Should people be allowed to have cosmetic surgery before the age of 18?
Sample Response
With the application of science and technology in medicine, people, especially youngsters, are becoming more aware of cosmetic surgery. According to a recent survey, nearly half of teenagers from 11 to 18 years old said they wanted surgery in pursuit of a "designer" like their idols and celebrities. However, having cosmetic surgery before turning eighteen is still illegal in most countries. There are pros and cons in doing this. There are two main reasons why youngsters want to go through cosmetic surgery. Firstly, the surgery will theoretically make them more beautiful. Usually, a teen wishes to use the surgery to correct poorly proportioned parts of their including a mis-shapen nose, protruding ears, overly large breasts, asymmetrical breasts, or severe acne and scarring. After their physical characteristics have been corrected, they should look prettier and more attractive. Secondly, having cosmetic surgery is a way to gain self-esteem. Because their physical problems have been solved, they no longer feel awkward about their appearances. Therefore, they frequently gain more confidence in themselves. For example, Caitlin Clemons, an American teenager, who used to have low self-esteem because of her, was reported to gain confidence after her breast augmentation surgery. On the other hand, having cosmetic surgery before 18 also has some drawbacks. Firstly, it increases the risk of being affected by side effects from these surgeries. Because teenagers' bodies have not yet matured to their final shape, going under the knife for plastic surgery could cause some dangers. For instance, when going under cosmetic surgery, there is a chance that you could have a reaction against anesthesia used in the operations, which can be deadly. Furthermore, cosmetic surgery is likely to make patients get scars, which cannot be corrected. Secondly, allowing teenagers to go through plastic surgery may make them overestimate physical appearances over inner characteristics. Gradually, they may not treasure their personalities but try as hard as possible to enhance their looks. In, having cosmetic surgery before turning eighteen has both advantages and disadvantages. It could help you become more beautiful, but at the same time, make you become a surgery disaster, if the surgery does not succeed. As a teenager, trying to enhance our is necessary, but we should also try to improve our personality.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Complete the noun phrase Original: a "designer" like their idols Suggested revision: a "designer" look like that of their idols Why it matters: Designer needs a noun here, and the comparison must be between appearances rather than a person and idols.
- 2. Use natural preposition Original: pros and cons in doing this Suggested revision: pros and cons to this Why it matters: Pros and cons to this is the more natural expression for advantages and disadvantages of a policy.
- 3. Use precise verb Original: youngsters want to go through cosmetic surgery Suggested revision: youngsters want to undergo cosmetic surgery Why it matters: Undergo is the standard verb used with a surgical procedure.
- 4. Restore missing noun Original: parts of their including Suggested revision: parts of their bodies, including Why it matters: The possessive determiner their needs the noun bodies, followed by a comma before the examples.
- 5. Correct spelling Original: mis-shapen Suggested revision: misshapen Why it matters: Misshapen is written as one word without a hyphen.
- 6. Use natural expression Original: feel awkward about their appearances Suggested revision: feel self-conscious about their appearance Why it matters: Self-conscious about their appearance more precisely expresses discomfort with how they look.
- 7. Avoid redundant phrasing Original: gain more confidence in themselves Suggested revision: become more self-confident Why it matters: The revision conveys the same idea more concisely without the redundant in themselves.
- 8. Remove relative-clause comma Original: an American teenager, who Suggested revision: an American teenager who Why it matters: The defining relative clause should not be separated from its antecedent by a comma.
- 9. Restore missing object Original: because of her, was reported Suggested revision: because of her appearance, was reported Why it matters: Because of requires a noun phrase stating what caused the low self-esteem.
- 10. Use concise risk phrase Original: risk of being affected by side effects from these surgeries Suggested revision: risk of experiencing side effects from such surgery Why it matters: Experience side effects is the natural collocation and avoids the repetition of affected and effects.
- 11. Use accurate collocation Original: could cause some dangers Suggested revision: could pose serious risks Why it matters: Procedures pose risks rather than cause dangers.
- 12. Use correct procedure verb Original: when going under cosmetic surgery Suggested revision: when undergoing cosmetic surgery Why it matters: Undergoing is the standard verb for receiving surgery.
Suggested Rewrites
- a "designer" like their idols a "designer" look like that of their idols
- pros and cons in doing this pros and cons to this
- youngsters want to go through cosmetic surgery youngsters want to undergo cosmetic surgery
- parts of their including parts of their bodies, including
- mis-shapen misshapen
- feel awkward about their appearances feel self-conscious about their appearance
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response offers a relevant, logically sequenced account of potential benefits and risks, supported by several concrete examples. Its central weakness is that it never clearly decides whether people under eighteen should be allowed cosmetic surgery, while frequent missing words and awkward constructions sometimes interrupt meaning. The highest-priority improvement is to state an unambiguous position and use it to control the selection and conclusion of the arguments.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Relevant advantages and disadvantages are developed, but the response does not give a clear answer to whether surgery should be permitted.
State a definite position in the introduction and reaffirm it in the conclusion after weighing the risks and benefits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence from benefits to drawbacks is understandable, but the single-block presentation and mechanical signposting weaken organisation.
Divide the response into purposeful paragraphs and use topic sentences to show how each section supports the stated position.
Lexical Resource
The response uses sufficient topic vocabulary, but inaccurate word choices and incomplete phrases repeatedly reduce precision.
Choose precise, natural expressions for appearance, medical risks, and personal qualities, and proofread for omitted nouns.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is an attempt to use varied complex sentences, but frequent errors in sentence completion, pronouns, articles, and prepositions affect clarity.
Prioritise complete clause structures and consistent pronoun reference before adding further grammatical complexity.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Should people be allowed to have cosmetic surgery before the age of 18?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.