Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals?

Sample Response

1

It is true that withby the development of technology, collection and storage of citizens’ informationpreservation of citizens’ information has thoroughly changed. While organisations had to spend enormous sums of moneyspend tremendous money to gather and save data, now accessing such large volumes of informationsuch volume of mass information has become far easier. I personally think that despite some serious consequences of this methoddespite having some serious consequences of this method, the benefits outweigh the drawbacksbenefits surpass their drawbacks.

2

To begin with, several disadvantages have caused people’s information to be at greatermore risk. One important disadvantage is that their personal data can be more vulnerableprivacy can be more exposed to hackers. For instance, recently the Ashley Madison websiteAshly Maddison website, a popular dating websiteweb with over 33 million users, was hacked and lost its users’ sensitive informationloosed its users’ vital information in few seconds. Had computers not been introducedHad not computer been introduced, such accidents could have been avoided. Another negative impact is that the data might be misusedthey might be misused. Instead of using these data appropriatelyappropriate using of these data, some companies or government agenciesgovernmental sectors use them to increase their profitsraise their benefits. In particular, CIA, the US intelligence agencyUS intelligent system, uses social networksthe social network, including personal images or profiles, to act against individualsoperate against them.

3

From my opinion, modernisation has assisted many officials to find people’s information far simpler than in the past. One important advantage is that they can save more money. Obviously, to access citizens’ past history, they had to hire a large number of employees which led them to consume huge budget. As a prime example, to register birth information, the related organisation had to keep people’s files on large spaces, and thousands of personnel were needed to be hired to be able to find persons’ files. However, now in few seconds, the necessary statistics can be found and few employees are needed to be employed and paid than before. Another positive impact is that more secure computerised systems can protect these kinds of important information. Using antivirus or firewalls has levelled security of data, whereas in the past, accessing the papers was far more straightforward.

4

In conclusion, although digital preservation of individuals’ statics might have some negative consequences, its positive influences should not be forgotten. From my perspective, this technique has led we are able to save time and have a far more secure method for protection of citizens’ data.

Overall assessment

Why this response received Band 6.5

The response is strongest in its clear, consistent judgement that efficiency, lower administrative costs and stronger digital safeguards can justify computerised collection despite privacy and misuse risks. Its reasoning is sometimes internally inconsistent and does not define the safeguards needed to protect individual rights, while frequent word-choice errors reduce precision. Prioritise a conditional justification: explain that collection is acceptable only with consent, restricted access, cybersecurity and accountability, then weigh these protections against the stated risks.

Band score breakdown

IELTS Writing Criteria Scores

TR

Task Response

7.0
Scoring rule

A clear position is maintained and both risks and benefits are developed, but the justification remains broad because the conditions needed to protect individual rights are not explained.

Next step

State the legal and technical safeguards under which data collection would be justified and show how they address hacking and organisational misuse.

CC

Coherence and Cohesion

6.5
Scoring rule

The essay progresses logically from risks to benefits and conclusion, though repetitive topic-sentence patterns and unclear pronoun references occasionally weaken cohesion.

Next step

Use more specific links between the privacy risks and proposed security benefits, and replace ambiguous pronouns such as 'they' with 'the data' or 'organisations'.

LR

Lexical Resource

6.0
Scoring rule

The response uses a broad topic-specific range, but recurring misselection and word-form errors reduce precision despite generally clear meaning.

Next step

Replace errors such as 'loosed', 'intelligent system' and 'individuals' statics' with 'lost', 'intelligence agency' and 'individuals' data'.

GRA

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

6.0
Scoring rule

A mix of simple and complex structures is used, but article, comparison, passive and complement errors recur throughout the response.

Next step

Review forms such as 'a computer', 'fewer employees than before' and 'has enabled us to save time', and avoid compressing several comparisons into one sentence.

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IELTS Writing Task 2

Can computerised data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals?

Your response

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40:00

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