In many schools and universities today, women have a tendency to study the humanities (such as the arts and languages) while men more often major in science related subjects. Some believe this tendency should be changed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Today more and more parents and policymakers are concerned with the disproportionate ratio of males studying science relative to females. In my opinion, though there are likely social factors at play here that need addressing, there is little value enforcing this change.
The main reason that many are striving to remedy this imbalance is because they feel it is societal, not natural. For centuries, women have subjugated their careers and education to male siblings and husbands. This has led to a history of mostly male role models in scientific pursuits, with women like Mary Shelly and Frida more likely to shine in the arts. Even today, there is a widespread bias that men are better at science that may discourage girls. There have been a number of famous studies cataloging the gender imbalance in science, with most researchers attributing this to social, rather than genetic, factors.
Nonetheless, heavy-handed efforts to force change are detrimental to both men and women. Women who are helped or strongly encouraged to pursue science rather than the arts will be less self-reliant and more likely to develop self-esteem problems. A corollary example would be the failure of affirmative action to promote racial equality. Individuals prosper when societal barriers to success are removed and they are given the opportunity to help themselves. If overly strong measures are taken, such as a quota of female majors in a given subject, that might place less qualified candidates above more deserving ones and then later manifest itself in reduced self-confidence from the unfairly elevated and resentment from those who were passed over.
In conclusion, though I am in favour of all reforms to provide for equal educational opportunity for the sexes, attempts to reform a tendency rather than allow for its change will bring about more harm than good. Rather, parents and educators should encourage students to pursue their passions.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add the preposition Original: little value enforcing Suggested revision: little value in enforcing Why it matters: The noun “value” requires “in” before this gerund phrase.
- 2. Avoid redundant structure Original: because Suggested revision: that Why it matters: After “the main reason,” the clause is introduced more directly with “that.”
- 3. State the cause precisely Original: it is societal, not natural Suggested revision: it has social rather than natural causes Why it matters: The revision expresses the proposed source of the imbalance more precisely.
- 4. Correct the collocation Original: subjugated their careers and education to Suggested revision: sacrificed their career and educational opportunities for Why it matters: “Subjugate” does not naturally describe giving up opportunities for family members.
- 5. Fix the relative clause Original: at science that may discourage girls Suggested revision: at science, which may discourage girls Why it matters: “Which” correctly introduces a clause referring to the preceding belief rather than science.
- 6. Clarify the reference Original: attributing this to social, rather than genetic, factors Suggested revision: attributing the imbalance to social rather than genetic factors Why it matters: Naming the imbalance removes the vague reference created by “this.”
- 7. Choose the right term Original: corollary Suggested revision: parallel Why it matters: “Corollary” denotes a consequence, whereas the sentence introduces an analogous case.
- 8. Clarify the contrast Original: reform a tendency rather than allow for its change Suggested revision: force a change in a tendency rather than allow it to change Why it matters: The revision expresses the contrast in a clearer and more natural form.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: Today more and more parents and policymakers are concerned with the disproportionate ratio of males studying science relative to females. Suggested revision: Today, an increasing number of parents and policymakers are concerned about the disproportionately high number of men studying science compared with women. Why it matters: The rewrite replaces an awkward comparison and uses the natural preposition after “concerned.”
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: If overly strong measures are taken, such as a quota of female majors in a given subject, that might place less qualified candidates above more deserving ones and then later manifest itself in reduced self-confidence from the unfairly elevated and resentment from those who were passed over. Suggested revision: If overly strong measures are taken, such as a quota for female majors in a given subject, less qualified candidates might be placed above more deserving ones. This could later reduce the self-confidence of those unfairly elevated and cause resentment among those passed over. Why it matters: Dividing the overloaded sentence clarifies which consequence follows from the proposed measure.
- 11. Strengthen internal progression Suggested revision: Organise the paragraph so the historical background leads directly into the present-day bias before the discussion of research evidence. Why it matters: The three supporting points are relevant but currently read as a sequence rather than a clearly connected progression.
Suggested Rewrites
- little value enforcing little value in enforcing
- because that
- it is societal, not natural it has social rather than natural causes
- subjugated their careers and education to sacrificed their career and educational opportunities for
- at science that may discourage girls at science, which may discourage girls
- attributing this to social, rather than genetic, factors attributing the imbalance to social rather than genetic factors
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and develops it through a logically sequenced discussion supported by relevant reasoning and a concrete policy example. Its main limitation is that a few assertions and references are imprecise, particularly the claim that encouragement itself would reduce women’s self-reliance. The highest-priority improvement is to qualify this causal argument and support it with more directly relevant evidence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay directly addresses the issue, maintains a clear qualified position, and develops both the social cause and the risks of forced intervention in substantial detail.
Strengthen the central causal claim about encouragement harming self-reliance by distinguishing supportive opportunity from coercive quotas and providing firmer evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from the source of the imbalance to the drawbacks of enforced change, with cohesive devices and paragraphing managed effectively.
Tighten the transition within the second body paragraph so the affirmative-action analogy connects more directly to the proposed educational measures.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a broad and sophisticated vocabulary with generally precise collocation and effective control of abstract policy language.
Replace occasional awkward or imprecise choices such as “subjugated their careers” and “disproportionate ratio” with more natural formulations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are varied and consistently well controlled, and errors are rare and do not impede communication.
Review long conditional sentences for cleaner coordination and reference, especially where several consequences are linked in one sentence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many schools and universities today, women have a tendency to study the humanities (such as the arts and languages) while men more often major in science related subjects. Some believe this tendency should be changed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.