Many people now have personal computers, and the use of electronic services such as the internet is becoming more widespread. Some parents are concerned about children using the internet to gamble or buy goods on credit. How can access to electronic services be controlled?
Sample Response
Use of electronic services has substantially increased with the advancement of technology over the last few years. Nowadays, a great number of children have become addicted to computers, tablets and the internet, and these technologies have become a mandatory constituent of their daily routine. This is an alarming situation for parents because the internet could lead to severe problems such as gambling and uncontrolled shopping by using credit cards. This could be minimised by adapting various precautionary measures such as monitoring children activities, discouraging use of electronic items and developing their aptitude towards creative activities. Firstly, parents can play a pivotal role in this regard, they should indulge their children in pragmatic activities, and for instance, debating is an activity which could leave an undeniable impression on children minds. Furthermore, sports have a significant impact on children physical and psychological health. It will provide them an opportunity to learn teamwork, handling pressure and others traits that are essential for their coming lives. Secondly, there should be attempts by the parents to create awareness about the dire consequence of bad usage of the technology. Proper guidance and support would definitely help children to identify the positive use of technology. In addition to this, parents should encourage their children towards educational activities and realise them about the numerous benefits of it in their future lives. To sum up, I would like to say that parents’ attentions and guidance can dramatically help children in availing the true benefits of technology. Moulding their attitude towards creative and dynamic work will surely mitigate the use of electronic items from their lives.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add the article Original: Use of electronic services Suggested revision: The use of electronic services Why it matters: The definite article is needed when referring generally to the established use of these services.
- 2. Use a natural phrase Original: shopping by using credit cards Suggested revision: shopping with credit cards Why it matters: 'With credit cards' expresses the payment method more naturally and concisely.
- 3. Use the correct verb Original: adapting various precautionary measures Suggested revision: adopting various precautionary measures Why it matters: 'Adopting' means putting measures into practice, while 'adapting' means modifying them.
- 4. Add the possessive Original: monitoring children activities Suggested revision: monitoring children's activities Why it matters: The activities belong to the children, so the plural possessive is required.
- 5. Add the article Original: discouraging use of electronic items Suggested revision: discouraging the use of electronic items Why it matters: The definite article is needed before the specified noun phrase.
- 6. Fix the comma splice Original: in this regard, they should Suggested revision: in this regard; they should Why it matters: A semicolon is needed between these two independent clauses.
- 7. Use the correct verb Original: indulge their children in Suggested revision: engage their children in Why it matters: 'Engage' means involve children in an activity, whereas 'indulge' does not fit this structure.
- 8. Add the possessive Original: children minds Suggested revision: children's minds Why it matters: The irregular plural noun forms its possessive with apostrophe-s.
- 9. Add the possessive Original: children physical and psychological health Suggested revision: children's physical and psychological health Why it matters: The health belongs to the children, so the possessive form is required.
- 10. Correct the determiner Original: others traits Suggested revision: other traits Why it matters: 'Other' modifies a plural noun directly; 'others' is a pronoun.
- 11. Use the plural noun Original: dire consequence Suggested revision: dire consequences Why it matters: The general reference to several harmful outcomes requires the plural form.
- 12. Use concise wording Original: bad usage of the technology Suggested revision: misuse of technology Why it matters: 'Misuse of technology' is the standard expression for harmful or inappropriate use.
Suggested Rewrites
- Use of electronic services The use of electronic services
- shopping by using credit cards shopping with credit cards
- adapting various precautionary measures adopting various precautionary measures
- monitoring children activities monitoring children's activities
- discouraging use of electronic items discouraging the use of electronic items
- in this regard, they should in this regard; they should
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response maintains a clear concern about children's internet use and offers relevant parental guidance, supported by some explanation of alternative activities. However, it only partially addresses how access itself can be controlled: monitoring is mentioned but not developed, while much of the discussion shifts to general lifestyle advice. The highest-priority improvement is to explain concrete controls such as supervision, filters, account restrictions, or payment safeguards and organise them in distinct paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response offers relevant parental guidance but only partially answers the specific question of controlling access to electronic services.
Develop concrete access-control measures and explain how each prevents gambling or unauthorised credit purchases.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main line of thought is identifiable, but the single dense paragraph and loosely connected examples weaken progression.
Separate the introduction, individual control measures, and conclusion into paragraphs with one clear purpose each.
Lexical Resource
There is a reasonable range of vocabulary, although frequent collocation and word-form problems reduce precision.
Replace unnatural phrases such as children minds, realise them, and availing the benefits with accurate forms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses both simple and complex structures, but frequent errors in possession, agreement, articles, and sentence boundaries reduce control.
Correct possessive forms and split comma-spliced clauses before refining more complex sentence patterns.