It is often said that crime is one of the main things that make the quality of life poorer. Crime in developed countries is one of the biggest problems in society. What are the causes of this problem and what measures can be taken to reduce it?
Sample Response
We all dream of a peaceful and happy life but often the life is disturbed by the crime and criminals. As a result, the quality of life becomes poorer. It is more prevalent in the developed countries. There are several causes that lead to the problem and those are described in the following paragraphs in brief. Lack of childhood parental care is one of the leading issues for crime in the developed countries,- believe many social activists. Kids exercise violence from their high schools and it happens as they lack the right guidance and parental care. Since they are not taken care by parents, they commit different sorts of crime and there are lots of examples in Europe and the USA where the young people have been found guilty in different crime situations – even in murder. Secondly, I believe, insecurity and discrimination lead people to break the law. When they cannot get their rights as they were supposed to be, they try taking control of the rights themselves which consequently leads to criminal activities. A kid of a single mother or single father family is more prone to commit crimes and a 1983 study reveals that 60% of child abuse occurred in such conditions by the mother or the father which lead to a behavioural disorder among them and inspire in violating the law. So, solving the issue appears really daunting as the problem did not grow overnight. The corrective measures should come first from the family. When a child will know about its social responsibilities and how things work, it will behave in order. The parents, teachers and other relatives have to take responsibility for children to make them better citizens. The government must make sure that the citizens have the access to proper education and other human rights. A combination effort of both people and the government is required to tackle the crime. In summary, a sense of security should be developed among adult people feeling threatened by the society and thus they could be prevented from being outlaws. I think some motivational attempts from government may be helpful in this case in line with the parental care.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove article Original: often the life Suggested revision: life is often Why it matters: Life is general here and the adverb belongs before disturbed.
- 2. Uncountable noun Original: by the crime and criminals Suggested revision: by crime and criminals Why it matters: Crime is general.
- 3. Collocation Original: Kids exercise violence Suggested revision: Young people engage in violence Why it matters: Exercise does not collocate with violence.
- 4. Passive phrase Original: not taken care by parents Suggested revision: not cared for by their parents Why it matters: Care for is the required phrasal verb.
- 5. Precise noun Original: different crime situations Suggested revision: different criminal offences Why it matters: This is more exact.
- 6. Natural verb Original: When they cannot get their rights Suggested revision: When their rights are denied Why it matters: This expresses discrimination precisely.
- 7. Neutral term Original: single mother or single father family Suggested revision: single-parent family Why it matters: This is concise and neutral.
- 8. Agreement Original: which lead to Suggested revision: which leads to Why it matters: The preceding study finding is singular.
- 9. Verb pattern Original: inspire in violating Suggested revision: encourages them to violate Why it matters: The original construction is incorrect.
- 10. First conditional Original: When a child will know Suggested revision: When a child knows Why it matters: Use present simple in the time clause.
- 11. Remove article Original: have the access Suggested revision: have access Why it matters: Access takes no article here.
- 12. Word form Original: A combination effort Suggested revision: A combined effort Why it matters: An adjective is required.
Suggested Rewrites
- often the life life is often
- by the crime and criminals by crime and criminals
- Kids exercise violence Young people engage in violence
- not taken care by parents not cared for by their parents
- different crime situations different criminal offences
- When they cannot get their rights When their rights are denied
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response addresses both causes and measures and maintains a relevant focus on parental care, insecurity, education and shared responsibility. Its main limitations are uneven development, an unsupported and confusing statistic, and frequent grammar and collocation errors that weaken authority. Build each cause-and-solution pair with a clear mechanism, avoid unverifiable evidence, and proofread articles, passive forms and conditional clauses.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both parts are answered with relevant ideas, but support is sometimes asserted or unclear.
Link each proposed measure directly to a previously explained cause.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses from causes to solutions, though one-block formatting and long sentences hinder clarity.
Use separate paragraphs for causes, measures and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate crime-related vocabulary, with several unnatural collocations and imprecise terms.
Use commit crime, break the law, parental supervision and social exclusion accurately.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is mostly clear, but articles, passive constructions and agreement errors are frequent.
Use shorter sentences and check passive verb forms.