History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen.
Sample Response
It is true that studying the past can help us to know more about how nations had been successful in making a perfect community. Although many options can be considered for having an ideal society, I personally believe that having appropriate leaders and equal usage of resources are two important factors.
To begin with, in the past, people had numerous challenges to make their country a safer place for living. In many countries, democracy had been the best type of living condition, and voting was the best device for achieving it. However, unfortunately, frauds prohibited them from becoming prosperous in this matter. As a prime example, Iranians participated many times in the national presidential elections to opt their favourable president, but their votes were not counted. Another factor is war. Unpredictably, nations faced sudden battles, affecting their lifestyles. They tried to raise their standard of living by the construction of more industries, schools, houses, and roads, while war destroyed them. In particular, whereas industrialisation had raised the Europeans’ lifestyles, they faced World War II, which demolished their country and millions of lives.
From my perspective, for having a perfect community two important factors should not be forgotten. One is the selection of an appropriate leader. Definitely, without having a powerful leadership, nations cannot succeed in critical situations. For instance, a good leader can save thousands of people’s lives during a natural calamity by sending sufficient information to national organisations. Had the government of Nepal had a far more efficient governor, fewer people were died by the Earthquake occurred recently. In addition, socialism is extremely important. All resources should be under control of the community, and citizens, from different social status, must have equal access to all resources, including healthcare, shelter, food, and job.
In conclusion, wars and political corruptions are two leading reasons that caused societies to become less prosperous in their way to make a perfect society. I personally think that leadership and having a standard social system can assist communities to overcome their difficulties and make their country a better place for living.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise verb Original: help us to know more about Suggested revision: help us understand Why it matters: Understand expresses the intended learning more directly.
- 2. Use correct tense Original: had Suggested revision: have Why it matters: The present perfect links past examples to the current discussion without requiring an earlier past reference point.
- 3. Express purpose correctly Original: for having an ideal society Suggested revision: to create an ideal society Why it matters: The infinitive naturally expresses the intended goal.
- 4. Clarify resource principle Original: equal usage of resources Suggested revision: equal access to resources Why it matters: Access, rather than usage, describes whether resources are available to everyone.
- 5. Correct preposition Original: numerous challenges to make Suggested revision: numerous challenges in making Why it matters: Challenges in doing something is the required construction.
- 6. Use infinitive phrase Original: a safer place for living Suggested revision: a safer place to live Why it matters: Place to live is the natural construction.
- 7. Name concept accurately Original: best type of living condition Suggested revision: best form of government Why it matters: Democracy is a form of government, not a living condition.
- 8. Use abstract means Original: best device for achieving it Suggested revision: best means of achieving it Why it matters: Means is appropriate for a method, whereas device usually refers to a physical object.
- 9. Remove duplicate transition Original: However, unfortunately Suggested revision: However Why it matters: Both words signal an adverse turn, so using both is redundant.
- 10. Place adverbial naturally Original: participated many times in the national presidential elections Suggested revision: participated in national presidential elections many times Why it matters: The preposition should follow participated directly, and the generic election phrase does not need the.
- 11. Use correct verb Original: to opt their favourable president Suggested revision: to choose their preferred president Why it matters: Choose takes a direct object, while opt requires for.
- 12. Use event adverb Original: Unpredictably Suggested revision: Unexpectedly Why it matters: Unexpectedly describes a surprising event; unpredictably describes an inconsistent manner.
Suggested Rewrites
- help us to know more about help us understand
- had have
- for having an ideal society to create an ideal society
- equal usage of resources equal access to resources
- numerous challenges to make numerous challenges in making
- a safer place for living a safer place to live
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay offers a coherent account of why ideal societies fail and proposes leadership and equal access to resources as solutions, using historical and contemporary examples. Its main limitation is that several claims are sweeping or factually unsupported, and awkward language sometimes obscures the causal reasoning. The priority is to define the features of an ideal society clearly and connect each proposed solution to a specific obstacle with credible support.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response remains relevant by identifying political corruption and war as obstacles and proposing leadership and resource equality, but its definition and supporting examples are uneven.
Define an ideal society through specific outcomes such as safety, fair institutions, and basic services, then link each solution directly to one outcome.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from historical barriers to proposed solutions with clear paragraphing, although the two broad solutions in the third paragraph are not equally developed.
Separate effective leadership and equitable resource access into distinct development units with one example and causal explanation for each.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient for politics, conflict, and social welfare, but awkward choices such as 'living condition,' 'voting device,' and 'demolished lives' reduce accuracy.
Use precise terms such as 'system of government,' 'electoral process,' 'destroyed infrastructure,' and 'caused millions of deaths.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex forms are attempted and meaning is generally clear, but tense selection, articles, agreement, plurals, and the past counterfactual contain recurring errors.
Use the counterfactual accurately, for example 'Had Nepal had more effective leadership, fewer people might have died in the earthquake.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.