Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures? What measures should be taken to reduce this pressure?
Sample Response
In recent times, children have been experiencing mounting pressure from various aspects of their lives, such as academics, social interactions, and commercialism. In this essay, we will delve into the causes of these pressures and outline some measures that could be taken to alleviate them.
There are several reasons why children are facing an increasing amount of pressure. One of the main causes is the emphasis placed on academic performance. Schools and parents alike put significant pressure on children to excel academically, with the expectation that good grades will lead to better opportunities in the future. In addition, the rise of social media has contributed to the social pressure that children face. Social media platforms have become a primary means of communication among young people, and the constant comparison to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. Finally, commercial pressures, such as advertising, can influence children's purchasing decisions and make them feel like they need to have the latest gadgets or clothing to fit in with their peers.
To reduce these pressures, various measures could be taken. Firstly, schools and parents should place less emphasis on academic performance and more on overall personal development. This would involve encouraging children to develop other skills, such as teamwork and creativity, and providing them with opportunities to explore different areas of interest. Additionally, social media usage should be monitored and limited to avoid overexposure and unhealthy comparisons. Finally, commercial advertising aimed at children should be regulated to ensure that children are not being unduly influenced by commercial interests.
In conclusion, the mounting pressures faced by children in contemporary society can have detrimental effects on their well-being and development. However, by addressing the underlying causes of these pressures and taking steps to alleviate them, we can create a more supportive and nurturing environment for children to grow and thrive in.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: various aspects of their lives Suggested revision: several areas of their lives Why it matters: The revision is more direct while preserving the broad scope.
- 2. Choose precise noun Original: such as academics Suggested revision: such as education Why it matters: 'Education' names the relevant area more naturally than 'academics' here.
- 3. Use neutral register Original: we will delve into Suggested revision: this essay examines Why it matters: The revision uses a more neutral academic formulation.
- 4. Make phrase concise Original: an increasing amount of pressure Suggested revision: increasing pressure Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same meaning without a wordy quantity expression.
- 5. Avoid wordiness Original: One of the main causes Suggested revision: A major cause Why it matters: This concise phrase retains the emphasis on importance.
- 6. Remove unnecessary emphasis Original: Schools and parents alike Suggested revision: Schools and parents Why it matters: 'Alike' adds little because the two actors are already explicitly coordinated.
- 7. Make cause explicit Original: with the expectation that Suggested revision: because they expect that Why it matters: The causal connector makes the relationship to the preceding pressure clearer.
- 8. Avoid repeated wording Original: the social pressure that children face Suggested revision: children's social pressure Why it matters: The possessive form conveys the same meaning more concisely.
- 9. Use concise collocation Original: a primary means of communication among young people Suggested revision: a main communication channel for young people Why it matters: The revision is shorter and retains the original meaning.
- 10. Refine preposition Original: comparison to others Suggested revision: comparison with others Why it matters: 'Comparison with' is the conventional form when examining people side by side.
- 11. Strengthen cause sequence Suggested revision: Keep the academic, social, and commercial causes in a clearly signposted sequence, with each consequence placed immediately after its corresponding cause. Why it matters: This would make the movement across the three pressure sources easier to track.
- 12. Mirror the cause order Suggested revision: Present the school, social-media, and advertising measures in the same explicit order as their corresponding causes in the preceding paragraph. Why it matters: Parallel ordering would make each solution's target immediately clear.
Suggested Rewrites
- various aspects of their lives several areas of their lives
- such as academics such as education
- we will delve into this essay examines
- an increasing amount of pressure increasing pressure
- One of the main causes A major cause
- Schools and parents alike Schools and parents
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response fully addresses both questions by identifying distinct academic, social, and commercial causes and pairing them with practical measures. The argument is clearly organised and expressed with strong control, although some solutions remain general and the repeated vocabulary of pressure and children slightly reduces stylistic flexibility. The highest-priority improvement is to explain how the proposed monitoring and regulation would operate or produce the intended benefits.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response covers the three specified sources of pressure and proposes relevant measures for each, with clear and sufficiently developed explanations.
Develop the implementation of social-media limits and advertising regulation so the proposed measures are as specific as the causes.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear cause-and-solution structure, logical paragraph progression, and cohesive links that make the argument easy to follow.
Create slightly more explicit links between each cause and its corresponding measure to strengthen the problem-solution pairing.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise range of vocabulary describes causes, effects, and remedies naturally, despite some repetition of central terms.
Use selective synonyms or referencing for repeated words such as 'pressure' and 'children' while retaining clarity and precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex and simple sentence forms are varied and consistently well controlled, with only rare minor lapses.
Maintain the same high accuracy while varying clause openings to make the polished sentence patterns feel less formulaic.