In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to change the situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
A conundrum besetting young children nowadays is the declining level of their health, such as corpulence. Some people claim that authorities should be responsible for resolving this problem. Overall, I tend to agree with this view.
There are many fundamental reasons why the government will be better off taking such responsibility. To illustrate, as children will be the main body of future workforce, such health issues are largely likely to incur severe repercussions at the social level, such as a shortage of labour force or a heavier financial burden of healthcare on the authority. In this case, a smart state should take certain precautions to prevent the above consequences by stepping in and utilising its administrative power.
To cope with this issue, certain policies can be introduced to restrict the production of unhealthy food and to forbid relevant advertising targeting at children. In other words, exposed to mountains of junk food and related advertising, children, who are not mature enough to distinguish the detriments of over-consumption of those foods, usually fail to either resist the temptation or realise that certain features and functions of the products advertised have been greatly exaggerated. Then, it is imperative for the government to protect those vulnerable children by issuing the policies or even enacting the law. Besides, it is due to the surging study pressure that young students have developed a sedentary lifestyle. At this point, the government can also force schools to organise more outdoor activities on a regular basis for the purpose of strengthening students' physique.
However, that is not to say that such responsibility should be assumed by the government only. More accurately, parents or guardians should also make joint efforts, since government can only put a cap on children's diet and lifestyle to a limited extent. In contrast, parents usually accompany their children, and thus it is more convenient for them to supervise and restrain their offspring from consuming too many fatty and sugary foods or collapsing in front of the television all day. In this sense, parents should also be involved to help children alter unhealthy lifestyles.
In light of the above, the government should be responsible for bettering children's health, and meanwhile parents should also get involved.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise description Original: the declining level of their health, such as corpulence Suggested revision: their declining health, including obesity Why it matters: Health does not have a level exemplified by corpulence, while the revision states the relationship clearly.
- 2. Use natural expression Original: the main body of future workforce Suggested revision: the future workforce Why it matters: Main body is unnecessary and future workforce requires the definite article in this context.
- 3. Remove redundant modifier Original: largely likely Suggested revision: likely Why it matters: Largely and likely do not combine naturally to express probability.
- 4. Use standard collocation Original: a shortage of labour force Suggested revision: a labour shortage Why it matters: Labour shortage is the conventional expression for insufficient workers.
- 5. Clarify public burden Original: a heavier financial burden of healthcare on the authority Suggested revision: a heavier healthcare burden on the government Why it matters: The revision is more concise and names the responsible institution clearly.
- 6. Remove wrong preposition Original: advertising targeting at children Suggested revision: advertising targeting children Why it matters: Target is transitive here and does not take at.
- 7. Correct verb collocation Original: distinguish the detriments Suggested revision: understand the harms Why it matters: People understand harms rather than distinguish detriments in this context.
- 8. Use policy collocation Original: issuing the policies Suggested revision: introducing policies Why it matters: Governments introduce policies, and the general plural does not require the.
- 9. Use general plural Original: enacting the law Suggested revision: enacting laws Why it matters: The sentence refers to laws in general rather than one previously identified law.
- 10. Choose natural collocation Original: the surging study pressure Suggested revision: increasing academic pressure Why it matters: Increasing academic pressure is clearer and more idiomatic in formal writing.
- 11. Add definite article Original: since government can only Suggested revision: since the government can only Why it matters: Government refers to the institution already under discussion and needs the definite article.
- 12. Separate policy strands Suggested revision: Separate the food-policy discussion from the school-activity measure and signal the shift between them clearly. Why it matters: The paragraph moves from food regulation to sedentary behaviour without enough structural separation.
Suggested Rewrites
- the declining level of their health, such as corpulence their declining health, including obesity
- the main body of future workforce the future workforce
- largely likely likely
- a shortage of labour force a labour shortage
- a heavier financial burden of healthcare on the authority a heavier healthcare burden on the government
- advertising targeting at children advertising targeting children
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and develops it convincingly through social consequences, government measures, and the complementary role of parents. Its main limitation is occasional over-elaborate or unnatural phrasing, which sometimes makes otherwise strong ideas sound less precise. The best improvement would be to favour concise, idiomatic expressions while preserving the essay's strong logical development and varied sentence structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is fully addressed through a clear position, well-developed justification, practical government measures, and a relevant qualification about parental responsibility.
Refine the discussion by stating even more directly how each proposed intervention would reduce childhood obesity and poor health.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used effectively despite occasional density in long sentences.
Break up the most heavily layered explanations so that each cause, consequence, and policy response is immediately clear.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide-ranging and generally precise, though several formal expressions and collocations sound strained or unnatural.
Prefer idiomatic choices such as 'obesity,' 'understand the harm,' and 'watching television' over unnecessarily elaborate alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures with strong control, while a few article, preposition, and phrasing errors remain.
Proofread complex sentences for small errors such as 'advertising targeting children' and the missing article before 'government.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to change the situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.