People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
Sample Response
Each person holds a different view on how an ideal society should be. In my opinion, an ideal society is the society where everyone who lives in it behaves with pure altruism. To achieve such a thing, we have to pay more attention to the education that young children receive both at home and at school.
We are facing many crises, be it severe environmental degradation and widespread poverty, and unfortunately most of them arise due to our selfishness. When we truly care about the livelihood of our future generation, there will be less damage done to the environment to justify economic progress. Or when we are aware of the suffering of those who are living in poor, unsanitary conditions on our doorstep and genuinely want to offer help, there will be more charity and less poverty. We can deal with our own problems and build an ideal society if our actions are driven by pure altruism.
It is, in fact, extremely difficult, if not impossible, to create a society where everyone behaves with true selflessness. However, we can make a paradigm change to our today’s society through innovating children’s early education. A sense of altruism emerges during childhood and can be developed through years of schooling. Parents can nurture altruism in their children at an early age by educating them about sharing and giving. This may greatly affect the trajectory of a child’s personality development which can later be reinforced by education at school. As a result, that child is likely to become an altruistic individual when he reaches adulthood.
In conclusion, I believe the most important element of an ideal society is altruism and we have to focus on nurturing our children’s altruistic behavior from an early age if we wish to build such society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Improve the relative structure Original: the society where Suggested revision: a society in which Why it matters: In which is a more precise relative structure for referring to a society.
- 2. Use a clearer reference Original: such a thing Suggested revision: this Why it matters: This refers more directly and concisely to the ideal society just defined.
- 3. Use the general plural Original: generation Suggested revision: generations Why it matters: The claim concerns people across generations rather than one specific generation.
- 4. Clarify the relationship Original: damage done to the environment to justify economic progress Suggested revision: environmental damage caused in pursuit of economic progress Why it matters: The revision makes the relationship between damage and economic progress clearer.
- 5. Strengthen the transition Original: Or when Suggested revision: Similarly, when Why it matters: Similarly connects this second example more clearly to the preceding one.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: make a paradigm change to our today’s society Suggested revision: bring about a paradigm shift in today's society Why it matters: Bring about a paradigm shift is the natural collocation, and today's correctly modifies society.
- 7. Use natural phrasing Original: through innovating children’s early education Suggested revision: by improving early childhood education Why it matters: The revision expresses the method with a natural preposition and established term.
- 8. Improve the time phrase Original: through Suggested revision: over Why it matters: Over more naturally describes development occurring throughout a period.
- 9. Set off the clause Original: personality development which Suggested revision: personality development, which Why it matters: The comma marks the following clause as additional information about the preceding development.
- 10. Add the article Original: such society Suggested revision: such a society Why it matters: A singular countable noun after such requires an article.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: We are facing many crises, be it severe environmental degradation and widespread poverty, and unfortunately most of them arise due to our selfishness. Suggested revision: We are facing many crises, including severe environmental degradation and widespread poverty, and unfortunately many of them arise from our selfishness. Why it matters: The rewrite corrects the faulty example structure while preserving the stated cause.
Suggested Rewrites
- the society where a society in which
- such a thing this
- generation generations
- damage done to the environment to justify economic progress environmental damage caused in pursuit of economic progress
- Or when Similarly, when
- make a paradigm change to our today’s society bring about a paradigm shift in today's society
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, thoughtful definition of an ideal society and develops a coherent route toward it through childhood education. Its main limitation is occasional awkward phrasing and a somewhat narrow reliance on altruism as the single mechanism for social improvement. The best refinement is to add a little more practical detail about how schools or public policy could turn the proposed educational approach into sustained social change.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered directly through a clear definition of an ideal society and a well-developed educational approach to creating it.
Strengthen the proposal further with one concrete example of how altruism could be embedded in schooling or public policy.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from the social ideal to its benefits and then to a practical means of fostering it, with effective paragraphing and cohesion.
Refine a few transitions so every example is integrated smoothly rather than introduced through a slightly abrupt sentence opening.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, especially in the discussion of altruism, social problems, and childhood development, despite occasional awkward collocations.
Replace unnatural phrases such as make a paradigm change and innovating education with more idiomatic academic wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with only minor article, preposition, and phrasing errors that do not impede communication.
Polish the remaining article and preposition choices, particularly in phrases such as living in poor conditions and build such a society.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.