In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
The present generation is steering towards an unhealthy lifestyle resulting in obesity. This is at an alarming rate in some countries and is spreading wider across the globe. While overweight poses a threat to health and fitness of the current generation, also passing the risk to the future generation as well. There are several factors for this issue and this essay will shed light on a couple of them with possible solutions. Firstly, the technological advancement is to be blamed. The growing number of computer-based jobs have restricted employees to minimal physical activities, and the introduction of intra-office messaging has further reduced the need for people to move around. For instance, in most software companies, the culture of messaging to colleagues who are in the adjacent cubicles is increasing. The solutions will be to encourage the employees to have intermittent breaks with simple stretching exercises. Also, they could be encouraged to have more face-to-face communication, thereby, not just achieving a physical activity, but also workplace integration. Another important factor is the growing fast food consumption. Marketed as quick-to-prepare, these processed foods have several ingredients, which possibly remain the major reason for obesity. For example, fast food chain like KFC and Mc Donald's are known to serve burger and chicken with a greater amount of calories, which may not be required for a single meal. The solution is with the government to educate people about the health hazards so that people learn to avoid processed food. Also, the government could enforce the companies to manufacture much healthier food thereby contributing to a healthier society. To conclude, both the people and government should work together to address the issue on the obesity. It will not just reduce their weight, but also an increased life with a greater health and fitness.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural verb Original: steering towards Suggested revision: adopting Why it matters: People adopt a lifestyle.
- 2. Noun form Original: While overweight poses Suggested revision: Excess weight poses Why it matters: Overweight is usually adjectival.
- 3. Fragment Original: also passing the risk Suggested revision: and may also pass health risks Why it matters: The clause needs a finite verb.
- 4. Article use Original: technological advancement is Suggested revision: technological advances are Why it matters: The plural generalisation is natural.
- 5. Agreement Original: jobs have restricted Suggested revision: jobs has restricted Why it matters: The head noun 'number' is singular.
- 6. Countability Original: minimal physical activities Suggested revision: minimal physical activity Why it matters: Activity is uncountable here.
- 7. Concise phrase Original: culture of messaging Suggested revision: practice of messaging Why it matters: This describes a workplace habit.
- 8. Number Original: The solutions will be Suggested revision: One solution would be Why it matters: Only one measure follows.
- 9. Wrong collocation Original: achieving a physical activity Suggested revision: increasing physical activity Why it matters: Activity is increased, not achieved.
- 10. Hyphenation Original: growing fast food consumption Suggested revision: growing consumption of fast food Why it matters: This is clearer.
- 11. Plural agreement Original: fast food chain like Suggested revision: fast-food chains such as Why it matters: The examples are plural.
- 12. Count noun Original: serve burger and chicken Suggested revision: serve burgers and fried chicken Why it matters: Burger requires a plural or article.
Suggested Rewrites
- steering towards adopting
- While overweight poses Excess weight poses
- also passing the risk and may also pass health risks
- technological advancement is technological advances are
- jobs have restricted jobs has restricted
- minimal physical activities minimal physical activity
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response addresses both causes and solutions with a clear cause–measure structure and relevant examples from sedentary work and fast-food consumption. The main weaknesses are imprecise causal claims, awkward phrasing, and frequent grammar errors that reduce authority, especially in the introduction and conclusion. Develop each solution's practical mechanism and edit carefully for agreement, articles, countability, and natural academic collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Two relevant causes and matching measures are explained, though several claims are oversimplified.
Explain how workplace policies and food regulation would change behaviour and outcomes.
Coherence and Cohesion
The paired cause-solution organisation is clear and progression is easy to follow.
Reduce mechanical signposting and improve sentence-level links.
Lexical Resource
Topic vocabulary is sufficient, but many collocations are unnatural or imprecise.
Use sedentary work, calorie-dense food, require manufacturers, and life expectancy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of forms is attempted, but fragments, agreement, articles, and count nouns are often faulty.
Proofread each subject-verb pair and complete every dependent clause.