In many parts of the world, famous people are regarded as role models and they have an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Famous people have increasingly become role models for the youth in many countries. However, I argue that this trend poses more drawbacks than benefits.
It is somewhat true that celebrities have the potential to motivate their fans and audiences in certain regards. In truth, famous actors, musicians, and athletes can, on some occasions, inspire people through demonstrations of perseverance, talent, or philanthropy. This can arouse admiration in young people and motivate them to pursue excellence and success. Nevertheless, overemphasis on famous figures threatens to obscure occupations that make infinitely more meaningful contributions to society, such as teaching, healthcare, engineering, and community service work. People in these esteemed professions significantly improve society with their tremendous efforts, yet receive inadequate recognition relative to their importance.
More problematically, the lifestyles portrayed by some celebrities are objectionable in several ways. First, the glamor enjoyed and flaunted by celebrities can lead impressionable youths to formulate unrealistic expectations about different aspects of life. This can negatively impact their self-image and well-being, especially in adolescent girls who face unattainable beauty standards as a result of following, and being influenced by, female pop stars or actresses. Another issue worth noting is that many famous people are prone to making controversial and harmful statements, many of which can be considered hate speech against particular groups of people. If their followers are not discerning enough, they might adopt such hateful attitudes, thus further endangering those in vulnerable positions.
In conclusion, while celebrities have the ability to inspire audiences in some instances, over-idolization of their influence risks undermining more substantive role models and cultivating unhealthy priorities in young people. Thus, I hold that placing famous people in the position of role models is an overall negative development.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: the youth Suggested revision: young people Why it matters: Young people is more natural and direct in this context.
- 2. Improve collocation Original: regards Suggested revision: respects Why it matters: In certain respects is the more idiomatic collocation.
- 3. Clarify the link Original: In truth Suggested revision: For example Why it matters: This sentence illustrates the preceding point, so an example marker makes the relationship clearer.
- 4. Make wording concise Original: can, on some occasions, inspire Suggested revision: can sometimes inspire Why it matters: Sometimes expresses the qualification more concisely.
- 5. Use direct structure Original: through demonstrations of perseverance Suggested revision: by demonstrating perseverance Why it matters: The verb form creates a more direct and natural expression of means.
- 6. Avoid overstatement Original: infinitely Suggested revision: far Why it matters: Far more preserves the comparison without the excessive absolute force of infinitely.
- 7. Refine the phrase Original: with their tremendous efforts Suggested revision: through their efforts Why it matters: The revision is more concise and uses a more natural expression of means.
- 8. Improve collocation Original: formulate Suggested revision: develop Why it matters: People more naturally develop expectations than formulate them in this context.
- 9. Correct the preposition Original: in Suggested revision: among Why it matters: Among correctly identifies the group within which this effect occurs.
- 10. Streamline the construction Original: as a result of following, and being influenced by, Suggested revision: from following and being influenced by Why it matters: The revision removes intrusive punctuation and links the cause more directly to the effect.
- 11. Use concise phrasing Original: placing famous people in the position of role models Suggested revision: treating famous people as role models Why it matters: Treating someone as a role model expresses the idea more naturally and concisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- the youth young people
- regards respects
- In truth For example
- can, on some occasions, inspire can sometimes inspire
- through demonstrations of perseverance by demonstrating perseverance
- infinitely far
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its clear, consistently maintained position and well-developed explanation of how celebrity influence can distort young people's priorities and attitudes. Its main limitation is occasional overstatement and slightly strained phrasing, particularly when contrasting celebrities with socially valuable professions; the highest-priority improvement is to qualify broad claims and use more exact collocations so the argument sounds consistently measured and precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay directly answers the question with a clear negative position, a relevant concession, and two well-developed drawbacks.
Qualify sweeping claims about celebrities and other professions so every supporting point remains measured and fully defensible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices guiding the contrast and development effectively.
Smooth the shift from celebrity inspiration to the undervaluing of other professions so that the first body paragraph feels even more unified.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced argument, though a few expressions are overstated or slightly strained.
Replace phrases such as over-idolization of their influence with more natural, exact collocations and moderate absolute wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with errors rare and meaning consistently clear.
Refine the few dense modifier and reference patterns so complex sentences remain completely natural as well as accurate.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many parts of the world, famous people are regarded as role models and they have an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.