Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors in all around the world. Some think that the people who work in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree. Others, however, believe that their positive impact on others is worth the money that they are paid.
On the one hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well paid sector. In addition to that, members of it do not add real value, compared to others like, for instance, education workers. Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people. Whereas a singer can earn double their yearly salary from one concert. The other important point is, for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless than their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies.
On the other hand, some people think that entertainers’ contribution to the modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities; therefore, they think that their positive impact is crucial for a significant proportion of people. In addition to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom with being known by many others. In exchange of that, they do deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.
In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with others.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove extra preposition Original: in all around the world Suggested revision: around the world Why it matters: The phrase needs only one preposition before 'the world'.
- 2. Use precise causal wording Original: considering their bad influence Suggested revision: given their negative influence Why it matters: 'Given' expresses the stated reason more naturally, and 'negative influence' is more formal.
- 3. Clarify the reference Original: members of it Suggested revision: its members Why it matters: The possessive form links the members to show business more directly.
- 4. Use a concise example Original: others like, for instance, education workers Suggested revision: other workers, such as educators Why it matters: This wording removes redundant example markers and uses a natural occupational term.
- 5. Correct the preposition Original: than Suggested revision: of Why it matters: 'Regardless' takes the preposition 'of'.
- 6. Use natural degree wording Original: that Suggested revision: so Why it matters: 'So easily' naturally expresses the excessive ease being criticised.
- 7. Remove unnecessary article Original: contribution to the modern life Suggested revision: contribution to modern life Why it matters: 'Modern life' is used generically here and does not take 'the'.
- 8. Correct the word combination Original: irreplaceable with other activities Suggested revision: impossible to replace with other activities Why it matters: 'Irreplaceable with' is not a natural English collocation for this comparison.
- 9. Use an accurate adjective Original: crucial Suggested revision: significant Why it matters: An impact can be significant, while 'crucial' more naturally describes something indispensable.
- 10. Correct the construction Original: compromise their privacy and freedom with being known Suggested revision: sacrifice their privacy and freedom by becoming well known Why it matters: The revised construction clearly links fame to the loss of privacy and freedom.
- 11. Correct the fixed phrase Original: of Suggested revision: for Why it matters: The fixed expression is 'in exchange for'.
- 12. Use formal income wording Original: better paychecks Suggested revision: higher incomes Why it matters: 'Higher incomes' is more precise and appropriately formal in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- in all around the world around the world
- considering their bad influence given their negative influence
- members of it its members
- others like, for instance, education workers other workers, such as educators
- than of
- that so
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear opinion and gives both perspectives a distinct paragraph, so the central argument is easy to follow. Its main limitation is that several ideas are asserted or expressed imprecisely, while frequent grammatical and collocational problems weaken clarity. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each claim with a specific explanation or example and then edit sentences for complete structures and natural phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and a clear personal position are presented, but several supporting claims remain general or only partly developed.
Support each main claim with a concrete example or a fuller explanation of its social effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure is logical and progression is generally clear, though linking is sometimes mechanical and a sentence fragment interrupts the flow.
Use referencing and logical transitions more naturally, and connect dependent clauses to complete sentences.
Lexical Resource
The response shows enough range to discuss pay, social value, and celebrity privacy, but awkward collocations and word choices recur.
Replace unnatural combinations such as references to unreasonable wages or compromise with being known with precise, idiomatic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex forms is attempted, but frequent errors in clause structure, prepositions, punctuation, and agreement reduce control.
Prioritize complete sentence construction and systematically check prepositions, articles, and clause boundaries during editing.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.