Some think that fathers should have time off from work after the birth of a child. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Many now suggest that both mothers and fathers deserve leave from work after the birth of a child. In my opinion, though time off work for fathers is not as justified as it is for mothers, this policy is forward-thinking and advisable.
Critics of such a policy claim that there is little physical justification for paternity leave. Few would argue that women should have time off in order to both establish an emotional connection with their child and to recover their physical strength for work. Men, however, do not suffer physical side-effects and therefore do not need time to recuperate before returning to work. They may require a period of time for emotional recovery but this claim is tenuous and difficult to support with clear evidence. Therefore, the norm in most countries is to prioritize workplace productivity and provide little or no contractually obligated paternity leave.
However, fathers need time with their children and spouse to form strong emotional bonds for the good of all family members. In past generations, taking care of children and the home was the domain of mothers and men were defined primarily as earners. The recent shift in society that sees more women entering the workforce also recognizes for the emotional needs of men and its importance for the entire family unit. Research has shown that the single most important element of healthy childhood development is a loving and supportive home environment. The consequence is that fathers are now expected to be more involved in the child-rearing process. By staying home for several weeks or months after birth, they can become more active, helpful participants.
In conclusion, despite the lack of physical justification, paternal leave is crucial for emotional reasons. When possible, governments and employers should advocate and extend this privilege to both parents equally.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Restore parallel structure Original: in order to both establish Suggested revision: both to establish Why it matters: Placing 'both' before the first infinitive makes it parallel with 'and to recover'.
- 2. Use precise collocation Original: obligated Suggested revision: guaranteed Why it matters: 'Guaranteed' more precisely describes leave secured by an employment contract.
- 3. Match plural reference Original: spouse Suggested revision: spouses Why it matters: The plural subject 'fathers' is more clearly matched by plural family-member nouns.
- 4. Separate joined clauses Original: mothers and men were defined Suggested revision: mothers, and men were defined Why it matters: A comma is needed before 'and' because it joins two independent clauses.
- 5. Remove extra preposition Original: recognizes for the emotional needs Suggested revision: recognizes the emotional needs Why it matters: The verb 'recognizes' takes a direct object and does not require 'for'.
- 6. Clarify the reference Original: its importance Suggested revision: the importance of those needs Why it matters: The singular pronoun has no clear singular antecedent in the sentence.
- 7. Use a direct link Original: The consequence is that Suggested revision: Consequently, Why it matters: A direct linking adverb expresses the result more concisely.
- 8. Specify the event Original: after birth Suggested revision: after the birth Why it matters: The definite article makes the reference to the child's birth explicit.
- 9. Use consistent terminology Original: paternal Suggested revision: paternity Why it matters: This term matches the established expression used earlier in the essay.
- 10. Complete the verb pattern Original: advocate and extend Suggested revision: advocate for and extend Why it matters: Adding 'for' makes the first verb's relationship to the privilege explicit.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: They may require a period of time for emotional recovery but this claim is tenuous and difficult to support with clear evidence. Suggested revision: They may need time to adjust emotionally, although this need is difficult to support with clear evidence. Why it matters: The revision removes wordiness and clarifies what the later reference points to.
Suggested Rewrites
- in order to both establish both to establish
- obligated guaranteed
- spouse spouses
- mothers and men were defined mothers, and men were defined
- recognizes for the emotional needs recognizes the emotional needs
- its importance the importance of those needs
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a nuanced, consistent position and develops both the counterargument and the case for paternity leave with clear, relevant reasoning. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision, especially where claims about emotional recovery and social recognition are awkwardly expressed. The highest priority is to refine those few claims and collocations so that the sophisticated argument is also consistently natural and exact.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The qualified agreement is clear and sustained, while both the opposing view and the supporting case are developed in depth.
Make the evidence behind the emotional benefits more concrete so the strongest supporting claim becomes fully persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, balanced body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion with effective cohesion.
Clarify the transition from historical gender roles to current emotional needs to make that progression even tighter.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately formal, although a few collocations are awkward or overstated.
Replace unnatural combinations such as recognizes for with idiomatic wording and qualify broad research claims precisely.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with a high level of accuracy, despite rare local errors in prepositions and reference.
Proofread preposition choice and pronoun reference so isolated slips do not interrupt otherwise fluent control.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some think that fathers should have time off from work after the birth of a child. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.