In many societies, elderly people often live in retirement homes. This is not appropriate because families should always care for their ageing members.
Sample Response
In many communities, it is common to see that some senior people are placed in retirement facilities. Some people think that this is not a good way to treat elder people, as they believe that elder people should be fully respected and properly treated. I personally agree with the statement, and the following essay will discuss in details about it.
For a number of reasons, many people choose to place their parents in a retirement house. Some people think they are very busy with their careers and they do not have any time in giving attention to their parents. Another group of people see that their house are too small, therefore letting their parents live with them would not be a suitable solution. And then there are others who think that their old parents would be an economic burden for them, therefore they place their parents in the retirement house. However, many people do not realise that a lot of old people who live in the facility feel lonely and desperate, as they think that their families do not love them anymore. And in some cases, their relatives rarely or never visit them.
There are some thinks that people should notice before they place their parents in retirement facilities. Young people must respect and take care of their old parents as parents were the one who raised them. When young people were born, they were weak and helpless, and parents were the one who fed them, comforted them and stayed awake during the night to take care of them. And then when they grew up, parents were the one who gave financial supports for their studies, bought them proper clothing and provided them decent accommodation. It is undeniable that parents play an important role in the success life of many young people, therefore young people should never forget their parents and must take care of their parents properly.
In conclusion, it is a fact that placing old people in retirement houses has become a usual thing these days. However, I disagree with the condition, as I believe that senior people should be respected and loved by their families. There have been so many good and useful things that these senior people have done for their families, therefore their families should take care of them when they are old.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use standard term Original: house Suggested revision: home Why it matters: ‘Retirement home’ is the standard term for this type of facility.
- 2. Correct verb pattern Original: time in giving attention to their parents Suggested revision: time to give attention to their parents Why it matters: ‘Time’ is followed naturally by an infinitive when describing an available opportunity.
- 3. Improve phrasing Original: see that their house Suggested revision: find that their houses Why it matters: ‘Find that’ is more natural here, and the plural agrees with ‘people’.
- 4. Fix comma splice Original: too small, therefore Suggested revision: too small; therefore, Why it matters: A semicolon is needed before the conjunctive adverb joining two independent clauses.
- 5. Streamline transition Original: And then there are others Suggested revision: Others Why it matters: The shorter transition avoids an unnecessarily conversational sentence opening.
- 6. Fix comma splice Original: for them, therefore Suggested revision: for them; therefore, Why it matters: A semicolon and following comma correctly punctuate the conjunctive adverb.
- 7. Use standard term Original: the retirement house Suggested revision: a retirement home Why it matters: ‘Retirement home’ is the conventional expression, and the indefinite article suits the general reference.
- 8. Refine sentence link Original: And in some cases Suggested revision: In some cases Why it matters: Removing ‘And’ produces a more formal and direct transition.
- 9. Use formal wording Original: a lot of old people Suggested revision: many older people Why it matters: ‘Many older people’ is more concise and appropriately formal.
- 10. Correct noun form Original: thinks Suggested revision: things Why it matters: The plural noun ‘things’ is required after ‘some’.
- 11. Fix number agreement Original: as parents were the one who raised them Suggested revision: because their parents were the ones who raised them Why it matters: The plural subject ‘parents’ requires ‘the ones’, and ‘their’ clarifies whose parents are meant.
- 12. Fix number agreement Original: and parents were the one who fed them Suggested revision: and their parents were the ones who fed them Why it matters: The plural noun ‘parents’ requires the plural complement ‘the ones’.
Suggested Rewrites
- house home
- time in giving attention to their parents time to give attention to their parents
- see that their house find that their houses
- too small, therefore too small; therefore,
- And then there are others Others
- for them, therefore for them; therefore,
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear and consistent position and develops a relevant moral case for family care through concrete references to parents' lifelong support. Its effectiveness is limited by repetition, broad generalisations, and recurring grammatical and collocational errors. The highest priority is to organise each body paragraph around one distinct argument and then edit carefully for agreement, noun forms, and natural phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout and the main reasons are relevant and developed, though some support is repetitive and generalised.
Use one specific, well-explained consequence or example for each main reason rather than restating the duty to care for parents.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and overall progression are clear, but repetitive linking and long loosely joined sentences reduce cohesion.
Replace repeated connectors such as therefore and and then with clearer logical transitions and firmer sentence boundaries.
Lexical Resource
The response has adequate topic vocabulary, but repeated wording and inaccurate expressions frequently limit flexibility and precision.
Build accurate alternatives for repeated terms and correct collocations such as elderly people, financial support, and success in life.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The writer uses both simple and complex structures, but frequent agreement, plural, article, and clause-joining errors remain evident.
Focus revision on subject-verb agreement and countable noun forms, then separate comma-spliced clauses into controlled sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many societies, elderly people often live in retirement homes. This is not appropriate because families should always care for their ageing members.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.