Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion?
Sample Response
It is true that when people advance into their golden years, they require more help and attention. For that reason, a significant number of people hold the opinion that the government should provide financial assistance to the elderly. However, I tend to agree with those who argue that workers should be saving a portion of their income to have a nest egg in their retirement.
To begin with, a culture of saving rather than depending on the government may foster the overall economic development of a country. In other words, if people were to accumulate their own savings for their pension age, it would lessen the financial burden on the government. As a result, the government would be able to release more funds to more productive purposes, such as development of infrastructure, industries, hospitals, and so on, which may expedite the overall progression of a country.
In addition to economic factors, putting money aside has some personal benefits. Since savings-oriented people are not dependent on the state for their living expenses, this may instill a sense of self-respect and pride in them. On the other hand, those who are reliant on financial assistance very often face the negative societal stigma, as many people consider them to be inferior and unworthy members of society. Hence, to live a life with dignity and pride, taking responsibility for funding one’s own retirement is evidently a better option from individual perspective.
In contrast, the provision of monetary outlays for retirees has proven unfeasible in many countries. Since in many nations the number of senior citizens is on the rise, in the long run governments are likely to struggle to sustain the cost of providing for the elderly. The early signs of this have been seen in many countries that were forced to raise the retirement age, including my home country where men can now retire at the age of 67 instead of 65. Therefore, in the foreseeable future, these kinds of support may become completely unsustainable.
In conclusion, the provision of state monetary support may undoubtedly lessen the concern of retirees to some extent. However, considering the issue of sustainability of this provision, it is better to opt for individual savings from the very beginning of working life, for the benefit of both individual and national development.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: advance into their golden years Suggested revision: enter their golden years Why it matters: The replacement expresses ageing more naturally and concisely.
- 2. Reduce wordiness Original: a significant number of people hold the opinion Suggested revision: many people believe Why it matters: This concise wording communicates the same idea more directly.
- 3. Correct preposition Original: in Suggested revision: for Why it matters: A nest egg is saved for a future purpose, so for is the appropriate preposition.
- 4. Use standard expression Original: for their pension age Suggested revision: for retirement Why it matters: For retirement is the natural expression for the period being funded.
- 5. Correct verb collocation Original: release Suggested revision: allocate Why it matters: Funds are allocated to purposes rather than released to them.
- 6. Remove unnecessary article Original: face the negative societal stigma Suggested revision: face negative societal stigma Why it matters: Stigma is used uncountably here, so the definite article is unnecessary.
- 7. Add missing article Original: from individual perspective Suggested revision: from an individual perspective Why it matters: The singular countable noun perspective requires an article.
- 8. Choose precise wording Original: monetary outlays for retirees Suggested revision: financial support for retirees Why it matters: Financial support is the clearer term for government payments to retired people.
- 9. Clarify the actor Original: countries that were forced Suggested revision: countries whose governments were forced Why it matters: Governments, rather than countries themselves, make the policy change described.
- 10. Fix number agreement Original: these kinds of support Suggested revision: this kind of support Why it matters: Support is singular and uncountable in this context, so the determiner and kind should also be singular.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: lessen the concern of retirees Suggested revision: ease retirees’ concerns Why it matters: Ease concerns is the standard collocation for reducing worry.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: Since in many nations the number of senior citizens is on the rise, in the long run governments are likely to struggle to sustain the cost of providing for the elderly. Suggested revision: Since the number of senior citizens is rising in many nations, governments are likely to struggle in the long run to meet the cost of providing for the elderly. Why it matters: The rewrite improves adverb placement and uses the natural collocation meet the cost.
Suggested Rewrites
- advance into their golden years enter their golden years
- a significant number of people hold the opinion many people believe
- in for
- for their pension age for retirement
- release allocate
- face the negative societal stigma face negative societal stigma
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response’s strongest feature is its clear, consistently maintained position, supported by several relevant and logically extended arguments about national finances, personal dignity, and long-term sustainability. Its main limitation is occasional overstatement and some imprecise phrasing, particularly around welfare stigma and government spending. The highest-priority improvement is to qualify those claims and use more natural collocations so the sophisticated reasoning sounds consistently precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout and is supported by several relevant, well-developed arguments.
Qualify broad claims about welfare recipients and government expenditure to make the reasoning more measured and convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader effectively.
Use slightly less explicit signposting so relationships between ideas emerge even more naturally.
Lexical Resource
A wide vocabulary conveys nuanced economic and social arguments, though a few collocations are awkward or overly formal.
Replace phrases such as “release more funds to” and “from individual perspective” with more idiomatic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used accurately, with only occasional minor article or phrasing errors.
Polish article use and prepositional phrasing in complex sentences to achieve more consistent grammatical precision.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.