Some people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.
Sample Response
While parents obviously play a major role in the way that their child develops as they get older, many people believe that social factors outside of the family now influence children much more. This essay will examine both sides of the argument.
There is no doubt that there are factors external to the family that significantly impact on a child’s development. For example, there is television and the internet. Children these days have access to these much more than they used to in the past, and they will pick up language and see things that will teach them about life. Friends also have an important influence as a child will often copy peers that they admire and respect. This could be positive behaviour but it could also be negative, such as smoking or taking drugs.
Ultimately, however, it is family who have the most important impact. Children spend nearly all of their time with their family, especially in their early years. They develop their confidence, socialisation skills, morals, values and views on life through their interaction with them. Proof of the importance of this can be seen in the differences between some children. Those that grow up in a dysfunctional home often eventually have problems themselves, whilst those that are brought up in a warm and close environment end up more confident and secure in adult life.
To conclude, it is the family that can provide a supportive, secure, and nurturing environment, which is crucial to the way in which a child becomes an adult. Although it is clear that social factors play a part, I would argue that it is the former that is the most important.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Align number and pronoun Original: their child develops as they get older Suggested revision: their children develop as they get older Why it matters: The plural pronoun they needs a plural antecedent and matching verb.
- 2. Use concise preposition Original: outside of the family Suggested revision: outside the family Why it matters: Outside expresses the relationship directly and more concisely in formal writing.
- 3. Clarify comparison Original: access to these much more than they used to in the past Suggested revision: far greater access to both than in the past Why it matters: The revision gives these a clear two-item reference and removes the repetitive comparison.
- 4. Use precise verb Original: pick up language Suggested revision: acquire language Why it matters: Acquire is a more precise formal verb for learning language.
- 5. Fix agreement structure Original: it is family who have Suggested revision: it is the family that has Why it matters: Family is singular here and the cleft construction is clearer with that.
- 6. Clarify pronoun reference Original: their interaction with them Suggested revision: their interactions with family members Why it matters: Naming family members removes the ambiguous reference of them.
- 7. Remove redundant adverb Original: often eventually Suggested revision: often Why it matters: Often and eventually compete to express different timing, so one clear adverb is more precise.
- 8. Name the referent Original: former Suggested revision: family Why it matters: Stating the family directly makes the concluding comparison easier to follow.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: For example, there is television and the internet. Suggested revision: For example, television and the internet both influence children. Why it matters: The rewrite replaces the vague existential construction with a direct statement.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Friends also have an important influence as a child will often copy peers that they admire and respect. Suggested revision: Friends also have an important influence, as children often copy peers whom they admire and respect. Why it matters: The rewrite resolves the singular-plural mismatch and uses the correct object relative pronoun.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Proof of the importance of this can be seen in the differences between some children. Suggested revision: The importance of family is evident in the differing outcomes among children. Why it matters: The rewrite replaces vague references with a concise and specific statement.
Suggested Rewrites
- their child develops as they get older their children develop as they get older
- outside of the family outside the family
- access to these much more than they used to in the past far greater access to both than in the past
- pick up language acquire language
- it is family who have it is the family that has
- their interaction with them their interactions with family members
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response fully addresses both views and maintains a clear preference for family influence, with relevant explanations and examples throughout. Its organisation and language are consistently controlled, though some points could be more nuanced and a few references to family and children could be phrased more precisely; the highest-priority improvement is to deepen the comparison between external influences and family rather than treating them mainly in separate blocks.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both opinions are fully discussed, and the preference for family influence is clear, relevant, and well supported.
Develop a more explicit comparison of why family influence outweighs external factors rather than presenting each side largely separately.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced, well paragraphed, and cohesive without relying excessively on overt linking.
Create an even tighter argument by referring back to the external influences when establishing the greater importance of family.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, natural, and precise across the topic, with only minor opportunities for greater nuance.
Use more discriminating language to distinguish short-term peer or media influence from long-term family influence.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of sentence structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only occasional minor phrasing issues.
Refine agreement and pronoun reference in collective-family phrases to make already clear sentences fully precise.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.