Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions. Others believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The preservation of cultural traditions is a matter of great importance and has sparked a debate regarding whether the monetization of them leads to their destruction or serves as the only way to safeguard these valuable aspects of heritage. This essay will examine both perspectives and argue in favour of the opinion that cultural traditions may be jeopardized when they are exploited for commercial gain.
On the one hand, proponents of using cultural traditions as money-making attractions argue that this approach provides a viable means to preserve and safeguard these customs in an increasingly globalized and commercialized world. Economic benefits generated from cultural tourism can contribute to the conservation and restoration of cultural sites and artefacts, ensuring their longevity for future generations. For example, entrance fees to historical monuments can fund restoration projects and maintenance, preventing the decay and degradation of these cultural treasures. Moreover, financial support from tourism revenue may enable local communities to invest in educational initiatives and cultural programmes, fostering a sense of pride and awareness about their heritage.
On the other hand, many individuals strongly believe that commercially utilizing cultural traditions puts these cherished practices and customs at risk of losing their authenticity and significance. When cultural elements are commodified for the sake of tourism or entertainment, there is a tendency to modify or sensationalize them to appeal to a broader audience. As a result, the essence and deeper meanings of these traditions may become diluted or distorted, eroding their authenticity and cultural value. For instance, traditional rituals and ceremonies performed as mere spectacles for tourists may lose their spiritual significance, leading to a loss of respect for these once-sacred practices. Moreover, the true traditional aspects of an area may be diluted and contaminated with the presence of tourists from many different areas of the world as they all bring their own traditions and cultural aspects with them.
In my opinion, the commercialisation of traditions indeed put them in danger. So rather than exploiting cultural traditions solely for monetary gain, ensuring their preservation and value should get more priority.
In conclusion, the debate over using cultural traditions as money-making attractions raises valid concerns about the potential erosion of their authenticity. I believe that authorities should make sure that the traditions and cultures of a nation do not diminish for the sake of foreign remittance.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify pronoun reference Original: the monetization of them Suggested revision: their monetization Why it matters: The possessive form refers to cultural traditions more naturally and concisely.
- 2. Remove wordiness Original: argue in favour of the opinion that Suggested revision: argue that Why it matters: The shorter reporting structure expresses the position clearly without redundant wording.
- 3. Avoid redundant verbs Original: preserve and safeguard these customs Suggested revision: preserve these customs Why it matters: Preserve and safeguard overlap in meaning, so one verb is sufficient.
- 4. Balance coordinated nouns Original: restoration projects and maintenance Suggested revision: restoration and maintenance projects Why it matters: This coordination makes it clear that the fees can support both types of project.
- 5. Use parallel prepositions Original: a sense of pride and awareness about their heritage Suggested revision: pride in and awareness of their heritage Why it matters: Each coordinated noun requires its own natural preposition.
- 6. Use natural word order Original: commercially utilizing cultural traditions Suggested revision: using cultural traditions commercially Why it matters: The revised order is more idiomatic and easier to process.
- 7. Fix subject verb agreement Original: put Suggested revision: puts Why it matters: The singular subject commercialisation requires the singular verb puts.
- 8. Correct priority collocation Original: get more priority Suggested revision: be given greater priority Why it matters: Be given greater priority is the natural formal expression.
- 9. Use accurate term Original: foreign remittance Suggested revision: tourism revenue Why it matters: Foreign remittance refers to money sent home from abroad, while the essay is discussing income generated by tourism.
- 10. Use precise reference Original: valuable aspects of heritage Suggested revision: cultural traditions Why it matters: Naming the traditions directly is clearer than the abstract phrase aspects of heritage.
- 11. Clarify revenue source Original: Economic benefits generated from cultural tourism Suggested revision: Revenue generated by cultural tourism Why it matters: Revenue names the financial benefit directly and takes the natural preposition by.
- 12. Remove overlapping nouns Original: decay and degradation Suggested revision: degradation Why it matters: Decay and degradation overlap in meaning here, so one noun conveys the point concisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- the monetization of them their monetization
- argue in favour of the opinion that argue that
- preserve and safeguard these customs preserve these customs
- restoration projects and maintenance restoration and maintenance projects
- a sense of pride and awareness about their heritage pride in and awareness of their heritage
- commercially utilizing cultural traditions using cultural traditions commercially
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response discusses both perspectives clearly, maintains a consistent opinion, and develops the funding and authenticity arguments with relevant examples. Its main limitation is that the claim about tourists contaminating local traditions is vague and insufficiently justified, while the opinion paragraph largely repeats the preceding case. The highest-priority improvement is to replace that weak claim with a precise mechanism or example and develop the proposed preservation approach.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed and the writer's opinion is clear, with good development overall but one vague claim and a briefly stated personal position.
Develop the opinion with a specific preservation model and replace the unsupported contamination claim with a clear causal explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear progression and uses effective paragraphing, although the short opinion paragraph and conclusion partly repeat earlier material.
Integrate the personal evaluation more fully into the discussion and use the conclusion to synthesize rather than restate the main claim.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and appropriately academic, but several expressions, including 'monetization of them', 'get more priority', and 'foreign remittance', lack natural precision.
Choose idiomatic collocations and avoid loaded or vague terms when describing cultural change and tourism revenue.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response demonstrates a broad range of generally accurate complex structures, with occasional agreement and construction errors.
Check subject-verb agreement and clause structure in sentences such as 'the commercialisation of traditions indeed put them in danger'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions. Others believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.