International entertainers, including sports personalities, often get paid millions of dollars in one year. In your view, with widespread poverty in the world, are these huge earnings justified?
Sample Response
Universal entertainers, containing sports individuals, frequently acquire millions of dollars in a single year. From my point of view, these devastating incomes are absolutely unfair while the world is dealing with a great scale of poverty. The solution for this type of matter undoubtedly must be established as soon as possible. When wealthy part of people started to incline attractive and dashing entertainment the entertaining agencies' jobs initialized to grow and improve. Improvements enhanced the scale of amusement sphere. Consequently, the supervisors and main individuals of this entity handled the currency circulation soon and easily. Today the rich spend a large amount of money on sport and entertaining facilities. for instances, in only 2 or 3 weeks long European Olympic Games millions of dollars are allocated by Azerbaijan's government this year. Although these games have many profits for a country, in my opinion, the disadvantages of this issue are more than offset by advantages. Maybe some people think that these enormous salaries for sports people and entertainers are the value of their effort and work. Nonetheless, I am on the side of people who are contrary to this kind of insight. And this contradiction is not arbitrary because people who suffer from famine, unfortunately, are the predominant part of our humanity. I believe it is not right to impose such amount of money and support to joys contributing it towards the relief for people who are in need of it. Nevertheless, I believe that people who are in aware of their environment's issues will do the right thing. In these days, some companies and entities which are built to solve these problems have undertaken to provide money and support for famine relief.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the correct scope Original: Universal Suggested revision: International Why it matters: “International” describes entertainers known across countries, while “universal” is inappropriate here.
- 2. Use natural inclusion wording Original: containing sports individuals Suggested revision: including sports personalities Why it matters: The revision uses the standard phrase for naming sports figures as part of the group.
- 3. Use the earnings collocation Original: acquire Suggested revision: earn Why it matters: People “earn” income rather than “acquire” it.
- 4. Choose an accurate adjective Original: these devastating incomes Suggested revision: these enormous earnings Why it matters: “Devastating” describes harmful effects, while “enormous” describes the size of earnings.
- 5. Correct the contrast phrase Original: while the world is dealing with a great scale of poverty Suggested revision: while widespread poverty persists worldwide Why it matters: The revision expresses the simultaneous global poverty naturally and concisely.
- 6. Use neutral wording Original: Today the rich Suggested revision: Today wealthy people Why it matters: “Wealthy people” is a more neutral and precise noun phrase.
- 7. Use parallel nouns Original: sport and entertaining facilities Suggested revision: sports and entertainment Why it matters: The coordinated categories require parallel noun forms.
- 8. Correct the example phrase Original: for instances Suggested revision: For instance Why it matters: The fixed phrase is singular and requires a capital letter at the sentence boundary.
- 9. Use the correct benefit term Original: profits Suggested revision: benefits Why it matters: “Benefits” describes advantages, while “profits” specifically denotes financial gains.
- 10. Correct the comparison direction Original: the disadvantages of this issue are more than offset by advantages Suggested revision: the advantages are more than offset by the disadvantages Why it matters: The revision aligns the comparison with the writer’s claim that the drawbacks are greater.
- 11. Use the reward collocation Original: the value of their effort and work Suggested revision: a reward for their effort and work Why it matters: Salaries are described as a “reward for” work rather than its “value.”
- 12. State opposition naturally Original: contrary to this kind of insight Suggested revision: opposed to this view Why it matters: This concise phrase expresses disagreement naturally and precisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- Universal International
- containing sports individuals including sports personalities
- acquire earn
- these devastating incomes these enormous earnings
- while the world is dealing with a great scale of poverty while widespread poverty persists worldwide
- Today the rich Today wealthy people
Why this response received Band 4.5
The response gives a clear view that very high entertainment earnings are unjustified and attempts to connect this position to poverty and famine relief. Its main limitation is that the supporting argument is often unclear, with loosely connected claims, no paragraphing, and frequent inaccurate vocabulary and grammar that make several sentences difficult to follow. Build two focused reasons in separate paragraphs and express each one with simpler, accurate language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained, but the reasons are only partly developed and several claims do not directly explain why the earnings are unjustified.
Develop two relevant reasons, such as social priorities and the source of entertainers' income, with clear explanation and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Basic linking words mark shifts in the argument, but the single paragraph and unclear references create weak and sometimes confusing progression.
Use an introduction, separate body paragraphs for distinct reasons, and a conclusion that follows directly from them.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts varied vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate word choices and collocations often obscure the intended meaning.
Prefer familiar, precise expressions for salaries, entertainment demand, public spending, and poverty relief.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Some complex structures are attempted, but frequent errors in clauses, articles, agreement, punctuation, and sentence formation cause strain.
Write shorter complete sentences and check each one for a clear subject, correctly formed verb, and necessary articles.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
International entertainers, including sports personalities, often get paid millions of dollars in one year. In your view, with widespread poverty in the world, are these huge earnings justified?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.