In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
In the highly competitive era of today, marketers such as restaurants and supermarkets have realized the marketing opportunity offered by schools and so are giving money to schools. Even though the administrators of schools are using that money to raise funds for school activities, this is definitely disadvantageous for school children.
To begin with, adverts of fast foods and their availability within school premises would help to develop children’s taste for such foods. This can increase problems like obesity, which in turn is the root cause of many other health issues among children. As it is, children today have sedentary lifestyles, which makes it imperative that healthier food options should be made available to them. The welfare of students should be the top priority of schools and they should not fall in the bait of these companies for monetary benefits.
Secondly, such commercial intrusions within the academic environment can promote consumerism. For instance, if schools promote advertisements of any products like toys or computer games from supermarkets through educational materials, billboards or school television, children would think that they have the approval of teachers and school authorities. Consequently, these vulnerable children pester their parents to buy those products, which can upset the family budget. This is a very vivid example of how commercialization of schools can promote materialism in children. Supporters of such practices claim that the money such companies give for promoting their products inside the campus, helps financially-strapped schools to buy library books or improve sports facilities. They claim that children benefit from the additional resources and facilities that schools can afford due to such funding. What they fail to see is that commercial intrusions are already present in children’s lives these days and there is no scope for more.
To sum up, it is definitely a negative development to use schools to advertise their products as this may lead to unhealthy eating and a materialistic attitude in children Plan followed Intro: It is a negative development
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: In the highly competitive era of today Suggested revision: In today’s highly competitive world Why it matters: This phrasing is more natural and concise in formal English.
- 2. Clarify the opportunity Original: marketing opportunity offered by schools Suggested revision: promotional opportunities offered by schools Why it matters: The plural phrase more precisely describes access to school-based promotion.
- 3. Remove circular wording Original: using that money to raise funds Suggested revision: using that money to finance Why it matters: Money already received is used to finance activities rather than to raise the same funds.
- 4. Use direct wording Original: disadvantageous for school children Suggested revision: harmful to schoolchildren Why it matters: This replacement states the negative effect more directly and naturally.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: adverts of fast foods Suggested revision: advertisements for fast food Why it matters: Advertisements are for products, and fast food is normally uncountable here.
- 6. Improve the construction Original: would help to develop children’s taste for such foods Suggested revision: could encourage children to develop a taste for such food Why it matters: The revised construction expresses the possible influence more naturally.
- 7. Specify health problems Original: problems like obesity Suggested revision: health problems such as obesity Why it matters: This wording identifies the category and uses a more formal example marker.
- 8. Avoid overstatement Original: the root cause of many other health issues Suggested revision: a cause of many other health issues Why it matters: The indefinite article avoids presenting obesity as the single cause of all such issues.
- 9. Use a clearer link Original: As it is Suggested revision: At present Why it matters: This connector states the time relationship more clearly.
- 10. Streamline the structure Original: makes it imperative that healthier food options should be made available Suggested revision: makes providing healthier food options imperative Why it matters: The gerund structure avoids the cumbersome combination of imperative and should.
- 11. Correct the idiom Original: fall in the bait Suggested revision: take the bait Why it matters: The standard English idiom is take the bait.
- 12. Use precise wording Original: monetary benefits Suggested revision: financial gain Why it matters: This phrase more clearly describes the schools’ motivation.
Suggested Rewrites
- In the highly competitive era of today In today’s highly competitive world
- marketing opportunity offered by schools promotional opportunities offered by schools
- using that money to raise funds using that money to finance
- disadvantageous for school children harmful to schoolchildren
- adverts of fast foods advertisements for fast food
- would help to develop children’s taste for such foods could encourage children to develop a taste for such food
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear negative position and develops two relevant consequences, with the discussion of consumerism especially well supported by explanation and an example. Its main limitation is that the concession about school funding is dismissed briefly, while several awkward collocations and the stray planning text at the end reduce polish. Prioritise a more reasoned rebuttal and careful final editing for natural phrasing and a clean conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear negative position is sustained through two relevant, generally well-developed arguments, although the funding benefit receives only a cursory rebuttal.
Explain more precisely why the educational benefits of sponsorship do not outweigh the health and consumerism risks.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through distinct arguments, and cohesive devices generally guide the reader clearly despite a dense third paragraph and stray closing text.
Separate the concession and rebuttal more cleanly, then remove planning notes during final proofreading.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a good range of topic-specific vocabulary, but phrases such as 'fall in the bait' and 'promote advertisements' are not idiomatic.
Prioritise accurate collocations, for example 'fall for the companies’ tactics' and 'advertise products.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex sentences is used with generally strong control, though several punctuation and construction errors remain.
Check sentence boundaries, unnecessary commas, and article or preposition choices in longer sentences.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.