Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
When people apply for a job, some employers ask for personal information such as hobbies, interests, and marital status. Some people believe this information is useful for choosing the right employee, while others think it is unnecessary. This essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.
On the one hand, personal information can help employers understand applicants better. For example, hobbies may show a person’s personality and skills. Someone who enjoys team sports may work well with others, while a person who likes reading may have good concentration. In addition, some employers think that married people are more responsible and stable. Therefore, personal information may help companies make a better decision.
On the other hand, many people believe that this information is not related to job performance. The most important factors should be education, work experience, and professional skills. A person’s hobbies or family situation do not always affect how well they can do their job. Moreover, asking about marital status may lead to unfair treatment. For example, some employers may prefer single people because they think they can work longer hours. This is not fair to married applicants.
In my opinion, employers should mainly focus on the abilities and experience of candidates. Some personal information, such as hobbies, can be useful if it is connected to the job. However, information like marital status should not be considered because it may cause discrimination. Every applicant should have the same chance based on their qualifications.
In conclusion, although personal information may help employers understand applicants better, I believe job-related skills and experience are much more important. Employers should avoid using personal information that is not relevant to the job.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. 词汇多样性 Original: some employers ask for personal information Suggested revision: certain recruiters request personal details Why it matters: 避免在开头段完全照抄题目中的原词，使用同义词替换可以展现更好的词汇量。
- 2. 学术表达 Original: This essay will discuss both views and give my opinion. Suggested revision: This essay will examine both perspectives before presenting my own viewpoint. Why it matters: 原句略显模板化，改写后更具学术论文的正式感。
- 3. 词汇升级 Original: understand applicants better Suggested revision: gain deeper insights into applicants' profiles Why it matters: 用 'gain deeper insights into' 代替 'understand better'，表达更加专业、地道。
- 4. 搭配优化 Original: make a better decision Suggested revision: make more informed hiring decisions Why it matters: 在求职背景下，'hiring decisions' 比单纯的 'decision' 更具体、更贴切。
- 5. 词汇升级 Original: not related to Suggested revision: irrelevant to Why it matters: 使用形容词 'irrelevant' 代替短语 'not related'，使语言更精炼。
- 6. 句式与词汇升级 Original: Someone who enjoys team sports may work well with others, while a person who likes reading may have good concentration. Suggested revision: For instance, candidates who engage in team sports often demonstrate strong collaborative skills, whereas those who prefer solitary activities like reading may exhibit high levels of focus. Why it matters: 原句语法正确，但用词较基础（likes, work well with others）。改写后的句子使用了 'collaborative skills' 和 'exhibit high levels of focus'，学术感更强。
- 7. 表达地道性 Original: Every applicant should have the same chance based on their qualifications. Suggested revision: Every applicant deserves an equal opportunity to be assessed solely on their professional qualifications. Why it matters: 使用 'equal opportunity'（平等机会）和 'solely on'（仅仅基于），比 'same chance' 和 'based on' 更符合正式职场讨论的语境。
- 8. 开头段优化 Suggested revision: 开头段结构非常清晰，完美复述了题目。如果能将最后一句的模板化声明（This essay will discuss...）改写为直接表明个人立场的句子，会使文章开篇更有说服力。 Why it matters: 在开头段直接给出倾向性（例如：虽然个人兴趣有一定参考价值，但婚姻状况等隐私不应作为筛选标准），可以使TR得分更稳固。
- 9. 论证深度提升 Suggested revision: 在讨论婚姻状况可能导致不公时，可以进一步指出这可能构成性别歧视（gender discrimination）或违反劳动法规，从而深化论证。 Why it matters: 引入社会或法律层面的概念，能让第二支论点显得更有深度和说服力。
- 10. 任务完成度优秀 Suggested revision: 文章完整地回答了题目中的所有部分，双边讨论充分，个人立场明确且贯穿始终。论证逻辑链条完整，是非常标准的7分作文结构。 Why it matters: 文章在TR维度上表现很好，论点清晰，没有偏题。
- 11. 词汇多样性亟待提升 Suggested revision: 目前最大的提分空间在词汇（LR）。文章中 'personal information', 'employers', 'applicants' 等核心词汇重复率过高。建议平时多积累同义词组，并在写作中刻意进行替换。 Why it matters: 词汇的单一性限制了LR分数向7.0及以上突破。
Suggested Rewrites
- some employers ask for personal information certain recruiters request personal details
- This essay will discuss both views and give my opinion. This essay will examine both perspectives before presenting my own viewpoint.
- understand applicants better gain deeper insights into applicants' profiles
- make a better decision make more informed hiring decisions
- not related to irrelevant to
- Someone who enjoys team sports may work well with others, while a person who likes reading may have good concentration. For instance, candidates who engage in team sports often demonstrate strong collaborative skills, whereas those who prefer solitary activities like reading may exhibit high levels of focus.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
任务回应
文章完整地回答了题目中的所有要求。清晰地讨论了“个人信息有用”和“个人信息无关/不公”这两个对立观点，并在后半部分及结论中明确阐述了个人立场，即支持适度收集与工作相关的个人信息，但反对收集可能导致歧视的信息（如婚姻状况）。
可以通过在论证中引入更具体的行业实例或法律背景（如反就业歧视法），使论证深度更进一步。
连贯与衔接
文章结构非常清晰，段落分明。使用了经典的双边讨论结构，过渡词（On the one hand, On the other hand, In addition, Moreover, In conclusion）使用自然且恰当，逻辑衔接紧密，读者易于跟进。
可以尝试减少一些过于模板化的连接词，使用更自然的指代或逻辑承接词来提升行文的流畅度。
词汇资源
词汇运用准确，拼写无误，能够清晰表达意思。但整体词汇较为基础，且存在较多重复（如多次使用 personal information, employers, applicants）。
需要积累和使用更多高阶同义替换词汇，例如用 'private details' 或 'background information' 代替 'personal information'，用 'recruiters' 或 'hiring managers' 代替 'employers'。
语法多样性与准确性
语法准确性极高，几乎没有明显的语法错误。能够熟练运用多种句式，包括定语从句、让步状语从句和条件状语从句，标点符号使用规范。
可以尝试使用一些更复杂的句式结构，如倒装句、非谓语动词短语作状语等，以展示更高的语言控制力。