Write about the following topic In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
In several nations, a growing number of children are grappling with the issue of obesity and deteriorating health, with some contending that governments bear the responsibility for addressing this concern. I totally agree with this viewpoint because governments can effectively combat childhood obesity through comprehensive policies and initiatives.
Firstly, governments possess the requisite resources to execute large-scale interventions that can effectively confront this challenge. Through the allocation of funds towards public health campaigns and educational initiatives, they can heighten awareness about the significance of adopting healthy lifestyles and disseminating essential knowledge regarding nutrition and physical activity. An illustration of this can be seen in the case of the "Let's Move" campaign that unfolded in the United States in 2010, which aimed to combat childhood obesity through a synergy of school-based programs, community-driven efforts, and alterations in policy frameworks. This governmental endeavor underscored the constructive influence of strategic interventions on the well-being of children.
Furthermore, governments wield the power to regulate industries contributing to the proliferation of unhealthy dietary options. The imposition of taxes on sugary beverages, the introduction of restrictions on the marketing of junk food to children, and the enforcement of more stringent labeling mandates exemplify measures that can foster an environment promoting healthier dietary choices. Evidently, several countries have achieved noteworthy success in reducing the consumption of sugary drinks by enacting levies on such beverages. These policies have translated into enhancements in health indicators among children.
In conclusion, I firmly support the view that governments hold a crucial responsibility in addressing childhood obesity. Their capacity to allocate resources, implement interventions, and regulate industries can profoundly impact this challenge, ensuring a healthier future for children.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: grappling with the issue of obesity and deteriorating health Suggested revision: experiencing obesity and worsening health Why it matters: This phrasing expresses the same idea more directly and naturally.
- 2. Simplify the phrase Original: bear the responsibility Suggested revision: are responsible Why it matters: The simpler collocation is more direct without changing the claim.
- 3. Use formal emphasis Original: totally Suggested revision: fully Why it matters: Fully is a more conventionally academic intensifier here.
- 4. Prefer natural wording Original: requisite Suggested revision: necessary Why it matters: Necessary is clearer and less artificially formal in this context.
- 5. Improve the collocation Original: execute Suggested revision: implement Why it matters: Implement is the standard verb used with interventions and policies.
- 6. Correct the preposition Original: towards Suggested revision: to Why it matters: The noun allocation normally takes to when naming the recipient or purpose.
- 7. Use standard collocation Original: heighten Suggested revision: raise Why it matters: Raise awareness is the more natural fixed collocation.
- 8. Remove wordiness Original: An illustration of this can be seen in the case of Suggested revision: This is illustrated by Why it matters: The revision introduces the example more concisely.
- 9. Choose a precise verb Original: campaign that unfolded Suggested revision: campaign that was launched Why it matters: Launched describes the beginning of a campaign more precisely than unfolded.
- 10. Avoid inflated wording Original: synergy Suggested revision: combination Why it matters: Combination clearly describes the set of measures without unnecessary abstraction.
- 11. Use direct wording Original: alterations in policy frameworks Suggested revision: policy changes Why it matters: The shorter phrase conveys the same meaning more clearly.
- 12. Improve naturalness Original: enhancements in health indicators among children Suggested revision: improvements in children's health indicators Why it matters: This is a more natural and economical way to express the outcome.
Suggested Rewrites
- grappling with the issue of obesity and deteriorating health experiencing obesity and worsening health
- bear the responsibility are responsible
- totally fully
- requisite necessary
- execute implement
- towards to
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a firm position and develops two persuasive government-led approaches with relevant policy examples, while maintaining clear progression and highly controlled language. Its main limitation is that some support remains broad or asserted, particularly the claimed improvements in children's health indicators. The highest-priority improvement is to explain the causal impact of one key policy in more concrete detail rather than relying on generally positive outcomes.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is explicit throughout, and both main reasons are relevant, well developed, and supported with suitable policy examples.
Strengthen the argument by substantiating broad claims about improved child health with a more specific result or causal explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through clearly focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used accurately and unobtrusively overall.
Vary the paragraph transitions slightly so the progression feels even less signposted and more organic.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced discussion of public policy, regulation, and health with strong control.
Prefer more direct phrasing where expressions such as governmental endeavor or enhancements in health indicators become unnecessarily abstract.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, with consistently clear sentence control and virtually no evident errors.
Refine a few heavily embedded sentences for greater concision while preserving the strong grammatical range.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Write about the following topic In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.