Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it?
Sample Response
The creation of cinema has led it to become one of the major entertainment activities during the 20th century across the globe. However, the current trend indicates that the numbers of people watching films in cinemas have reduced in several nations. This essay will illustrate the causes of this change and will suggest some possible solutions.
It is apparent that work pressure is increasing day by day due to the competitive nature of employees. As people spend more time at their jobs, they have less time for entertainment. For instance, in Asian countries such as India and Singapore, employees work around 10 hours a day as mandated by their employers. In addition to that, they spend 1 to 2 hours on average commuting daily. They hardly get spare time to enjoy watching movies. Thus it is obvious that in some societies, people do not get enough opportunity to enjoy movies. This can be solved by restricting work to a maximum of 8 hours a day. Both the government and the employers should come up with a policy that ensures that the workforce is never exploited.
Another important reason why some citizens lack interest in going to cinemas is due to the movies focus on unimportant issues. For example, currently, most South Asian movies just gravitate towards making revenue and give less importance to storylines or themes. After watching a film, there is nothing worth studying or accepting from it. By analysing how the film industry concentrates on the wrong aspects of movie making, it is clear why youths are definitely distancing themselves from movies and switching to playing video games in some nations. One way to get rid of this problem is to improve on the aspects which people enjoy, such as storylines or themes. As audience interests differ from region to region, it is up to the regional film industry to identify the demand of their area.
As a conclusion, it is apparent that if some measures are taken by governments and industries, cinema attendance can definitely be increased. As a result, the industry can use this as a means of creating social awareness by incorporating important themes in the movies.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use singular number Original: the numbers of people Suggested revision: the number of people Why it matters: Number is singular when it refers to the size of one group.
- 2. Match the subject Original: have reduced Suggested revision: has declined Why it matters: The singular subject number requires has, and decline is intransitive here.
- 3. Use a precise verb Original: illustrate the causes Suggested revision: explain the causes Why it matters: Explain is more precise for discussing reasons in an essay.
- 4. Clarify the source Original: competitive nature of employees Suggested revision: competitive nature of the workplace Why it matters: The workplace, rather than the employees' nature, is described as competitive.
- 5. Tighten the linker Original: In addition to that Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: The shorter linker connects the added commuting time more directly.
- 6. Spell out small numbers Original: 1 to 2 hours Suggested revision: one to two hours Why it matters: Spelling out small numbers is more consistent with formal prose.
- 7. Avoid redundant timing Original: commuting daily Suggested revision: commuting Why it matters: The phrase on average already supplies the relevant frequency context, making daily unnecessary.
- 8. Add linker comma Original: Thus it is obvious Suggested revision: Thus, it is obvious Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory conjunctive adverb.
- 9. Use the plural noun Original: enough opportunity Suggested revision: enough opportunities Why it matters: The general reference to occasions for entertainment requires a plural count noun.
- 10. Generalise consistently Original: the government and the employers Suggested revision: governments and employers Why it matters: Plural generic nouns fit a proposal concerning multiple countries.
- 11. Repair the cause clause Original: is due to the movies focus Suggested revision: is that movies focus Why it matters: The reason why construction takes a clause beginning with that, not is due to.
- 12. Fix revenue collocation Original: making revenue Suggested revision: generating revenue Why it matters: Generate revenue is the standard collocation.
Suggested Rewrites
- the numbers of people the number of people
- have reduced has declined
- illustrate the causes explain the causes
- competitive nature of employees competitive nature of the workplace
- In addition to that In addition
- 1 to 2 hours one to two hours
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay directly covers both causes and solutions, and its paired cause-solution body paragraphs give the discussion a clear, logical shape. The main limitation is that some reasoning is asserted too broadly and several collocations are imprecise, while the conclusion partly shifts toward social awareness rather than synthesising the main proposals. Prioritise sharper causal explanation and a conclusion that accurately consolidates the developed ideas.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both parts of the task are answered with relevant, extended causes and corresponding measures, though some claims are broad and the final social-awareness point is insufficiently developed.
Explain the causal links more critically and make the conclusion summarise the two proposed remedies without introducing a new purpose for cinema.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through two well-organised cause-solution paragraphs, with generally effective referencing and connective language despite some repetition.
Reduce repeated framing such as it is apparent and make the transition from each cause to its proposed solution more concise.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied enough to discuss employment, entertainment, and film production, but several word choices and collocations are awkward or inaccurate.
Refine expressions such as numbers of people have reduced, movies focus, and demand of their area into more natural academic collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex sentence forms is used with generally strong control, and the remaining errors rarely impede meaning.
Proofread possessives, noun forms, and comparative structures to remove local errors such as movies focus and improve sentence precision.