Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals?
Sample Response
It is true that by the development of technology, preservation of citizens’ information has thoroughly changed. While organisations had to spend tremendous money to gather and save data, now accessing such volume of mass information has become far easier. I personally think that despite having some serious consequences of this method, the benefits surpass their drawbacks.
To begin with, several disadvantages have caused people’s information to be at more risk. One important disadvantage is that their privacy can be more exposed to hackers. For instance, recently Ashly Maddison website, a popular dating web with over 33 million users, was hacked and loosed its users’ vital information in few seconds. Had not computer been introduced, such accidents could have been avoided. Another negative impact is that they might be misused. Instead of appropriate using of these data, some companies or governmental sectors use them to raise their benefits. In particular, CIA, the US intelligent system, uses the social network, including personal images or profiles, to operate against them.
From my opinion, modernisation has assisted many officials to find people’s information far simpler than in the past. One important advantage is that they can save more money. Obviously, to access citizens’ past history, they had to hire a large number of employees which led them to consume huge budget. As a prime example, to register birth information, the related organisation had to keep people’s files on large spaces, and thousands of personnel were needed to be hired to be able to find persons’ files. However, now in few seconds, the necessary statistics can be found and few employees are needed to be employed and paid than before. Another positive impact is that more secure computerised systems can protect these kinds of important information. Using antivirus or firewalls has levelled security of data, whereas in the past, accessing the papers was far more straightforward.
In conclusion, although digital preservation of individuals’ statics might have some negative consequences, its positive influences should not be forgotten. From my perspective, this technique has led we are able to save time and have a far more secure method for protection of citizens’ data.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong preposition Original: by Suggested revision: with Why it matters: With correctly introduces the change accompanying technological development.
- 2. Match data process Original: preservation of citizens’ information Suggested revision: collection and storage of citizens’ information Why it matters: Collection and storage more accurately describe the process discussed.
- 3. Wrong money collocation Original: spend tremendous money Suggested revision: spend enormous sums of money Why it matters: Sums of money is required after an adjective describing amount.
- 4. Faulty quantity phrase Original: such volume of mass information Suggested revision: such large volumes of information Why it matters: Volumes is countable here and mass is redundant.
- 5. Faulty despite phrase Original: despite having some serious consequences of this method Suggested revision: despite some serious consequences of this method Why it matters: Despite is followed directly by the noun phrase here.
- 6. Pronoun mismatch Original: benefits surpass their drawbacks Suggested revision: benefits outweigh the drawbacks Why it matters: The definite article correctly links drawbacks to the method, while outweigh is the standard comparison.
- 7. Wrong risk phrase Original: more Suggested revision: greater Why it matters: Greater risk is the correct comparative collocation.
- 8. Clarify exposed data Original: privacy can be more exposed Suggested revision: personal data can be more vulnerable Why it matters: Data, rather than privacy itself, is vulnerable to hackers.
- 9. Correct name and article Original: Ashly Maddison website Suggested revision: the Ashley Madison website Why it matters: The proper name is misspelled and the website requires the definite article.
- 10. Use website term Original: web Suggested revision: website Why it matters: Website is the appropriate noun for an online service.
- 11. Wrong past verb Original: loosed its users’ vital information Suggested revision: lost its users’ sensitive information Why it matters: Lost is the past tense of lose, and sensitive accurately describes private data.
- 12. Faulty inversion Original: Had not computer been introduced Suggested revision: Had computers not been introduced Why it matters: Negative conditional inversion places not after the plural subject.
Suggested Rewrites
- by with
- preservation of citizens’ information collection and storage of citizens’ information
- spend tremendous money spend enormous sums of money
- such volume of mass information such large volumes of information
- despite having some serious consequences of this method despite some serious consequences of this method
- benefits surpass their drawbacks benefits outweigh the drawbacks
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response is strongest in its clear, consistent judgement that efficiency, lower administrative costs and stronger digital safeguards can justify computerised collection despite privacy and misuse risks. Its reasoning is sometimes internally inconsistent and does not define the safeguards needed to protect individual rights, while frequent word-choice errors reduce precision. Prioritise a conditional justification: explain that collection is acceptable only with consent, restricted access, cybersecurity and accountability, then weigh these protections against the stated risks.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and both risks and benefits are developed, but the justification remains broad because the conditions needed to protect individual rights are not explained.
State the legal and technical safeguards under which data collection would be justified and show how they address hacking and organisational misuse.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically from risks to benefits and conclusion, though repetitive topic-sentence patterns and unclear pronoun references occasionally weaken cohesion.
Use more specific links between the privacy risks and proposed security benefits, and replace ambiguous pronouns such as 'they' with 'the data' or 'organisations'.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a broad topic-specific range, but recurring misselection and word-form errors reduce precision despite generally clear meaning.
Replace errors such as 'loosed', 'intelligent system' and 'individuals' statics' with 'lost', 'intelligence agency' and 'individuals' data'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is used, but article, comparison, passive and complement errors recur throughout the response.
Review forms such as 'a computer', 'fewer employees than before' and 'has enabled us to save time', and avoid compressing several comparisons into one sentence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.