In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Some feel that the current global obesity epidemic should be primarily handled by governments. In my opinion, though the state has a key role to play, this is mainly the duty of parents.
Those who argue in favor of this contention point to the power of governmental regulation. Governments hold this responsibility not just because their job is to safeguard public welfare but also because they are endowed with the authority to enact real reforms. In some countries, there are strict laws about the products that can be advertised during children’s programming and their maximum sugar and fat content. Countries that do not have strong regulatory bodies to create and enforce these laws naturally have considerably higher rates of obesity. In an ideal world, governments would be more responsible for public health in this crucial area.
However, since governments often fail to protect the public interest, parents should take responsibility themselves. Parents can best achieve this by leading by example. If children are not given sugary soft drinks, candy, and eat a diet constituted of mainly vegetables and fruits, they are likely to develop lifelong, positive eating habits. For instance, in nations such as France where food and nutrition are taken very seriously, the majority of children do not grow up addicted to unhealthy American fast food and obesity rates are lower. Admittedly, this can be difficult for parents from lower socioeconomic backgrounds who may struggle with finding the time, energy, and finances to provide nutritious meals for their children.
In conclusion, government can regulate certain industries but parents must themselves instill healthy habits in their children for there to be a meaningful impact. This issue may have reached a high point and must now be addressed.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise verb Original: handled Suggested revision: addressed Why it matters: “Addressed” is a more natural verb for responding to a public-health problem.
- 2. Clarify the reference Original: contention Suggested revision: view Why it matters: “This view” refers more directly to the position introduced in the essay.
- 3. Use precise adjective Original: real Suggested revision: meaningful Why it matters: “Meaningful” more clearly describes reforms that produce substantial change.
- 4. Use formal collocation Original: about Suggested revision: governing Why it matters: “Laws governing” is a more precise formal collocation for regulation.
- 5. Avoid unsupported certainty Original: naturally Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: Removing this adverb avoids presenting the stated relationship as inevitable.
- 6. Use measured wording Original: addicted to unhealthy American fast food Suggested revision: dependent on unhealthy fast food Why it matters: The replacement preserves the claim while using a more measured academic expression.
- 7. Use precise noun phrase Original: finances Suggested revision: financial resources Why it matters: “Financial resources” more precisely describes the money available to provide meals.
- 8. Keep number consistent Original: government Suggested revision: governments Why it matters: The plural form matches the essay's general reference to governments.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: If children are not given sugary soft drinks, candy, and eat a diet constituted of mainly vegetables and fruits, they are likely to develop lifelong, positive eating habits. Suggested revision: If children are not given sugary soft drinks or candy and instead eat a diet consisting mainly of vegetables and fruit, they are likely to develop positive lifelong eating habits. Why it matters: This rewrite fixes the faulty parallel structure and the incorrect phrase “constituted of.”
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: This issue may have reached a high point and must now be addressed. Suggested revision: Childhood obesity may have reached a critical level and must now be addressed. Why it matters: The revision names the issue explicitly and replaces the vague phrase “high point.”
Suggested Rewrites
- handled addressed
- contention view
- real meaningful
- about governing
- naturally Delete
- addicted to unhealthy American fast food dependent on unhealthy fast food
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and supports both governmental and parental responsibility with well-developed, logically sequenced arguments. Its main limitation is a small number of imprecise or overgeneralized claims, alongside an occasional grammatical lapse in an otherwise controlled style. The best improvement would be to qualify factual comparisons more carefully and polish parallel structures so the argument is as precise as the language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The prompt is fully addressed through a clear position and well-developed discussion of the complementary roles of government and parents.
Qualify broad claims about national obesity rates so that supporting examples remain persuasive without sounding absolute.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress clearly across well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader without becoming conspicuous.
Tighten the final sentence so the conclusion ends on the established position rather than a general comment.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately academic, with only occasional awkward phrasing.
Refine isolated collocations such as 'a diet constituted of mainly vegetables and fruits' for greater naturalness.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, with only rare non-impeding errors.
Maintain parallel structure in conditional sentences, especially when coordinating passive and active verb phrases.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.