More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole? Use relevant examples to support your view.
Sample Response
Nowadays, people are working harder than ever and have longer working hours. This kind of living has negatively affected their family and social life. There are several factors that cause the situation and the following essay will discuss them in details. For a number of reasons, people in general work harder these days, as it can be seen from their long working hours. Firstly, it is due to the tough working competition these days. For a single job position, hundreds of people are competing and the private organisations are firing employees due to performance issue all the time. Further, as business has become more competitive, many companies have set a bigger target, a tighter budget and stricter deadlines. Consequently, the work volume has become higher and employees need to spend more time for completing their works. Secondly, it is believed that we are living in the materialistic and hedonic world nowadays. People are respected based on their assets, position and power and therefore a lot of people chose to focus on their career and work overtime. As people choose to spend more hours in their workplace, it has negatively affected their family and social life. One of the cases is that many parents abandon their children as they are busy working. Some of the children feel ignored by their parents and this has a serious psychological effect, while other children become addicted to video games or even drugs. In another case, it is reported that long working hours have affected to the divorce rate. Many young couples chose to focus on their careers and have less time for their spouse. As a result, both of them lack the proper communication and relationship which are crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. Furthermore, the family tie is not as strong as it used to be and this is a serious issue that our society is facing these days. People have a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diets due to their busy corporate life. They have little time for exercise or outdoor activities and this is degrading the overall health of people. In conclusion, it is true that people have become more ambitious with their careers these days, as they spend longer hours at work. On the one hand, I could understand the situation as business competition has become tighter and some people want to maintain their lifestyle. However, many people do not realise that it has some negative effects on their family and social life. Many of their children have become depressed and the divorce rate has increased rapidly in the past few years. Therefore I personally believe that we should have a balanced life between works and family.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fixed phrase Original: in details Suggested revision: in detail Why it matters: The fixed phrase is singular.
- 2. Unnecessary pronoun Original: as it can be seen Suggested revision: as can be seen Why it matters: Remove “it”.
- 3. Collocation Original: tough working competition Suggested revision: intense job competition Why it matters: This is more natural.
- 4. Plural noun Original: due to performance issue Suggested revision: due to performance issues Why it matters: Use plural for general problems.
- 5. Business phrase Original: a bigger target Suggested revision: higher targets Why it matters: This is the usual collocation.
- 6. Uncountable noun Original: completing their works Suggested revision: completing their work Why it matters: “Work” is uncountable here.
- 7. Article and word form Original: the materialistic and hedonic world Suggested revision: a materialistic and hedonistic world Why it matters: Use “a” and the adjective “hedonistic”.
- 8. Tense error Original: people chose to focus Suggested revision: people choose to focus Why it matters: Use present tense for a current general trend.
- 9. Verb pattern Original: have affected to the divorce rate Suggested revision: have affected the divorce rate Why it matters: “Affect” does not take “to”.
- 10. Unnatural phrase Original: lack the proper communication and relationship Suggested revision: lack proper communication and emotional connection Why it matters: This states the relationship problem more clearly.
- 11. Plural collocation Original: the family tie Suggested revision: family ties Why it matters: Use the common plural expression.
- 12. Noun form Original: balanced life between works and family Suggested revision: balanced life between work and family Why it matters: Use uncountable “work”.
Suggested Rewrites
- in details in detail
- as it can be seen as can be seen
- tough working competition intense job competition
- due to performance issue due to performance issues
- a bigger target higher targets
- completing their works completing their work
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers the causes and effects parts with relevant ideas, but some examples are general and the response could be more concise.
Develop fewer examples more deeply and separate family effects from wider social effects.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence from causes to effects is clear, but the essay is one long paragraph with overloaded sentences.
Add visible paragraph breaks and topic sentences for causes, family effects, social effects, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate and sometimes precise, but there are awkward collocations and repeated work-family phrases.
Use collocations such as job insecurity, heavy workload, family bonds, and work-life balance.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is mostly understandable, but articles, plural forms, prepositions, and tense choices cause repeated errors.
Edit noun form and preposition accuracy, especially after affect and due to.