addicted children may struggle to form real-life connections and develop communication skills through participation in team sports such as football or basketball. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the unclear relative-clause reference and the unexplained marker while preserving the original claim.
Suggested Rewrites
- engage in any sport or exercise take part in sports or exercise
- immerse in a complex storyline immerse themselves in a complex storyline
- at their own will as they wish
- change the outcomes of the story change the story's outcome
- curiosity of children children's curiosity
- , and encourage them and encourage them
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response directly answers both questions, maintains a clear negative position, and supports it with relevant explanations about health and social development. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision in phrasing and some broadly asserted reasoning, particularly the description of inactive children. The highest-priority improvement is to express each causal link with more precise, natural wording and less sweeping characterisation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are fully addressed through a clear position and relevant, well-extended reasons and consequences.
Make the sedentary-lifestyle explanation less circular by showing why urban conditions encourage gaming instead of sport.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-controlled paragraphs, and cohesive devices make the two-part argument easy to follow.
Remove the unexplained parenthetical markers and use a slightly smoother transition between the two reasons in the second paragraph.
Lexical Resource
A wide vocabulary conveys the argument precisely overall, although a few combinations such as 'immerse in' and 'at their own will' are unnatural.
Refine collocations by using forms such as 'immerse themselves in' and 'control the characters as they wish.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentence forms is handled accurately, with only occasional minor problems that do not impede meaning.
Polish long sentences by checking pronoun reference and avoiding unnecessary commas before coordinated verbs.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.