People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The process of immigration, although an exciting journey, can give rise to a multitude of complications. The ambience of a foreign environment can be daunting and sometimes even unwelcoming. It is considered by many that an individual should completely transform themselves to the standards of their locale to make the exercise of settling in easier. I disagree with this perspective and will elaborate on my views in the following paragraphs.
To begin with, it is a well-known fact that the world is comprised of innumerable cultures that are unique in their own right. That being said, it is also vital to recognize the differences between these communities and accept these nuances. Therefore, when a foreigner is expected to shed the traditions of their birthplace and adopt the conventions of a completely new place, it poses a threat to their individuality. Thus, the expectation of an absolute change in the lifestyle of a person can be considered biased and even intolerant. Moreover, the practices of a particular culture might vary from another and sometimes the principles of one might contradict the other. For instance, several cultures around the globe follow vegetarianism as a cardinal rule whereas the daily diet of many societies is predominantly comprised of non-vegetarian food items. Thereby, in such circumstances, altering such intrinsic practices just for the sake of merging with a different community is unjustified.
However, in the process of amalgamating with new people, one must respect the pre-established norms of the region. The regard for the standards of a different locality is not dependent on the nature of a person and such actions can be undertaken without reshaping one’s identity. To illustrate, a person who has been exposed to diverse cultures early on in their lives while staying in a foreign country can introduce them to different rituals without shaping their identity.
To conclude, I would like to mention that the world has become a smaller place and our societies have become more diverse lately. On that account, practising tolerance and acceptance is key to a harmonious way of life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid lexical redundancy Original: ambience of a foreign environment Suggested revision: atmosphere of a foreign country Why it matters: Foreign environment is vague and repetitive, while foreign country names the setting clearly.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: transform themselves to the standards Suggested revision: conform to the standards Why it matters: People conform to standards rather than transform themselves to them.
- 3. Use a natural noun Original: exercise Suggested revision: process Why it matters: Process is the natural term for the experience of settling in.
- 4. Use the direct construction Original: world is comprised of Suggested revision: world comprises Why it matters: The active construction with comprises is more direct and concise.
- 5. Clarify the reference Original: accept these nuances Suggested revision: respect these distinctions Why it matters: Distinctions refers more clearly to the differences between cultures described immediately before.
- 6. Reduce nominalisation Original: the expectation of an absolute change in the lifestyle of a person Suggested revision: expecting a person to change their lifestyle completely Why it matters: The verbal structure expresses the same point more clearly and concisely.
- 7. Make the phrase concise Original: is predominantly comprised of non-vegetarian food items Suggested revision: predominantly consists of non-vegetarian food Why it matters: The revision removes the cumbersome passive construction and the unnecessary word items.
- 8. Use a natural expression Original: amalgamating with new people Suggested revision: integrating into a new community Why it matters: Integrating into a community is the natural expression for social adaptation.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: Moreover, the practices of a particular culture might vary from another and sometimes the principles of one might contradict the other. Suggested revision: Moreover, the practices of one culture may differ from those of another, and their principles may sometimes conflict. Why it matters: The rewrite makes the comparison grammatically parallel and removes ambiguous pronoun references.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: The regard for the standards of a different locality is not dependent on the nature of a person and such actions can be undertaken without reshaping one’s identity. Suggested revision: Respect for local standards does not depend on a person's character and can be shown without reshaping one's identity. Why it matters: The rewrite clarifies the obscure phrasing while retaining the distinction between respect and identity change.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: To illustrate, a person who has been exposed to diverse cultures early on in their lives while staying in a foreign country can introduce them to different rituals without shaping their identity. Suggested revision: To illustrate, a person exposed to diverse cultures early in life can encounter different rituals while living abroad without changing their identity. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the unclear pronoun them and clarifies who experiences the rituals.
Suggested Rewrites
- ambience of a foreign environment atmosphere of a foreign country
- transform themselves to the standards conform to the standards
- exercise process
- world is comprised of world comprises
- accept these nuances respect these distinctions
- the expectation of an absolute change in the lifestyle of a person expecting a person to change their lifestyle completely
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s strongest feature is its sophisticated vocabulary and thoughtful distinction between preserving personal identity and respecting local norms. Its main limitation is that it partly reframes following customs as completely abandoning one’s original culture, while the second body paragraph and its example are not fully clear. The highest-priority improvement is to address the stated degree of agreement more directly and develop the qualified position with a concrete, logically connected example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear disagreement is presented and supported with relevant ideas, but parts of the argument address an exaggerated version of the proposition.
Define precisely which customs newcomers should follow and explain the extent of agreement consistently through the body and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear overall structure and generally logical progression, though the final body paragraph is comparatively underdeveloped.
Develop the concession paragraph in a clearer claim-explanation-example sequence and link it explicitly back to the thesis.
Lexical Resource
The response displays a wide vocabulary, but several elevated expressions are awkward or imprecise in context.
Prioritise natural collocations over ornate wording, especially in phrases such as the exercise of settling in and amalgamating with new people.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used with generally good control, despite occasional unclear reference and cumbersome construction.
Revise sentences with multiple pronouns or abstract clauses so each reference and logical relationship is immediately clear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.